• Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar

Nathan Bransford | Writing, Book Editing, Publishing

Helping authors achieve their dreams

  • Blog
  • Writing Advice
  • Publishing Advice
  • About
  • Take a Class
  • Get Editing

An agent responds to “Paperback Writer” by The Beatles

August 25, 2011 by Nathan Bransford 24 Comments

This guest post was promoted from the Forums. More information on Guest Post Promotion here.

By: Jon Gibbs

Even though it wasn’t real, the most famous ‘query letter’ of all time has to be the one immortalized by the Beatles within the lyrics of their 1966 classic, Paperback Writer.

But what if Paul McCartney (who wrote the song) really had been an unknown wannabe, trying to get an agent or editor to read his book? What kind of response would he have got if he’d sent a query letter like the one he sang about?

We’ll never know for sure, but here’s how I think Agnes Hardacre, former senior agent at The Write Good Read Literary Agency (who some of you may recall sent me feedback on my query letter for Dracula vs. the Daleks a couple of years ago), would have responded:

Dear Mr. McCartney,

With reference to your recent correspondence seeking representation for
yourself and your novel, I regret to inform you that The Write Good Read
Literary Agency will not be inviting you to join our client roster.

As someone who harbors ambitions of one day becoming a published author myself, I fully understand your desire to become a ‘paperback writer.’

I share the frustration we authors feel when our work is rejected with little or no explanation as to why it’s deemed unworthy. With that in mind – and please understand this is in no way a request for you to re-submit your work – I’d like to offer some observations about your letter of enquiry, along with some helpful advice which, if heeded, I believe will greatly increase your chances of getting past that all-important first stage of the representation process when you submit your work elsewhere.

1: DO YOUR HOMEWORK

You start your letter of enquiry with ‘Dear, sir or madam, will you read my book?’

To use the modern vernacular, I’m afraid you ‘Shot yourself in the foot’, not once, but twice, within your very first sentence. In this modern technological age, a quick call to Directory Enquiries would have gotten you this agency’s telephone number. Had you then telephoned our main office, a member of our secretarial staff would have gladly furnished you with the name of the person to whom you should address your letter of enquiry (in this case, myself).

A little extra effort would have gone a long way, believe me.

2: LEAVE OUT THE OBVIOUS

As for ‘will you read my book?’ of course you want us to read your work. Why else would you have sent it to us? To ask even once in a letter of enquiry is redundant, to ask twice, as you did, smacks of desperation.

3: LEAVE OUT UNNECESSARY INFORMATION

Moving on. A good book is a good book. Readers (and agents) don’t care how long you or any other author worked on a novel (even if it did, as you
claim, take you years). In a similar vein, nor do we need to know about
your current need for employment. It makes you sound desperate.

4: BE AWARE OF POSSIBLE COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT

You say your plotline is based on a book by another author – a Mr. Lear as I
recall. You should be aware of the potential for a lawsuit if you’ve
used characters created by another writer without his or her express
permission.

5: GIVE MORE (AND BETTER) STORY DETAILS

Your covering letter tells me next to nothing about the novel you’d like us to represent, not even (and this is an enormous faux pas) its title .

All I could glean from it was that you’ve written a somewhat smutty story
about an ill-groomed, unkempt man whose wife won’t give him space and
doesn’t appreciate him (or his ambitions, I couldn’t tell which). This unnamed man has a son (also unnamed) who works at a newspaper, but (like you) harbors an ambition to write paperbacks.

It’s too vague. Give me a reason to care. Give me a reason to ask for more.

6: FINISH YOUR BOOK BEFORE YOU SEND IT OUT

When I read your offer to write extra chapters and/or rearrange the plot if
we like your writing style, it became obvious that your book is still a WiP (a modern acronym which stands for ‘Work in Progress). We want people to send us finished work. Besides, at a thousand pages, your manuscript is already too long. I believe you should consider splitting it into two, or even three, novels.

7: IT’S NOT OUR BOOK IT’S YOURS

It’s also a mistake to tender the rights to your work without pre-conditions. A less ethical agency might have taken you up on your offer.

8: DON’T MAKE WILD CLAIMS

I sincerely doubt that your (or any other unknown author’s) book would generate a million pounds for our agency overnight. It does you no good to claim otherwise. In fact, it makes you look unprofessional, which is never a good thing in the literary world.

9: IF YOU WANT THINGS RETURNED, INCLUDE POSTAGE

You state that if we must return your manuscript (or as we like to call it these days ‘ms’), we can send it back to you, but since you neglected to include the necessary three shillings and sixpence in postage stamps, I’m afraid that’s not possible.

On a final note, I detect a lyrical symmetry in the way you wrote your letter which makes me wonder if your efforts might find better reward in the field of poetry, or even songwriting. Perhaps you could set your letter of enquiry to music, though I’m not sure a song about wanting to write paperback books is exactly the sort of thing young people would listen to. These days, everything on the hit parade seems to be a variation on the theme of love.

I sincerely hope you find my comments and observations helpful. Wishing you the very best in your future endeavors.

Yours faithfully,

Agnes S. Hardacre (Junior acquisitions editor)
For The Write Good Read Literary Agency

I think that just about covers it.

Born in England, Jon Gibbs (www.acatofninetales.com) now lives in New Jersey, where he’s a member of SCBWI, The Liberty States Fiction Writers and Garden State Horror Writers. He’s the founder of The New Jersey Authors’ Network and FindAWritingGroup.com.

Jon’s debut novel, Fur-Face (Echelon Press 2010), a middle grade science/horror/fantasy for boys aged 10-12, was nominated for a Crystal Kite Award. His popular blog, An Englishman in New Jersey (https://jongibbs.livejournal.com), is read in over thirty countries.

Jon can usually be found hunched over the computer in his basement office. One day he hopes to figure out how to switch it on.

Filed Under: Literary Agents Tagged With: guest blog, literary agents

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Matt Sinclair says

    August 25, 2011 at 2:12 pm

    Funny! I've thought about that song in that light ever since I started working on query letters.

    Reply
  2. Mr. D says

    August 25, 2011 at 2:19 pm

    Regardless, it's a great song!

    Reply
  3. Rgian says

    August 25, 2011 at 2:25 pm

    Awesome!This was a really clever post!

    Reply
  4. Mira says

    August 25, 2011 at 2:30 pm

    This was a clever post. Nice job. 🙂

    However, it does absolutely prove my point that query letters are a terrible, inaccurate way to screen writers and should go the way of the Dodo bird.

    Anyone who turned down Paul McCartney's query would have lived to deeply, deeply regret it.

    Reply
  5. Steve Axelrod says

    August 25, 2011 at 2:35 pm

    Just for reference …

    Dear Sir or Madam, will you read my book?
    It took me years to write, will you take a look?
    It's based on a novel by a man named Lear
    And I need a job, so I want to be a paperback writer,
    Paperback writer.

    It's the dirty story of a dirty man
    And his clinging wife doesn't understand.
    The son (The Sun) is working for the Daily Mail,
    It's a steady job but he wants to be a paperback writer,
    Paperback writer.

    Paperback writer (paperback writer)

    It's a thousand pages, give or take a few,
    I'll be writing more in a week or two.
    I can make it longer if you like the style,
    I can change it round and I want to be a paperback writer,
    Paperback writer.

    If you really like it you can have the rights,
    It could make a million for you overnight.
    If you must return it, you can send it here
    But I need a break and I want to be a paperback writer,
    Paperback writer.

    Reply
  6. Matt Borgard says

    August 25, 2011 at 2:37 pm

    Fantastic!

    Also, thanks for posting the lyrics, Steve. I totally didn't catch the "son/Sun" reference until just now.

    Reply
  7. Cathy Yardley says

    August 25, 2011 at 3:13 pm

    SO going to have this song in my head all day. 🙂

    Reply
  8. Sarah McCabe says

    August 25, 2011 at 3:25 pm

    Isn't it far more likely that the agent just wouldn't respond at all?

    Reply
  9. Jen says

    August 25, 2011 at 3:27 pm

    Hilarious! Thanks for the laugh!

    Reply
  10. Anne-Marie says

    August 25, 2011 at 3:43 pm

    Hilarious post!

    It took me years to figure out that the backing vocals are singing the old French children's song "Frere Jacques".

    Reply
  11. Maureen says

    August 25, 2011 at 4:01 pm

    Fun post! I never paid close attention to the lyrics before — puts them in a whole new light. I'll be humming this tune all day.

    Reply
  12. Kevin Lynn Helmick says

    August 25, 2011 at 6:08 pm

    Two years ago for Christmas, my wife bought me "A Hard Days Write" The stories behind every Beatles song. Great book! Paul had been challenged by one of his Aunts to write a song that wasn't about love. He looked around and Ringo was reading a book. he said, "I'm gonna write a song about a book. Much of the lryic was taken directly from a letter that Paul received from a fan/aspireing novelist. The man named Lear, was probably Edward Lear, a painter and poet that John liked to read. Like most of their songs the lyrics are driven by the sound of the words, and not the logic of them.
    "Literally, it's about a writer who has composed a book based on novel about a paperback writer. In other words, it's a novel based on a novel about a man writing a novel-which in turn presumably based on a novel about a man writing a novel."
    And that's nothing short of brilliant.
    Brilliant piece of writing by Paul, brilliant song, one of my favorites since I was old enough to walk.
    Fun post-as far as the agents response? lol, sounds like a typical agent; missed the point entirely. lol

    Reply
  13. jongibbs says

    August 25, 2011 at 6:32 pm

    Thank you for the kind words, everyone, and a special thank you to you, Nathan. It's an honor to see my post appear on your blog 🙂

    Reply
  14. Stephsco says

    August 25, 2011 at 7:10 pm

    This cracked me up! The Beatles used a lot of nonsense lyrics, so no surprise there's vagueness and cliches here. Big no-nos for queries!

    Reply
  15. Kitty Bucholtz says

    August 25, 2011 at 10:42 pm

    LOL!!! When I started reading the first section, I went to iTunes and played my copy of this song while I read the rest of the post. Even funnier to have it playing while I'm reading! LOL! Thanks for the fun! 🙂

    Reply
  16. Kristin Laughtin says

    August 25, 2011 at 11:19 pm

    Three things:

    1) I would read the heck out of DRACULA VS. THE DALEKS.

    2) "Paperback Writer", as silly as it is, is going to be my jam when it comes time for me to query.

    3) The cat on your cover looks like mine and therefore I am intrigued, though I am not a 10- to 12-year-old boy.

    Seriously, though, very entertaining post.

    Reply
  17. tanyagrove says

    August 25, 2011 at 11:51 pm

    Years ago my husband worked for Mercury House in San Francisco, and they actually received the lyrics of this song typed out (yes, typed—it was a long time ago) in query letter form. They figured it was a prank pulled by a friend of someone who worked there, but it made for a fun day at work.

    Reply
  18. Regge Ridgway says

    August 26, 2011 at 12:45 am

    OMG. Jon. You are famous.. great blog post about rejection letters. Most of mine have been rather impersonal but polite. That one is a hoot.

    Reply
  19. A Paperback Writer says

    August 26, 2011 at 12:48 am

    Well, I, for one, am most certainly entertained by this post.
    😉

    Reply
  20. wendy says

    August 26, 2011 at 7:05 am

    Many ha, ha, ha's. And brilliant post, John! The lyrics of the song are clever, too. I always assumed Paperback Writer was written by John Lennon because he did publish 2 paperback books. A Spaniard In the Works was one. Perhaps Paul was having fun at John's expense? *g*

    Reply
  21. jongibbs says

    August 26, 2011 at 9:38 am

    Again, thank you everyone for the kind words. As Mr. D. said in his comment, it's a great song. I had a lot of fun writing about it.

    Kristin, if I ever do write Dracula vs. the Daleks, you'll be the first to know, then I'm sending it to the SyFy channel 🙂

    Reply
  22. dadwhowrites says

    August 26, 2011 at 12:26 pm

    That was genuinely funny! Next, the elevator pitch from Sympathy for the Devil?

    Reply
  23. Neil Larkins says

    August 26, 2011 at 2:33 pm

    Treating the song like a serious query was seriously funny! And educational. Looking forward to someone taking on the Sympathy for the Devil critique.

    Reply
  24. jongibbs says

    August 26, 2011 at 9:04 pm

    If it's an elevator pitch, it would have to be to the tune of The Girl From Ipanema 🙂

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Primary Sidebar

About Nathan

Hi, I’m Nathan. I’m the author of How to Write a Novel and the Jacob Wonderbar series, which was published by Penguin. I used to be a literary agent at Curtis Brown Ltd. and I’m dedicated to helping authors achieve their dreams. Let me help you with your book!

My blog has everything you need to know to write, edit, and publish a book. Can’t find what you need or want personalized help? Reach out.

Learn more about me

Need Editing?

I'm available for consultations, edits, query critiques, brainstorming, and more.
Learn more!

My Books

How to Write A Novel
Cover of How to Publish a Book by Nathan Bransford
Jacob Wonderbar and the Cosmic Space Kapo
Jacob Wonderbar for President of the Universe
Jacob Wonderbar and the Interstellar Time Warp

Forums

Need help with your query? Want to talk books? Check out the Nathan Bransford Forums
Footer Logo
Nathan Bransford

Helping authors achieve their dreams

  • Editing Services
  • My Books
  • About Me
  • Blog Directory
  • Contact
  • Privacy Policy
Twitter Logo Facebook Logo Instagram Logo
As an Amazon and Bookshop Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. Amazon and Bookshop links are usually affiliate links.
Take your writing to the next level!

Get a free course on writing and selling the book of your dreams.

Sign up for a free publishing course!

Subscribe to the newsletter for free classes on writing craft, industry tips, and more.

Get secrets from an insider!

Sign up for the newsletter for tips on advanced writing craft, querying, marketing, and more.