Page Critique Wednesday and the importance of changing up the action

It’s been a criminally long time since I’ve done a page critique and I hope to be doing these on a much more regular basis!

If you would like to nominate your page for a future Page Critique Event, please enter it in this thread in the Forums.

First I’ll present the page without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer up your own thoughts, please be exceedingly polite and remember the sandwich rule: Positive, constructive advice, positive.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to kscollier_mehl, whose page is below:

“The Veil” 

After having just placed Adam’s breakfast on the patio table, Kanakanue stood there staring out over the Pacific. For a brief moment he thought he heard shouting. He brushed it off as a usual sound in the mornings of a seagull’s shrill cry coming from the beach. 

“Will there be anything else for you, Adam?” he asked with a strong Hawaiian accent.  

“No Kanakanui that’s all. Thank you,” Adam said, never lifting his eyes from his laptop. 

Buried deep in his work, he rarely paid attention to his surroundings–even in beautiful Maui. 

“Sir,” Kanakanui said, “I think there is someone struggling in the water.” Holding one hand over his eyes like a shield he squinted, pointed toward the beach, and thought for sure he saw a person thrashing between the waves. The whitecaps rolled ashore with a roar. 

Adam glanced up briefly from his work, and scanned the waves. He stood to get a better view. Then a chilling sound echoed across the water to the spot they both stood.  

“Help, someone help, please!” The agonized cry of desperation sounded louder this time. 

Adam and Kanakanue looked at one another then darted down the trail to the ocean’s edge. Adam glanced downward at the red water swirling around his ankles. They rushed past several waves to help the man who had been wrestling to swim to shore. As soon as they reached the swimmer, Adam spotted the shark’s dorsal fin as it headed out to sea.

This is definitely a competently written first page. It sets the scene, it’s not difficult to place the action, and it doesn’t try too hard to grab the reader by the throat, which is very appreciated. There are some turns of phrase that could perhaps be smoother, but overall I think it reads fine.

My main concern is with the action, which I almost missed.

What’s interesting about writing action is that there are many different ways to convey it stylistically. You can do clipped phrases (e.g. “He saw blood. Red everywhere. He ran. The killer was close.) or you could do stream of consciousness (e.g. “He saw blood and there was red everywhere and he ran, heart pounding, sensing the killer was close.”), or you can do a mix.

What’s most important with action is that you somehow change the pace.

If you’re writing a book with spare phrasing, you might consider switching to stream of consciousness with the action (Hemingway does this). If you are more lyrical, you can consider switching to clipped phrasing. With action, something is off. Things have escalated. The best way to convey this is by subtly changing the style.

In this case, the paragraph about the action is told with the same style and tone as Adam staring at his laptop, and I read into it the same level of intensity. I didn’t get the sense something really important was happening.

Change up the style and you’ll get your reader’s heart racing.

Here’s my redline:

“The Veil” 

After having just Kanakanue placed Adam’s breakfast on the patio table, Kanakanue and stood there staring stared out over the Pacific. For a brief moment he thought he heard shouting. H, but he brushed it off as a usual morning sound in the mornings of. A seagull’s shrill cry coming from the beach. 

“Will there be anything else for you, Adam?” he asked with a strong Hawaiian accent.  

“No Kanakanui that’s all. Thank you,.” Adam said, never lifted his eyes from his laptop. 

Buried deep in his work, he rarely paid attention to his surroundings–even in beautiful Maui. 

“Sir,” Kanakanui said, “I think there is someone struggling in the water.” Holding one hand over his eyes like a shield he squinted, pointed toward the beach, and thought for sure he saw a person thrashing between the waves. The whitecaps rolled ashore with a roar. 

Adam glanced up briefly from his work, and scanned the waves. He stood to get a better view. Then a chilling sound echoed across the water to the spot they both stood.  

“Help, someone help, please!” The agonized cry of desperation sounded louder this time. 

Adam and Kanakanue looked at one another then darted down the trail to the ocean’s edge. [This is a big gap from the trail to staring down at red water — needs more description] Adam glanced downward at the red water swirling around his ankles. They rushed past several waves [Can you really “rush past” waves?] to help the man who had been wrestling to swim to shore. As soon as they reached the swimmer him, Adam spotted the shark’s dorsal fin as it headed out to sea.

Thanks again, kscollier_mehl!

Art: Porträt des Erasmus von Rotterdam by Hans Holbein the Younger