Clarify the contours of your world (Query critique)

Back by popular demand!

It has been requested that I return to publicly critiquing queries and pages in order to show what works and what doesn’t. Consider it done.

If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:

• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
• Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to SarahWrites, whose query is below:

I am seeking representation for What Stars Are Made Of, a 28k word middle grade contemporary that will appeal to fans of R.J. Palacio and Gary Schmidt. 

Libby (age twelve) has a rare genetic condition called Turner Syndrome. This means she was born with an oversized heart, has to take daily growth hormone shots, can never have kids, and can’t do the monkey bars very well. But it doesn’t mean she won’t get an A+ in biology or be a scientist when she grows up, like her latest unsung hero, astronomer Cecilia Payne.

Then Libby’s other hero–her big sister–comes to town with a gigantic surprise: she’s pregnant, and she’s staying with the family while her husband finishes basic training. Libby knows about all the things that can go wrong with a baby or a pregnancy (like miscarriages and genetic disorders and oversized hearts). So Libby makes a deal with the universe, and with Cecilia Payne Ph.D., who Libby knows is looking down and aware of what’s happening. She promises that she will do a favor for Cecilia, honoring her memory, if Cecilia will take care of things from the other side and make sure the new baby is born safe, healthy, and perfect. With an Apgar score of ten. (A+ in biology, see?) So maybe the favor turns out to be more difficult–much more difficult–than she thought. Libby won’t give up. She will do whatever it takes to keep this baby–and her sister–safe.

I have been published in The Evansville Review, Allegory, and on WritersDigest.com. I also received an MFA from Brigham Young University. Like Libby I was born with Turner Syndrome. (The daily shots actually weren’t too bad.)

Thank you for your time and consideration

The structure of this query is in good shape. I think we have a reasonably good sense of Libby’s personality (trying hard in the face of a genetic condition), and there’s a complicating moment when her sister comes home pregnant.

My main concern is that I don’t understand the relationship with Cecilia, and thus have a hard time understanding what Libby is literally doing:

• Do Libby and Cecilia interact in some way?
• What basis does Libby have to believe that her efforts will succeed, is there some sign that encourages her?
• And what does Libby do? What’s the favor for Cecilia, and why, specifically, does it become difficult?

With more specificity on the spine of the plot, I think this query will better come to life. It’s so important that we understand what the protagonist is actually doing for the bulk of the plot.

I also tend to believe that leading with the story is most effective and saving comps for the end (since it prioritizes what agents care most about), but opinions vary on that.

Here’s my redline:

Twelve year old Libby (age twelve) has a rare genetic condition called Turner Syndrome. This means She was born with an oversized heart, has to take daily growth hormone shots, can never have kids, and can’t do the monkey bars very well. But it doesn’t mean she won’t [“it doesn’t mean she won’t” feels passive, as if it’s just getting bestowed on her. Try to make it active] she’s determined to get an A+ in biology or so she can become a scientist when she grows up, like her latest unsung hero, astronomer Cecilia Payne.

Then Libby’s other hero–her big sister–comes to town with a gigantic surprise: she’s pregnant, and she’s staying with the family while her husband finishes basic training. Libby knows about all the things that can go wrong with a baby or a pregnancy (like miscarriages and genetic disorders and oversized hearts). So Libby makes a deal with the universe, and with Cecilia Payne Ph.D., who Libby knows is looking down and aware of what’s happening: She promises that she will do a favor for Cecilia, honoring her memory [be more specific: what’s the actual favor? What gives her hope that Cecilia is watching/listening?], if Cecilia will take care of things from the other side and make sure the new baby is born safe, healthy, and perfect. With an Apgar score of ten. (A+ in biology, see?) [This feels a tad redundant]

So maybe the favor turns out to be more difficult–much more difficult–than she thought. [How? Be specific about what happens that makes it difficult] Libby won’t give up. She will do whatever it takes to keep this baby–and her sister–safe. [What does she actually do?]

I am seeking representation for What Stars Are Made Of is a 28k word middle grade contemporary that will appeal to fans of R.J. Palacio and Gary Schmidt. 

I received an MFA from Brigham Young University and have been published in The Evansville Review, Allegory, and on WritersDigest.com. Like Libby I was born with Turner Syndrome. (The daily shots actually weren’t too bad.)

Thank you for your time and consideration

Thanks again to SarahWrites for sharing!

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Art: Flammarion engraving