Query Critique Tuesday: Focus on your protagonist’s journey

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to Tamara Baker, whose query is below:

Dear Ms. Bloom, 

My name is Tamara Baker, and I’ve written a historical novel, Doctor of Physick, that takes place in two eras spaced five centuries apart. The plot is as follows: 

In the Yorkshire of 1478, a group of witches and a former monk have been given a vision of the future under the coming Tudor usurpation: a future of witch-burnings, religious oppression, and general tyranny under a string of increasingly absolutist monarchs. There seems to be no way to avoid this bleak future… except for this: 

In the Yorkshire of 2013, Kate Larson, an American pediatrician, on a historically-themed holiday after winning a big lottery jackpot, suddenly finds herself flung back to 1478, and into the company of the very historical figure whose lot she would have most wished to improve: Richard, Duke of Gloucester, destined to become the well-intentioned yet ill-starred King Richard III of England. 

There are many obstacles in the way, and few people who she can trust. Still, she is a Doctor of Physick, and possesses a good number of other skills in the bargain… 

Doctor of Physick is the first novel in what I hope will be an ongoing series featuring Kate Larson. It is my first fully-fledged historical novel, though it is equally at home in the speculative fiction genre and perhaps the young adult field as well.  

My previous professional writing experience was as a staff writer for the audio magazine The Absolute Sound. This is my first novel. 

I thank you for your kind consideration. 

Sincerely yours,
Tamara Baker

I definitely like the premise of this novel and the idea of flinging a lottery-winning pediatrician into England in 1748. How’s that for some culture shock?

But I’m afraid I found this query a little disorienting. First we have a plot line, but no characters, in 1478, then we’re in 2013 and then Kate is going back to 1478.

Can we just focus the query on Kate in 1478?

Whenever possible, try to anchor your query to your protagonist and show the events from their view. That should be your main plot arc, and that character’s journey is what your prospective agent (and eventually your reader) will be most interested in.

I’m also not totally clear what happens to Kate when she is thrown back in time, and there are quite a few moments where specificity would help (what are the “obstacles in teh way?” What are the “good number of other skills” she gets in what “bargain?” Does she want to get back to the present? Is she chill with 1478?

Try to center on Kate, and be specific about the choices she faces and the stakes if she succeeds/fails.

Here’s my redline:

Dear Ms. Bloom, 

[Insert personalized tidbit about agent] 

My name is Tamara Baker, and I’ve written a historical novel, Doctor of Physick, that takes place in two eras spaced five centuries apart. The plot is as follows: 

In the Yorkshire of 1478, a group of witches and a former monk have been given a vision of the future under the coming Tudor usurpation: a future of witch-burnings, religious oppression, and general tyranny under a string of increasingly absolutist monarchs. There seems to be no way to avoid this bleak future… except for this: 

In the Yorkshire of 2013, Kate Larson is an American pediatrician, on a historically-themed holiday in Yorkshire after winning a big lottery jackpot, when she suddenly finds herself flung back to 1478 [How? Be specific]. It’s a time of upheaval, and a group of witches and a former monk have been given a vision of the future under the coming Tudor usurpation: a future of witch-burnings, religious oppression, and tyranny under a string of increasingly absolutist monarchs.

There seems to be no way to avoid this bleak future… except for this: Kate is thrown into the company of the very historical figure whose lot she would have most wished to improve [I don’t understand this. Why does she care about Richard III?]: Richard, Duke of Gloucester, destined to become the well-intentioned yet ill-starred King Richard III of England. 

There are many obstacles in the way [Be specific – what are the obstacles?], and few people who she can trust [Be specific – who are these people and what is the danger?]. Still, she is a Doctor of Physick, and possesses a good number of other skills in the bargain…  [I’m not sure what this means – it also seems like a good opportunity to give a sense of Kate’s personality. How does she react to all of this?]

Doctor of Physick is the first novel in what I hope will be an ongoing historical fantasy series featuring Kate Larson. It is my first fully-fledged historical novel, though it is equally at home in the speculative fiction genre and perhaps the young adult field as well. [You gotta pick a genre. I’m guessing historical fantasy]

My previous professional writing experience was as a staff writer for the audio magazine The Absolute Sound. [Not sure this feels relevant to your novel] This is my first novel. 

I thank you for your kind consideration. 

Sincerely yours,
Tamara Baker

Thanks again to Tamara!


I’m available for manuscript edits, query critiques, and consultations! And if you like this post, check out my guide to writing a novel.


Art: Portrait of King Richard III by Anonymous