The divorce particulars won’t break new ground in the genre, and I don’t pretend my experience is any more or less painful than what others have gone through.
But in the era of Facebook, Twitter, Google, e-mail, and blogs, this literally isn’t your parents’ divorce anymore. Thanks to the Internet there are things we never before had to worry about confronting, and no roadmap on how to get through. The essentials of divorce may be the same, but the digital landscape new divorcees confront is new and deeply strange.
A Life Lived Online
Lest you think the peculiar challenges of getting divorced in the Internet era are limited solely to the highly connected, I should say I’ve never really lived my life in public. My Internet presence is devoted almost entirely to my professional life, and while I might peel back the curtain to flaunt my horrific taste in television shows, my day-to-day life has mostly been off-limits.
But my personal life inevitably crept onto the Internet, whether I wanted it to or not. I never even told the Internet I was getting married in 2008, but when I announced on my blog that I would be featuring guest posts for a few weeks, one anonymous commenter guessed that I was going on my honeymoon. Then another managed to find (and link to) my gift registry, which I hadn’t even realized was online. I deleted those comments, but shortly thereafter “Nathan Bransford Wedding” became the second most-searched term involving my name, a position it has bizarrely occupied ever since. (“Nathan Bransford Divorce” has risen to #3 on Google, despite my never having mentioned the divorce online.)
Shortly after our marriage, my then-wife started a blog that chronicled and photographed our real life. Despite being uncomfortable blurring our public and private spheres, I linked to her and mentioned her by name.
My private life was creeping online anyway. It seemed futile to resist the semi-public nature of the Web, which was fine until my marriage unraveled.
That Awkward Moment When You Run Into Your Ex on Facebook…
Post-divorce, the Internet has become a personal minefield. There was the time shortly after the split when LinkedIn suggested I connect with my ex’s new boyfriend. There was a time when Facebook kept surfacing “remember this moment?” photos of me and my ex from my mom’s profile. I hid and changed my relationship status in the dead of night so as few people as possible would notice the change and ask me about it.
Worst of all is Gmail, which has one of the most maddening “features” to confront anyone going through a breakup. Nearly every time I wrote an e-mail to friends this past year, Gmail oh-so-helpfully suggested I include my ex-wife in the e-mail. And you can’t turn this off. It still happens, despite my pleas to Google to make it optional. (Google obviously doesn’t employ enough divorcees.)
That awkward moment of running into your ex can happen virtually at any time, even when you’re comfortably sitting at home. Every mutual friend’s Instagram feed is an encounter waiting to happen. Every search through e-mail to find an address or a phone number is a danger zone of old conversations and memories.
Blog readers and interviewers still ask after my wife, questions I have become increasingly skilled at dodging. Uncomfortable as it is, I can’t put the genie back in the bottle.
When my ex and I split, she adopted a scorched Earth approach to social media. She deleted her Facebook profile and blog entirely and started new ones. (Facebook dutifully suggested I befriend her new profile.)
I didn’t have the luxury of starting over. I had four years of posts devoted to writing and publishing, and discarding all of that because of a few mentions of my ex wouldn’t have made any sense. I could have gone back and scrubbed all mentions of her, but who has that kind of time?
It’s all out there anyway. It’s my life, I can’t pretend it didn’t happen. The Internet makes it impossible to cover your tracks.
The Web Doesn’t Forget
To move on emotionally after a divorce or a breakup, you have to forget. You gradually move on from the pain, the particulars of fraught conversations fade, your memories of being together become hazy, and you reconstruct your life. The relationship eventually feels like a strange dream you once had, and you move on. That’s how we heal.
But the Internet doesn’t forget. It has a perfect memory. And, what’s more, it’s constructed to force memories on you with the assumption that the experience will be pleasant.
Most people don’t have a photo album of themselves and their ex sitting on their coffee table, but Facebook Timeline shows your past to all your friends unless you go back and spend a lot of time revising your past. My ex’s new life isn’t entirely out of view — it keeps popping into my social media feeds and Google Reader.
I’ve had to draw up new blueprints with mutual friends to figure out how to navigate parties I’m not at that will be mentioned online. I’ve had to get used to the weirdness of commenting on the same friends’ Facebook photos as my ex and living a strangely distant parallel life that sometimes can also feel way too close.
Our natural coping strategies can’t compete with Facebook and Twitter.
There is one big benefit to divorce in 2012, though. Now when I date new people, I don’t have to have a painfully awkward conversation where I break the news that I’m divorced. Anyone who is a halfway-decent Google stalker has already figured it out.
This is My Life
I debated whether to write this post for a very long time. Telling everyone I’m divorced on the Internet isn’t really my style. I’m a naturally private person, and a children’s book author at that.
But there’s barely such a thing left as a personal life anymore. Your life is preserved in Facebook status updates, Google searches, public records, and it’s impossible to erase the past. Whether that’s a good or terrifying thing is beside the point. It just is.
I could keep it ambiguous online, or just clear up the mystery. I could continue to dodge questions about my wife, or I could just come out and say I’m divorced.
I’m divorced. There’s no hiding from it in the social media era.
Keisha Martin says
Its funny, when I look at people's pictures I get an opinion of people and that's it, even if the chances are I may be really wrong, lol I remember saying to my friend an agent that can pull off an orange shirt must be a swell guy, you were one of the first agents I queried when I was a goof and queried early because I had this impression you were one of the greatest agents, and it was a honorary rejection lol I don't know you personally obviously but I felt I did when I checked out your blog, read your advice it was right on and helped boost me to take my writing serious like a second career without the money lol I also remembered thinking you should write a book about all the advice you give on your blog.
In closing I wish you all the best, and I think the way you handled things i.e online was quite classy so don't take it weird that a stranger is sending you a *hug* and congrats as well on your books can't wait to read the first to my students.
Michelle Moran says
I'm sorry to hear this. I dealt with the same thing two years ago, and it also arrived very unexpectedly. But I agree with your post. Better to come out and say it. I never did, and that meant answering the same questions over and over again when our photos disappeared. If I could do it all over again, I would absolutely post about it. Not because I owe anyone this information, but because it would have saved a great deal of time and energy.
Danette Haworth says
Oh my gosh, Nathan–I'm sorry to hear about your divorce. No one gets married expecting to separate, and I can't imagine how hard it is for you since you are well-known in the online writing community.
I've been reading and recommending your blog for years. You've always come off as friendly, knowledgeable, and fun. Your thread on Absolute Write was especially helpful.
I'm sorry that you even had to write a post like this, but as others have said, it was insightful (and sad).
As the first poster said, best wishes to you for the next chapter. It might be a while before you feel normal again, but you will get there–life still has great things for you.
Good luck and all my best.
Anne-Marie says
Nathan, you are a real class act, and I want to wish you all the best.
My first marriage broke up in 1996, and I remember thinking we were both lucky not to have children together because we could now go out and start fresh lives without having to see each other the rest of our lives because of our kids. I guess I can add to that the good fortune of not having to deal with social media as well.
Sadly, all these algorithms being calculated by computers cannot account for the reality that being human is often messy and imprecise.
Thanks for helping a lot of people navigate their cyber minefields today with your brave post.
Regards,
Anne-Marie
Rese says
another reason why i'm a technophobe… *sigh* =T great post, tho – and best wishes to you in the future. onwards and upwards, as they say.
Pamala Knight says
So sorry, Nathan. I think it's ironic and cruel that someone who's shown the rest of us how to be civil, polite and private with your online presence, now has to endure the sting caused by social media and nosy people.
Others have said it much better than I ever could, but you're a young man with your life ahead of you. Things will get better but until that time, I'll whisper to the stars and ask them to draw a little closer to you in the meantime.
Emilie says
It's a scary virtual world and it takes a lot of guts to write a post like this, with your usual humor and thoughtfulness. Thanks for sharing, even if it was outside your usual comfort level. Good luck!
Susan Kaye Quinn says
I'm sorry for all your pain with this. I can't imagine how difficult this has been, but you've handled it in the same classy style I've come to expect from you. Best wishes for finding the best in the life is still ahead of you. 🙂
February Grace says
So sorry. Been there, and my ex seemed to 'win' my family in the divorce. All kinds of wrong. I hope things will be easier on you. Big hugs.
bru
Angela Brown says
Divorced. The relationship status that generates apologies from strangers. It opens the door to the human mind, the natural curiosity by some to want to know the "why" behind the split. Most are kind enough to use tact and leave well enough alone.
Having gone through my own divorce some years ago, I have some perspective on the emotional turmoil and other various factors involved. However, I hadn't been on much of the social media scene so very few even knew of the divorce and thought we were still together while he – the ex – was a bit more on the social media scene openly dating a young woman.
When I finally did get into FB, I laughed every time it recommended him and his current person-of-involvement as friends I should choose since we had so many friends in common. They never sent a request. Neither have I.
What I couldn't fathom is that there were people who knew of your relationship status changes before you publicly addressed them…that you were a "search engine high" personally gives me the willies. Also, personally, I never Google stalked you to know one way or another of your status. Your personal status is of no concern of mine, not when that is – ahem – your personal life.
I'm glad you've chosen to lay it out there, that you've mapped your course in a way that suits each step forward and hope that things continue in a positive light with Jacob Wonderbar and all his many adventures.
Naja Tau says
I so admire the social maturity exhibited in this post… it's so good to hear someone else who has these concerns.
I just moved to a new city to start a new life, and I'm absolutely torn in every direction about what to do about the "parallel lives" we live the internet.
People will always need privacy and will always need to change (like with divorce). It's fundamental to human nature. One day, I think we'll figure something out to preserve this shrinking privacy problem we have. Maybe it will just involve a new set of ethics concerning what the socially mature options are for how we think of content on the internet.
Much love- thank you for writing.
Susie Calkins says
I'm so sorry to hear about this; I didn't know about this painful part of your life (I don't seek out this kind of thing either). I'm so impressed, though, with how compassionate, kind and witty you've continued to be on your blog, despite your private turmoil. take care!
Jess says
One of your best posts. Very informative and, believe me, I plan to pass the info to my daughter and stepson. Both hate living life out loud and in front of the world. Thanks!
Anonymous says
I'm very sorry to hear about this, Nathan. I do believe that a lot of the people responsible for these social networks are too young to realize what they're wreaking on society. Unfortunately, when they finally do grow up and get it, it will be too late.
Colleen Walsh Fong says
Well said. I believe we will all deal with social media regret as we play our lives out online.
Best wishes.
wendy says
Nathan, thanks for sharing your feelings and heartbreak. We all appreciate it and feel for you. I'm a little gob-smacked as I followed your former partner's blog for a while and so much love existed there.
I think that people feel lonelier during Christmas and Easter, and being the latter, perhaps, memories and old feelings have been stirred up. I hope this blog has been cathartic for you.
Hope Clark says
So sorry to hear about this rocky patch in your life, Nathan, but I get it as do at least half the people in your bloggosphere. Here's best wishes for balancing your new life. Been there, sweetheart. You'll do fine. Thanks for this wonderful view of social media and divorce, though. Very very good info to make one think.
Hope Clark
http://www.fundsforwriters.com
http://www.chopeclark.com
Darlene Underdahl says
It's extemely painful even if it has to happen… good luck.
readingkidsbooks says
Thanks for what must have been a difficult post. Hoping that the toughest part is over and that you can get on with a happier private life to compliment the healthy, helpful, and happy professional side that so many of us have appreciated you sharing.
Jennifer Kay says
Very brave and honest post. I'm also recently divorced and I've experienced most of the situations you mentioned. Lots of head nodding and laughing as I read. Though I'm not published yet so I can't say my name is showing up on any top google lists with or without the word divorced attached. . . . yet.
Jaden Terrell says
Nathan, I've followed your blog for years and continue to read it even though I now have a wonderful agent and publisher. It's this sort of honesty and grace that keeps your followers so loyal.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I can't make it all better, but send warm wishes your way anyway.
I've had some uncomfortable moments with FB of a different sort. Occasionally, I get suggestions to buy a virtual beer for or say hi to a friend who has passed away. It's disconcerting, because it feels somehow wrong to unfriend them but a little odd to get messages about them as if they were still around. I usually do go and post a "missing you" message or something of the sort.
Annalisa says
So sorry to hear this. I love reading your blog and had no idea all the heartache you've been going through the past year while you've been so generous and helpful with us. You don't owe us anything, but thanks for letting us know.
Chase March says
I can identify with the sentiment here. I try to keep the details of my family life off of the Internet. In fact, I haven't even posted a photo of myself online to further create a sense of distance between my real life and my online life.
I really appreciate that you were able to share this story with us.
All the best!
Laurel says
Hugs to you. And your ex. Just that, hugs. Lots of them.
erica and christy says
Some people try to figure out everyone else's lives. Those people suck.
erica
Elyssa Papa says
Nathan, I'm so sorry–as a private person myself, I know how hard it can be to reveal this and open up. Any sort of break up/divorce is hard enough but with all the social media involved, it makes it even more difficult to have a clean break of things. I hope things will only improve for you.
Neurotic Workaholic says
I'm sorry that you've been going through a difficult time, and I'm also sorry that a few people violated your privacy by including links to your guest registry. Maybe they had good intentions, but still. I never joined Facebook, partly because it pressures people to connect and reconnect with a bunch of people. That can be a good thing, but there are a few people that I don't have any interest in reconnecting with, and I don't want to be pressured to "friend" them. Connecting with people through blogging is enough for me.
It is tough to protect our privacy in the digital age. I've read articles about how people have to be very careful about what they put on their Facebook pages, because now some employers are demanding their passwords.
Sara | Stinkerpants says
I really appreciate this post, which was sent to me by a friend of mine. I'm also an illustrator in SF, also recently divorced. I seriously have no idea how to navigate the Internet now – I've gone from publicly posting tons of personal stuff ("personal" is part of my brand) to not wanting to share anything. I had to laugh at your issues with gmail and Facebook – I'm cursing them daily too. 😉 Anyway, thanks for unofficially welcoming me to the land of e-divorces!
Anonymous says
Omg… bear hug!
brianw says
Hey Nathan,
I just wanted to say that I think you're a brave man. Sometimes life is hard, but you continue to do amazing things with this blog and I'm so excited for the next 'Jacob' book (and the one after that). Keep your head up. It's been a tough last 12 months in my life as well, but I believe our best days are ahead of us.
Maybe next time we meet for coffee in SF we'll be competing for the number 1 spot on the New York Times Bestseller list:)
sands says
The "coming out" is a good decision. It would be easier to face this from now on.. (hmm… hopefully)
[Also, please make the word verification a bit simpler. I am a real human and had to try a few times.. Now, more than the original comment, I want to request you to make the commenting part not so extremely difficult.]
Anonymous says
Thanks for this post. I have never gotten heavily involved in social media, and you do a wonderful job of articulating why. I'm not too concerned about it for myself, but as an older (grew up pre-internet) parent of a young child I worry about a generation of kids growing up with internet bullying, and with the prospect of them not having the luxury of being able to let the stupid things they did when they were young fade away into oblivion like we did. I'm teaching my child to use a computer because I have no choice – computer's are becoming the foundation of our world. But I'm going to ban social media use for my child at least as long as she is living at home with me. The past ten years or so it's struck me as being a technologically pretty scary world out there, and I'm sorry to hear that you've been having those difficulties. For what it's worth, I've been following your blog for awhile, and I've always really admired your ability to keep it professional, rather than personal. Your thoughtful (and probably painful to write) post really emphasizes how one's own efforts in this area just aren't enough. Good luck to you.
Shannon says
Thanks for this post. I have never gotten heavily involved in social media, and you do a wonderful job of articulating why. I'm not too concerned about it for myself, but as an older (grew up pre-internet) parent of a young child I worry about a generation of kids growing up with internet bullying, and with the prospect of them not having the luxury of being able to let the stupid things they did when they were young fade away into oblivion like we did. I'm teaching my child to use a computer because I have no choice – computer's are becoming the foundation of our world. But I'm going to ban social media use for my child at least as long as she is living at home with me. The past ten years or so it's struck me as being a technologically pretty scary world out there, and I'm sorry to hear that you've been having those difficulties. For what it's worth, I've been following your blog for awhile, and I've always really admired your ability to keep it professional, rather than personal. Your thoughtful (and probably painful to write) post really emphasizes how one's own efforts in this area just aren't enough. Good luck to you.
Guilie says
Yep, it's rough, and it's an aspect of social media few people ever consider. I'm sorry, Nathan, but I appreciate you sharing your experience and turning it into something that might benefit others. It's hard to live in the public eye, but think about why you're there: you influence others, you make us all better, you lead in the striving for the good things we're looking for. People care about you. We do.
Terin Tashi Miller says
Dear Former Agent Man: this is perhaps the boldest, bravest, most honest and out there post I think I have ever read, from anyone, but particularly you whose views and descriptions we've come to expect.
I'm very sorry I didn't know a year ago you were divorcing, as, having been through it myself when I was roughly beginning a career–in journalism, while trying to begin one in fiction writing–I feel regretful and neglectful I wasn't able to offer you any advice.
Of course, the whole reason people try to keep such things OUT of social media, and others' conversations, is because as I recall when you're going through it you don't really WANT anyone else's advice, or story, or bitterness or regrets.
It is a shame (to me) that so much of so many peoples' private lives is now the grist for social media. I withdrew from Facebook for Lent, partly because I had come to realize that so much time was being spent by myself and others merely feeling obligated to let others know the most mundane, inane, and uninteresting aspects of their daily lives.
So. Congratulations on coming out of it well enough a year on to write this unabashedly honest post.
The pain of the break has obviously made you stronger.
And tomorrow, let's talk again about writing. Unless you'd rather talk about the Corona Portable typewriters I'm seeing all over Ebay again…
MaryAnn Pope says
I'm sorry about your divorce. It really sucks that these things can't remain private.
Vera Soroka says
Sorry to hear about what all you went through. I hope it's getting better now. I wish you all the best.
This is why after reading what you went through that I don't have much to do with the social media scene. It's just too invasive and hard to keep your personal life out of it.
Elaine AM Smith says
Sad times.
Why should curiosity kill the cat when it can scan it – scrutinise it inside and out – for any kind of sore to pick.
Anne R. Allen says
So sorry you had to go through this, Nathan–all while keeping up the happy face and promoting your wonderfully positive books and continuing to inspire new writers. I've always said you were one of the classiest acts in this business. You've proved it.
Thank you so much for talking about this extremely negative aspect of social media. Younger people don't seem to worry as much about the loss of privacy in the 21st century world, but it's a major deal and this proves it.
Thanks for a powerful and important post.
Mina Burrows says
I am sorry that you've had to deal with this. Life is hard as it is without constant reminders of everything you did i.e. the good, the bad and the "Oh, did I say/do that?" The internet is like that annoying friend that you have a love/hate relationship with. You know the one that you can't live without.
I think you're doing all you can do under the circumstances. Keep moving forward!
Salima says
I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. Thank you for having the courage to open up…I know it wasn't easy. But I think it's going to help a lot of people figure out how to navigate these situations and take whatever precautions make sense to them. You're totally right in that social media doesn't allow for that protective psychological "bubble" that we need to heal from breakups….and this post makes me really glad that those exes I don't want to remember at all were pre-Facebook for me.
Again, thanks for your candid post.
Marta says
Nathan, I'm sorry you both went through this, and especially that you had to deal with so much at one time. The new book and the new job on top of a divorce? Too many stressful changes simultaneously. You must be made of strong stuff.
I only knew you were married because of your Heifer charity drive, which I'm now guessing you continued on your own last year. Bravo.
The social media aspects of your post may kick off a campaign against some of the assumptions made by sites like Facebook.
To give a couple examples, one is the assumption that people will want to respond to any post with a "Like"–How is that appropriate when someone's posted terrible news? Should I "Like" your post about this blog entry? And leaving a supportive comment instead can be awkward, particularly when the social relationship is not personally close.
The other assumption is that everyone we know, or who knows someone we know, can only be a potential friend. This can be distressing when there are painful associations, like yours and several others mentioned in comments above. Whenever Facebook suggests I invite my father to various pages, it gives me a pang, because he passed away last year. But it would pain me more to "unfriend" him.
Again, you seem to lead the way in terms of how we view and deal with social media and dissemination of information.
Belated wishes for the best this year.
Anonymous says
Hugs.
ddelano says
Your blog has been a place where I have felt unconditionally supported in my writing life. I would bet for many of us here you have really given us so much both professionally and personally through your insights. Please know that you have our unconditional support as well – good luck as you move through this new chapter in your life!
emaginette says
There is no running away. That is what this blog is about. So, stand tall, take it and let it hurt.
It won't hurt forever.
Eventually you won't care anymore. Then let it go.
Divorce sucks. So does being married to the wrong person. Count your lucky stars you're out.
Kristi Helvig says
I had no idea, and I'm so sorry to hear it. I admire your courage and honesty, and know you'll come through this stronger than ever. The upside of social media is looking at the number of comments you have on this post–you have tremendous support and love from others in the writing community, and you deserve all the best! 🙂
Terri Lynn Coop says
So sorry. I had a mini-version of your experience. My ex and I ran a company with a strong online presence. My husband was a beloved artist and I did all the grunt work behind the scenes. In public we were all unicorns and puppies. In private our marriage was a cage match.
I already had an exit strategy when an accident left him bed-ridden for life. The emotional and financial stresses finished off an already fractured relationship. Because of his medical condition, I had to assume control of the company and remake it in my image while still paying homage to his legacy.
I did the same thing you did. Inconspicuously deleted statuses and started slowly changing "our" to "my" when talking to customers. I'm not sure half even know the truth. But I soldier on,as a single woman in a collecting genre dominated by men and reinvent myself I go along.
It was hard enough to do with my limited online persona. You are a rockstar in this arena and your fans do want to know what you had for breakfast.
I'm a lurker here who enters the occasional contest and always enjoys the content. I didn't know until this post popped up in my FB feed. Take care. Those of us in the dark balconies are cheering for you.
Terri
Melanie Hooyenga says
I'm sorry you've had to go through this. I haven't read blogs recently and actually had no idea you'd gotten divorced. Mine's been final about a year and a half and while I kept the particulars quiet, I also did a blog post to keep the rumors from swirling.
I'm still FB friends with my ex, but he's rarely on so it's not much of an issue.
Good luck to you.
cobwebs says
Nathan, this too shall pass. Heartfelt hugs, my dear.
maine character says
Thanks for the cautionary tale.
I wish you no more bizarre bittersweet reminders, but an open path into better days.