The divorce particulars won’t break new ground in the genre, and I don’t pretend my experience is any more or less painful than what others have gone through.
But in the era of Facebook, Twitter, Google, e-mail, and blogs, this literally isn’t your parents’ divorce anymore. Thanks to the Internet there are things we never before had to worry about confronting, and no roadmap on how to get through. The essentials of divorce may be the same, but the digital landscape new divorcees confront is new and deeply strange.
A Life Lived Online
Lest you think the peculiar challenges of getting divorced in the Internet era are limited solely to the highly connected, I should say I’ve never really lived my life in public. My Internet presence is devoted almost entirely to my professional life, and while I might peel back the curtain to flaunt my horrific taste in television shows, my day-to-day life has mostly been off-limits.
But my personal life inevitably crept onto the Internet, whether I wanted it to or not. I never even told the Internet I was getting married in 2008, but when I announced on my blog that I would be featuring guest posts for a few weeks, one anonymous commenter guessed that I was going on my honeymoon. Then another managed to find (and link to) my gift registry, which I hadn’t even realized was online. I deleted those comments, but shortly thereafter “Nathan Bransford Wedding” became the second most-searched term involving my name, a position it has bizarrely occupied ever since. (“Nathan Bransford Divorce” has risen to #3 on Google, despite my never having mentioned the divorce online.)
Shortly after our marriage, my then-wife started a blog that chronicled and photographed our real life. Despite being uncomfortable blurring our public and private spheres, I linked to her and mentioned her by name.
My private life was creeping online anyway. It seemed futile to resist the semi-public nature of the Web, which was fine until my marriage unraveled.
That Awkward Moment When You Run Into Your Ex on Facebook…
Post-divorce, the Internet has become a personal minefield. There was the time shortly after the split when LinkedIn suggested I connect with my ex’s new boyfriend. There was a time when Facebook kept surfacing “remember this moment?” photos of me and my ex from my mom’s profile. I hid and changed my relationship status in the dead of night so as few people as possible would notice the change and ask me about it.
Worst of all is Gmail, which has one of the most maddening “features” to confront anyone going through a breakup. Nearly every time I wrote an e-mail to friends this past year, Gmail oh-so-helpfully suggested I include my ex-wife in the e-mail. And you can’t turn this off. It still happens, despite my pleas to Google to make it optional. (Google obviously doesn’t employ enough divorcees.)
That awkward moment of running into your ex can happen virtually at any time, even when you’re comfortably sitting at home. Every mutual friend’s Instagram feed is an encounter waiting to happen. Every search through e-mail to find an address or a phone number is a danger zone of old conversations and memories.
Blog readers and interviewers still ask after my wife, questions I have become increasingly skilled at dodging. Uncomfortable as it is, I can’t put the genie back in the bottle.
When my ex and I split, she adopted a scorched Earth approach to social media. She deleted her Facebook profile and blog entirely and started new ones. (Facebook dutifully suggested I befriend her new profile.)
I didn’t have the luxury of starting over. I had four years of posts devoted to writing and publishing, and discarding all of that because of a few mentions of my ex wouldn’t have made any sense. I could have gone back and scrubbed all mentions of her, but who has that kind of time?
It’s all out there anyway. It’s my life, I can’t pretend it didn’t happen. The Internet makes it impossible to cover your tracks.
The Web Doesn’t Forget
To move on emotionally after a divorce or a breakup, you have to forget. You gradually move on from the pain, the particulars of fraught conversations fade, your memories of being together become hazy, and you reconstruct your life. The relationship eventually feels like a strange dream you once had, and you move on. That’s how we heal.
But the Internet doesn’t forget. It has a perfect memory. And, what’s more, it’s constructed to force memories on you with the assumption that the experience will be pleasant.
Most people don’t have a photo album of themselves and their ex sitting on their coffee table, but Facebook Timeline shows your past to all your friends unless you go back and spend a lot of time revising your past. My ex’s new life isn’t entirely out of view — it keeps popping into my social media feeds and Google Reader.
I’ve had to draw up new blueprints with mutual friends to figure out how to navigate parties I’m not at that will be mentioned online. I’ve had to get used to the weirdness of commenting on the same friends’ Facebook photos as my ex and living a strangely distant parallel life that sometimes can also feel way too close.
Our natural coping strategies can’t compete with Facebook and Twitter.
There is one big benefit to divorce in 2012, though. Now when I date new people, I don’t have to have a painfully awkward conversation where I break the news that I’m divorced. Anyone who is a halfway-decent Google stalker has already figured it out.
This is My Life
I debated whether to write this post for a very long time. Telling everyone I’m divorced on the Internet isn’t really my style. I’m a naturally private person, and a children’s book author at that.
But there’s barely such a thing left as a personal life anymore. Your life is preserved in Facebook status updates, Google searches, public records, and it’s impossible to erase the past. Whether that’s a good or terrifying thing is beside the point. It just is.
I could keep it ambiguous online, or just clear up the mystery. I could continue to dodge questions about my wife, or I could just come out and say I’m divorced.
I’m divorced. There’s no hiding from it in the social media era.
Erika Robuck says
Wow, I'm sorry to hear about all of that, but I admire your straightforward approach to dealing with the situation. Best wishes to you for the next chapter.
Sarah Tuttle-Singer. Yes, That's My Real Name. (Hi Dad.) says
It's rough. I write a very public column for Kveller.com, a Jewish parenting website, and for months I couldn't come clean and acknowledge the yarmulke wearing elephant in the room — and as a result, my posts were cheap knockoffs of the truth. Finally, I "came out" and wrote about it, and was stunned by the outpouring of support both in real life and online. It felt… great. Sometimes, admitting it boldly is the final step — only when you get through it can you say it. And only when you say it are you truly over it.
Anonymous says
Good point, and I'm sorry. I work in publishing (we know each other but I'd prefer to keep things anonymous). Similar to you I use social media frequently though never for my personal life. However when my wife and I split and I began dating, my name and 'divorce' began the second most Googled phrase for me, despite never mentioning it unless in person.
I started online dating, which led to this awkward text exchange:
My ex: "You're dating X's ex-wife?" (X is the guy my wife left me for, who divorced his wife to be with mine)
Me: "No, why do you think that?"
Ex: "She told X you showed up in her 'matches' online, so you're seeing her?'
Me: "I don't even know who she is, I've never met her and don't know her name!"
Ex: "Oh, ok. Well please don't date her."
Even changing my Facebook status, as you said, was an emotional roller coaster. And her family and friends still 'like' photos I post, and I don't have the heart to defriend her parents, but I wish they'd have a little tact.
Emily House says
Thank you for the honesty. This post will help a lot of people.
Anne Lyle says
I feel your pain. My ex and I have mutual friends, and FB for a while would helpful suggest that I friend my ex because of it *sigh*
Thankfully we split up before either of us joined FB, so that's about our only connection. Things have changed a lot in the past five years, and not all for the better…
Katie says
While I love technology and social media, but I have noticed a MAJOR shift in how publicly we live and make our lives. I am not comfortable with it AT ALL.
I've learned things about my own family members via Facebook that make me cringe and want to cover my face in embarrassment. I wish things were a little simpler, but I feel that they will only become much more complicated as time -and technology- rushes on.
I am sorry about your divorce, but I congratulate you, too. Divorce is not a pleasant experience, but it means that one or both of you decided to make a change you felt was necessary. Not many people are comfortable with change, and those who act on it, instead of avoiding it, are usually better for it.
Have fun dating again! 🙂
Criticus says
Very sorry to hear about this, Nathan. Kudos for your honest and courageous approach to dealing with it.
simply call me Ira... says
Actually, you don't owe anyone your story of your life, if you really want to share, Mr. Bransford. Quite big heart you've got that eventually you've shared it. Hope you feel relieved anyway. Nice and sweet story, I guess.
Cat York says
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Thank you for being so honest about the downfalls of a life online.
Rebecca Taylor says
You are handling it so well. I can only imagine how difficult the entire situation has been for you–and her. I have always read and enjoyed your blog and even though I rarely comment, my thoughts go out to you both.
Bridget says
Thank you so much for this post. My husband let me know 7 weeks ago that I will soon be a member of your club, because he doesn't want to be married anymore. I hadn't even thought of most of this stuff. Best wishes for the future and take care!
Brett Henley says
You sir, are a brave man.
There is no hiding any more, but at least you're handling the inevitable discomfort with grace.
Life is full of ugly surprises, the dips, etc. -> everything is in how you react.
High five to you, and best of luck.
Court Merrigan says
I admire the straight shooting.
Anonymous says
Agree with everything you said, but I feel I should point out that divorces that involve children and visitation were already suffering from similar issues long before social media. If you co-parent even though you don't live together anymore, healing was much more difficult than if you could make a clean split and just go your separate ways.
Norma Beishir says
Nothing is sacred on the internet, it seems. Sorry you've had to go through this.
Wendy Paine Miller says
Thanks so much for shedding light on what this has been like for you. I’m hoping it will help us all be mindful and empathetic in the future. Brave and necessary post!
~ Wendy
Nathan Bransford says
anon @ 7:23-
Bro tap
Bridget-
Hang in there! It's rough before it starts getting better.
anon @ 7:33-
Yeah, I hear you, it's something I've seen friends go through. I'm fortunate (if you can be fortunate in these things) to have had a clean break, I can imagine how much more difficult it is when that's not possible.
Everyone-
Thank you!!
Limari Colón says
Dear Nathan:
I admire your honesty. I can assure you that you are right where you need to be at this moment in your life. You are young, smart, handsome and your career is thriving.
I use to believe my ex was the love of my life. I suffered and tortured myself thinking about how I messed everything up. A little over a year after things ended between us, I met my current husband, whom I've been with for almost five years and fathered my first child.
I thanked my ex many times (in my mind, of course), for setting me free and helping me find and keep the love life I always wanted (and would never be able to have with him).
Have fun. Enjoy your life. You have God's favor. You are more than enough, destined for greatness. You write beautifully, and have great ideas. You are healthy, and have many years to come.
Remember life is just a ride. And it is in these moments (the ones that hurt) that you discover how precious living in the present really is.
Many blessings,
Limari
Charise says
As if it's not hard enough. I'm "in process" and joked that one of things I dreaded most was changing my FB status. But I was only half-joking. I've been doing humor pieces on my blog to avoid the whole thing.
John Elder Robison says
All I can say is, it may get better with time. My first ex wife and I are friends today, and she has her own blog and FB. She often writes her views of stories from my past, and it's okay.
My second ex and I still own the car company together and we see each other every day. It was hard for a while but if you are together in real life the Internet is not really an issue.
I do know what you mean, but if you can move on constructively the "online past" becomes less painful
Jill says
I'm glad you said something. In the end, the truth will set you free – both in your writing and your heart. Hang in there.
R. A. Mare says
This is a brave and useful post. Thank you.
Joy D. Fanning says
Loved this post. I've been divorced two years and its rough. I can say though that I was able to turn all those negatives into positives and be a person I am proud to be.
Stephen Parrish says
I had no idea. I'm sorry.
The Circus says
I blocked my ex. And his new wife (who moved in a week after I moved out). Now if we're commenting on mutual friends photos on fb, we are blissfully unaware of it.
Isobel Carr says
Yep…just last night my sister came over to help redesign my facebook page (she does this for a living) and BAM there was my ex staring at me from her FB freinds box. Blech. & FB will not stop suggesting him as a friend no matter what I do.
Lisa Shafer says
I am sorry you had to go through a divorce, Nathan. But thanks for this post. I had no idea it was like this until reading your post.
Thank heaven my own divorce took place in that distant era when all I had to was change my name on my only (then) e-mail address.
However, that makes me think, though, that a woman today might have even more internet troubles than you just mentioned; at least you didn't have to deal with changing your name and changing it back.
Thanks for being personal today and sharing this. I bet it helps some people as they go through deleting pics and posts themselves.
And I'm going off to count my blessings that I've never even cyber-bumped into my ex anywhere. (I'm sure he's glad, too. Our lives are very, very much in different directions now.)
Cheekychook says
As usual, Nathan, your post is thoughtful, straight forward and honest, which is the reason you have so many people who read your blog. I'm sorry to learn that you've had a rough time of things and can sympathize about having circumstance and social media put you in a position where you felt it became necessary to do something you wouldn't have otherwise chosen to do. Social media turns the entire world into a gossipy small town and, sadly, when everyone else is already talking about your personal business sometimes it's best to just set the record straight and speak for yourself. Clearly you were brave enough to do just that. Hopefully it will put some of the chatter to rest and will give you some peace. Don't underestimate how much your openness will help others who are going through the same thing. Wishing you all the best in the future.
Anonymous says
I admire your courage to be open and honest about an uncomfortable and difficult process.
I feel the pain in your post, and it hurts. Even cross-country.
Best of luck-
Mr. D says
That does it. I'm taking a break from writing and giving my wife the attention she deserves.
William Kendall says
I'm sorry you've had to go through this, Nathan.
India Drummond says
Facebook often makes uncomfortable suggestions to me. I too wish there was a "please don't talk to me about this person" option.
I've stopped using most google products because I'm truly uncomfortable with the way I saw them using my data to make unwelcome suggestions about my life.
Heather says
Thanks for sharing. I also went through a divorce and dealt with the weird social media issues that surround it. Since I'm female, I had to change my name as well as my status, which made it harder to discreetly hide my relationship status change (or, for that matter, my Twitter handle change) in the dead of night and hope no one noticed.
After awhile though, I came to realize…who cares if people notice? Yes, it's hard. Divorce sucks, plain and simple, no matter what the reason for the split is. But if anything, I've learned that I am certainly not the only person on the planet to get a divorce. No one wants to air their dirty laundry online, but why should we feel we have to hide, either? We're only human. Life happens. This is part of who I am, part of my past that made me into me. If people just treat each other with basic human decency, don't ask rude/weird questions, and simply be kind and respectful, we'll all get through just fine. (Of course, not everyone does that, but those people, well, suck.)
Anyway, this post really resonated with me. I can tell that it wasn't easy to write. Thank you, Nathan.
Lisa says
I, too, don't know if I've ever left a comment here before, although I've been reading and very much enjoying your blog for a couple of years.
Kudos to you for facing your fear of having your painful breakup placed in the glare of the public spotlight. We live in a very strange new world of TMI, but your post was filled with grace and honesty.
You will almost certainly look back on this experience and smile at how grateful you are that you walked through this fire. Thank you for being honest, courageous, and sweet.
Anonymous says
This definitely sucks, and I wish some of the social network platforms would try to offer a solution.
Shortly after I joined Facebook, Facebook suggested I friend the man who sexually abused me for three years, when I was a child (which shouldn't have been as surprising as it was, since he was related.) I blocked him, as I have in all areas of my life, so as not to be reminded of him, and Facebook promptly suggested I friend his wife. I blocked her. How about his children? Me: WTF?!
Eventually I blocked them all. But these days, it seems as if there's really no way to pretend the past didn't happen or try to ignore it. This man lives on the opposite side of the continent from me, but his name still pops in my FB feed, when extended relatives mention him in their posts–and there seems to be no way for me to block that, unless I sever all ties to my family. It sucks.
Donna Russo Morin says
I also try to keep my personal life out of my social media postings but, after years and years of abuse, to find myself mired in a judicial system that was incapable or unwilling to help this person from further damaging me and my children–that enabled divorce lawyers to earn hundreds of dollars an hour while sitting around chatting in court room halls–the anger became against 'the system' and not personal, and, therefore, became increasingly difficult not to 'comment' on. Almost three years later and I'm still fighting for justice. Difficult to keep that out of my posts as it infests my life.
Natalie Aguirre says
Thanks for sharing this. So sorry you had to go through the experience of divorce. I know all those Internet reminders must make the forgetting more painful.
I just starting practicing in family law again recently and hadn't thought of how Facebook and the internet can make my client's painful divorces more painful. I'll have to mention that to them. Thanks.
Elizabeth Young says
I actually found your blog through this post, as I was interested to hear what you had to say about this, so I am thankful you came clean and took the genie out of the bottle for all to see. I applaud your courage and wish you the best in future endeavors.
Caroline says
I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. There is nothing worse than being constantly reminded of a loss–whether it be the end of a relationship or a death. I've recently grappled with the death thing; I lost a great friend and mentor last year and now when I go on "Words with Friends" on Facebook, it asks me if I want to send a challenge to this dearly departed person (whose wife never deactivated his profile). It bothers me every time. 🙁
Hang in there. I'm not divorced but I'm not ashamed to say that I've come very close. It's not a fun place to be.
abc says
Oh man. Well I had NO idea. I guess I'm not a very good internet stalker. You are brave to put this out there even though it feels like you have no choice. I have always admired you–for your writing, for your wisdom, for your humor, and for your humanity most of all. I am sorry this happened, but you will prosper because you are you. Such a lovely, honest, helpful, and wise post, sir.
Anonymous says
I'm so very sorry to hear you've been through a rough patch. I found the whole "telling people" part of my divorce very difficult and upsetting – and that was even without internet! But once people/family/friends knew, it was much easier to move on – the mystery and intrigue was gone and people can gather round and support you (and move on to other gossip 🙂 Hopefully that happens for you too.
Even though I love the internet and the opportunities it provides for sharing and community, the flip-side is that sometimes private things become far more public than they should be. I think this was such a brave and smart move, to just lay it out there – better to remove any intrigue, and everyone can get on with their own lives.
Wishing you all the best!
Matthew J. Beier says
Thank you for posting this, Nathan. It was an unexpected bit of depth for my morning, and it really popped my heart seams, to quote Lady Gaga. I really am sorry you have gone through this. Few things are more heartbreaking than a breakup, and the constant digital reminders can be quite difficult.
I remember after breaking up with my ex, I went through my old Facebook albums (full of my photography, not just "fun life times,") and removed picture captions talking about "my man" and such. It felt like erasing part of my heart, but it also felt necessary, somehow. That said, being able to keep parts of those happy memories public has reminded me that yes, they were part of my life, and I would do well to embrace and keep trying to learn from them.
Sometimes, these new digital factors of life get very frustrating, and I wonder if any of them are really worth keeping up. But then I think about how interconnected humanity truly is, and how we can also now learn from each other's plights/experiences, and I find some comfort in it. Your post this morning was a ray of humanity sent out into the digisphere, and it made me feel and think. So…thank you for that. I'm glad you wrote this post.
Bane of Anubis says
I am terribly sorry to hear this, Nathan, though as others have suggested, this post will undoubtedly help others. May your journey to tomorrow be as quick and painless as possible.
Anonymous says
Wow; thanks for pointing out these serious areas of insensitivity in social media. You're book(soon to be bookS) and posts inspire so many people, it's amazing how they could be so nosey and insensitive. Thanks for sharing, and sorry to hear that.
Fenris says
I'm sorry to hear that, Nathan. To be able to admit it, though, speaks to your fortitude. Best of luck in your endeavors, and I hope some measure of happiness might assuage your pain.
Anonymous says
I'm not a very good internet stalker either, I guess, and I admire you for being so honest.
Kristin says
Nathan,
I am so sorry to hear this. A brave and helpful post.
Carol Newman Cronin says
Thanks for sharing this. It makes me "glad" I went through this back in the late 80s, when it was still possible to avoid the internet. But the shock was still the same when I came across a FB comment from my by then-20 years-in-the-past ex a few months ago…
Hang in there. And here's to second marriages! Some of us need a little practice to get it right.
Darley says
The irony of your post is not lost on me, but I think you did the right thing.. for yourself. If it was that much trouble to avoid the subject then better to be open about it. I'm guessing you feel much better about things now, or will in time.
D.G. Hudson says
Some of us have been through that particular fire, Nathan. I'm one.
I had to journal to keep my balance, since I had no one to confide in.
The web and it's connectedness seems to be increasing. In business, we called it 'entangling the customer'.
Thanks for sharing, Nathan, it's not a pleasant life event to endure. If you want to vent, we'll listen.