If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:
And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!
Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to xx, whose query is below:
Dear [agent]:
[mention something from their MSWL or a client I admire]
Brandy Kellner is happy to not exist. Unwilling to acknowledge the pain of losing her mother to cancer and her sister to marriage, she soothes her loneliness by writing empowering novels and reinventing both her on- and offline identities as Renee Jansen, author, influencer, carefree spirit. Her millions of fans and her few new friends don’t need to know her Boston high-rise is a lot lonelier than it looks on Instagram, none of her anecdotes ever happened, or the woman they think they know is writing her escape from a past she can’t talk about.
Then that past resurrects in the form of her almost-lover, another writer with his own mistakes to outrun and a request to interview everyone’s favorite author. Now, maintaining her image means Brandy has to lie to someone who already sees through her. That’s good practice for her upcoming book tour, but bad for her sense of what’s real and what’s fiction. If her ruse unravels, she’ll have to pick up the pieces of a shattered career and confront the personal issues she’s ignored for years. Things only get more complicated when her sister, seeking to heal their rift, connects Brandy with an obsessive fan who blurs the lines separating her worlds. As a new secret threatens both, Brandy must choose to maintain her deceit for the sake of her career or to heal her relationships while she has the chance.
Told in two points of view, WOMAN OF WORDS is upmarket women’s fiction complete at 82,000 words, reminiscent of WE CAME HERE TO FORGET with ELEANOR OLIPHANT. I’ve included the [sample material] below.
[My bio will go here]. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Best,
Jess
This query reads smoothly on the whole and I like some of the details that bring flavor to the world, such as a Boston high-rise that feels lonelier than it looks. The query structure is strong and I like the final choice that Brandy has to make between maintaining her very successful fictional world and her real world relationships.
Still, there’s something missing for me in this query. I just didn’t quite find myself engaging with Brandy because the plot doesn’t feel tangible. It feels a bit reductive to draw such a straight line between Brandy’s losses and a multi-million fan strong career as a novelist, and “the past” asserts itself in a vague way I couldn’t really wrap my head around.
What exactly is the fiction at the heart of Brandy’s ruse? That she’s lonely? That her name isn’t really Renee? That she’s made up some anecdotes? (Hardly seems like a capital offense by the standards of this era).
It makes it hard for me to understand the contours of the plot, what’s at stake, and what she really has to lose from being exposed. It seems like there’s a darker secret than what’s in the query, but it’s hard to guess at.
This is yet another illustration of why it’s so important to be specific about the key elements of the story. If we understood the dark secret at the heart of Brandy’s ruse, what she has to lose, and what specific danger is posed by “almost-lover” and “obsessive fan,” the plot will come through in a much clearer and tangible way.
Here’s my redline:
Dear [agent]:
[mention something from their MSWL or a client I admire] [Good]
Brandy Kellner is happy to not exist [Even after reading the rest of the query I’m still not really sure what this means.].Unwilling to acknowledge the pain[Don’t diagnose your characters – focus on the symptoms]ofAfter losing her mother to cancer and her sister to marriage, she soothes her loneliness bywriting empowering novels[I stumbled over “empowering novels” – empowering whom?]andreinventingbothherselfon- and offline identitiesas Renee Jansen, author, influencer, carefree spirit. Her millions of fans [It feels like she goes from zero to millions of fans really fast, even by the standards of the internet. Especially when there are novels involved, presumably this would take many years?] and herfewnew friends don’t need to know her Boston high-rise is a lot lonelier than it looks on Instagram, none of her anecdotes ever happened, or the woman they think they know is writing her escape from a past she can’t talk about [This bit about the past feels convoluted. Be more specific].
Then that past resurrects in the form of her almost-lover [Awkward and non-specific phrasing], another writer with his own mistakes to outrun [Be more specific] and a request to interview everyone’s favorite author [It took me a minute to realize this meant Brandy]. Now, maintaining her image means[This feels awkwardly phrase and already implied] Brandy has to lie to someone who already sees through her.That’s good practice for her upcoming book tour[I’m confused by this – how would she have gotten to the point of having millions of fans without being able to navigate this balance? Why would a book tour be the thing that prompts this?],but bad for her sense of what’s real and what’s fiction[Another diagnosis]. If her ruse unravels, she’ll have to pick up the pieces of a shattered career and confront the personal issues she’s ignored for years [Too vague/abstract. Make it more tangible and specific.]. Things only get more complicated when her sister, seeking to heal their rift, connects Brandy with an obsessive fan who blurs the lines separating her worlds [I don’t understand what this means. Be more specific]. As a new secret threatens both [Vague. Be more specific], Brandy must choose to maintain her deceit for the sake of her career or to heal her relationships while she has the chance. [I like this final choice]Told in two points of view[No need to mention this in the query, though I’m confused what the other POV is based on the plot], WOMAN OF WORDS isupmarketwomen’s fiction complete at 82,000 words, reminiscent of WE CAME HERE TO FORGET with ELEANOR OLIPHANT. I’ve included the [sample material] below.
[My bio will go here]. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Best,
Jess
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Art: Laura Pisani by Circle of Dosso Dossi
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