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Rejection Is Not Personal

June 6, 2011 by Nathan Bransford 102 Comments

It feels personal.

It’s almost impossible not to take it personally. 

But it’s not personal.

This is one of those posts where I’m blogging about something that everyone knows, but knowing it doesn’t make it easier to behave accordingly. It’s one thing to know it, it’s another thing to live it.

We all know rejection is not really personal. It’s not. How could it be, the people rejecting you don’t even know you? Agents and editors and reviewers are just doing their jobs, why should we get so angry at them for not seeing what we see in our own work?

And yet knowing that only makes dealing with rejection just a little tiny, measly bit easier.

There is still so much vitriol out there on the Internet for so-called “legacy” publishers and agents and the traditional publishing industry, and let’s be honest, a lot of that is ill will generated by all those queries and manuscripts that were rejected or went unanswered.

But look – I’ve been there! I received those rejections, I’ve felt those pains. It’s perfectly normal to get mad. And that anger can lead to some great productivity. It makes you want to show the doubters and to keep getting better.

Just don’t let that anger be permanent. Channel it into creating something positive instead of letting it fester into a perpetual sneer.

We all know this. So let’s all try harder to put it into practice.

How do you channel your rejection frustration?

Filed Under: The Writing Life Tagged With: Life of a Writer

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. C.Smith says

    June 6, 2011 at 7:54 pm

    I've never been rejected, which might make me the odd one out in the pile, because I've never submitted my work to a publisher or agent.

    I have been prepping myself for rejection for the past couple of years, though. It all comes down to the mindset you have. Rejection sucks. But wouldn't you rather want an agent that will represent your book WELL and who will love your characters as much as you do? You'd want someone who believes in the story as much as you do, someone who sees that something special that your MS has and finds it worthwhile. Not everyone is going to like what you have to put out, and not everyone is going to 'get' it. If you keep getting rejection letters, it's not necessarily because your story isn't profitable but because you haven't found The Rep. Or that's how I'm planning on looking at it.

    Reply
  2. Anonymous says

    June 6, 2011 at 7:57 pm

    In my world it's the rejectionist being rejected!

    Reply
  3. Melissa says

    June 6, 2011 at 8:03 pm

    I haven’t queried agents that much – in fact I’ve stopped, as my direction has changed entirely (and no, I’m not self-publishing) – but my thoughts are that getting angry/upset about a rejection is sort of like getting bent out of shape because you didn’t win the lotto. From a very objective standpoint, agents are looking for high-concept books that will sell a LOT. If you have a quiet book or a book that appeals only to a certain segment of the market, you’re at a disadvantage. The feedback that I got from my partials was extremely positive, but the main problem that agents seemed to have was that there isn’t a big enough market for it. Believe it or not, I consider this a compliment. ☺

    Reply
  4. Marsha Sigman says

    June 6, 2011 at 8:07 pm

    I bought one of those little lap dogs and carry it around in a big purse so when I get a rejection letter I have something to kick.

    Ok, I'm lying but I didn't have anything good to say except…I don't give up. Resistance just make me work harder.

    Reply
  5. Stephsco says

    June 6, 2011 at 8:49 pm

    I'm looking forward to my first rejection – really! I'll consider it a badge of honor in defeating the slush pile. Then, I'll probably get depressed as more of them come in. I'll look to this column for advice 🙂

    Reply
  6. Fred says

    June 6, 2011 at 9:18 pm

    I've been reading encyclopedias of vitriol toward agents and traditional publishers over on Kindle Boards by the self-pub people who've been snubbed repeatedly. I'd suggest to channel the pain and anger that comes from rejection into improving one's writing, but I'm scared they'll hurt me.

    That said, I think it's great that the people who've been rejected have a place to go to display their efforts. Maybe they won't make a whole lot, but at least their years of effort won't be trunked and never see the light of day. As long as customers can return the product for their money back, it seems like a win-win.

    Reply
  7. Lissa says

    June 6, 2011 at 9:25 pm

    I got my first two rejections today, and I'm not taking it personally at all. I already knew my debut novel might not get picked by an agent, because it's not a traditional "One day a normal person meets someone extraordinary and their life changes forever and they have a few conflicts and massive climax" type book. I'm still very attached to it, but I've already made my peace that I will either get a lot of rejections before I find an agent, or I won't find an agent at all and self-publish. I'm cool with that.

    Reply
  8. Bron says

    June 6, 2011 at 9:40 pm

    I've found the whole process highly impersonal so far, and that's what's bugging me. I don't whether my query is rubbish, whether it's my pages or whether agents don't like the concept. Or maybe it's the whole kit and caboodle.

    Sigh. It's always nice to hear about people's success though, gives the rest of us hope! Congratulations Mr D, and I second whoever said to come back and remind us about your book when it's coming out.

    Reply
  9. ARJules says

    June 6, 2011 at 9:59 pm

    Like Robyn, One word: Margarita.

    Or rather 10 words:
    Margarita. Margarita. Margarita. Margarita. Margarita. Margarita. Margarita. Margarita. Margarita. Margarita.

    Then you feel no pain! Just call me Hemingway. But without his writing talent. HA!

    Reply
  10. The Pen and Ink Blog says

    June 6, 2011 at 10:19 pm

    I'm an actor. I've been taught that the correct though on receiving rejection is "Next!"
    This works most of the time. Follow Buss Lightyear's advice https://thepenandinkblog.blogspot.com/2011/06/buzz-and-me.html

    Reply
  11. ElaineCharton says

    June 6, 2011 at 10:23 pm

    I allow myself 24 hours for a pity party and all the chocolate I need. I've been doing this long enough now that the pity party is sometimes only 12 hrs. 🙂
    I file the rejection in a folder and put it in another room. Then it's on to bigger and better things.

    Reply
  12. Ray Anderson says

    June 6, 2011 at 10:25 pm

    I can handle rejection. What bugs me is the lack of communication. I read somewhere that the worst thing you can do to someone is to ignore him/her. I agree.

    Reply
  13. amber polo says

    June 6, 2011 at 10:33 pm

    I wonder if agents and publishers are cynical because so many not-ready ms are queried and submitted?
    That said, the "if you've not heard in x weeks, we are not interested" is just un-businesslike.

    Reply
  14. Liz Alexander says

    June 6, 2011 at 10:38 pm

    What a timely topic, Nathan. The rejection I experienced this week was not from an agent or publisher, but a particularly unpleasant Amazon reviewer who awarded my ebook Birth Your Book my first-ever 1 star rating. Apparently, in her eyes at least, there was absolutely nothing to commend this work, although she hasn't yet taken me up on my offer of refunding the $2.99 🙂

    We're all human and it took a while for my stomach to lurch back up from under the soles of my feet. Steven Pressfield's The War of Art just happened to be lying on the table so I flipped it open and read:

    "The professional cannot allow the actions of others to define his reality. Tomorrow morning the critic will be gone, but the writer will still be there facing the blank page. Nothing matters but that he keep working."

    Good advice, huh? So I went to my blog and posted what I hope will be an inspiring perspective on how to handle the nastiness that all too often permeates the web — in blog posts and reviews. Every experience is an opportunity to learn and grow. As writers — at least "professionals," according to Pressfield — we just get back in the saddle and continue on our journey.

    Reply
  15. brianw says

    June 6, 2011 at 10:45 pm

    The first couple of times you get rejected hurt, but if you take it the right way (my book, query, etc. need work) then it can help in the end. But it still sucks. Doesn't everyone want to be the person who gets a yes on query number one, gets a contract with a big publisher, and makes millions of dollars in the first year? Sigh.

    It helps me to remember, 500 agents can say no, but you only need one person to say yes. It happened for me. It can happen for you too.

    Reply
  16. Mr. D says

    June 6, 2011 at 10:46 pm

    Thank you, Bron. Will do.

    Reply
  17. MJR says

    June 6, 2011 at 11:24 pm

    The new rejection seems to be silence. I sorta understand it because agents are overwhelmed by queries, but it feels strange, especially after receiving enthusiastic letters requesting a partial. I just plug on. Keeping lists helps, ie I say, "okay crossed that one off, time to query that one." Stiff upper lip and all that…

    Reply
  18. Bridget says

    June 6, 2011 at 11:39 pm

    My day job is in advertising so I "get" rejection. I take what I can from it and move on. And frankly, I see getting a response at all as a bonus as far as the publishing world is concerned.

    However, I did just receive a rejection letter from an editor (conference attendee!) who took two years to respond. When it came in the mail I didn't even know who the h**l it was from it… had been that long. While it was nice to get her valid comments I didn't know what to really make of it. Surely most people's manuscripts change quite a bit in TWO years. What if it had already been picked up?

    Weird.

    Reply
  19. wry wryter says

    June 6, 2011 at 11:48 pm

    Rocky Road Ice Cream.
    It's flavor and texture are soothing, it's name says it all.
    Yum.

    Reply
  20. Jan Cline says

    June 7, 2011 at 12:14 am

    Im not as phased by rejection as I used to be. But I do keep handy all the positive notes Ive received to read when Im down.

    It really isn't personal!
    Jan Cline
    http://www.jancline.net
    http://www.inlandnwchristianwriters.com

    Reply
  21. Wendy S says

    June 7, 2011 at 12:20 am

    Honestly, one of the best "it's not personal" exercises I've ever participated in was your "pick five queries" contest a few years back. It was so overwhelming to read that many queries and narrow it down to five. It wasn't personal – it came down to taste and commercial appeal and a thousand other little details.

    Reply
  22. Milo James Fowler says

    June 7, 2011 at 12:26 am

    Here's an option I haven't tried — yet. Turn your rejection letters into toilet paper.

    Reply
  23. Anonymous says

    June 7, 2011 at 12:38 am

    How to you make the best of it when all they say is"
    "Thanks for sending along the pages of your manuscript, The First. Truth be told, though, I'm afraid these pages just didn't draw me in as much as I had hoped. I'm pressed for time these days and, what with my reservations about the project, I suspect I wouldn't be the best fit. Thanks so much for contacting me and for giving me this opportunity. It's much appreciated, and I'm sorry to be passing. I wish you the very best of luck in your search for representation.

    Best,

    I know there is a way to deal with it, but I dont even know what she didn't like about it.

    Reply
  24. msantana182 says

    June 7, 2011 at 12:47 am

    Well, there you go I left the title in the letter. I am having an idiot moment.

    Reply
  25. Rick Daley says

    June 7, 2011 at 1:01 am

    Just keep writing…then move on to the next book / agent / publisher.

    Kind of like Dori says in FINDING NEMO, but with writing instead of swimming.

    WORD VERIFICATION: raffl. What the query / publishing process feels like sometime…you just need to have the lucky ticket.

    Reply
  26. J. T. Shea says

    June 7, 2011 at 1:03 am

    Congratulations, Mr. D.! Chris Phillips, literary agent voodoo doll? Brilliant!

    But of course rejection is personal! It's all part of the vast global conspiracy against J. T. Shea!

    Oh wait…I haven't actually queried yet. But when I do, and they reject me, THEN it will all be part of the vast global conspiracy against J. T. Shea!

    BTW, Nathan, who rejected JACOB WONDERBAR? And do they own racehorses with their heads intact? Just give me their initials and I'll take it from there. MMMWWWAAAHHHAAAHHHAAA!

    Reply
  27. Mira says

    June 7, 2011 at 1:54 am

    First, congratulations to Mr.D. (yay!) and Emily White (yay, too!) for their publishing success. I wish them all the best for their future careers.

    I agree that rejection is very difficult to cope with – very true Nathan. I don't really get angry about it, I either shrug it off if it really doesn't matter to me, or I get extremely depressed and dive into a terrible cycle of self-doubt for months or even years. I really don't handle rejection well at all. I cry. Ice cream is involved. It's not pretty.

    On the other hand, I can't speak for other people, but I don't feel ill will against publishers for my three rejection letters. I actually agree with two of them, and the third one – from you, Nathan – I am very relieved it wasn't accepted. I wasn't ready to write that book yet, and it's really a good thing that you turned it down.

    On the other hand, there are other extremely important reasons why I feel intense dislike of the publishing industry. And when I say intense, I mean virilant to the point of wanting to tear it down with my bare hands.

    Not the people inside it. But the industry itself.

    But the title of this post wasn't: tell me why you want to destroy the publishing industry with your bare hands, so I'll stop here.

    Dealing with rejection, however, either from publishers or readers is a very valuable topic. It's one I wish I handled better, without all the depression, self-doubt and ice cream.

    Reply
  28. Roslyn Rice says

    June 7, 2011 at 1:54 am

    Cold Stone Ice Cream and then a 2 mile run!

    Reply
  29. Alex says

    June 7, 2011 at 2:01 am

    Hey thought I'd let everyone know we at Boxing With Pencils are having a weekly 100 words or less flash fiction contest with a cash prize of 5 dollars.

    So come on and check it out all you poor ass writers you know you need the money!

    https://boxingwithpencils.com/5-dollah-make-you-holla/

    Reply
  30. Mira says

    June 7, 2011 at 3:05 am

    Of course, before I destroyed it, I'd try to rehabilitate it. Reform it. Transform it.

    That would work, too.

    Reply
  31. D. Michael Olive says

    June 7, 2011 at 3:23 am

    I take it with a grain of salt…then I print out the agent's picture and pin it to a dart board for a day or so and massacre him/her.

    Reply
  32. Mr. D says

    June 7, 2011 at 4:16 am

    Thank you, J.T. and thank you, Mira. I'm very taken by your kindness.

    And…

    …Congrats to you, Emily.

    Reply
  33. Bryce Daniels says

    June 7, 2011 at 4:17 am

    When I get to that point, all I do is sit back, grab a drink, and remember my very first sales job. Door-to-door supplemental insurance policies.

    I was naive and didn't know any better. The team leader would stand with us at one end of the street, point to the other end, and say, "Every house, and don't forget the Pizza Hut and the gas station. You knock on EVERY door and sell what you can."

    Wanna talk rejection? I learned how to take "no" in a JIFFY. Plus, I got some neat scuff marks on my nose from doors slamming in my face.

    But I learned something else that has proved invaluable not only in my writing, but in life. There's always the next house, the next day, the next reward.

    Reply
  34. The Red Angel says

    June 7, 2011 at 4:32 am

    I tend to be a pretty sensitive person so when it comes to rejections it's hard for me to not take it too personally. They blow my self-esteem a bit and make me feel pretty blah for a while, but eventually I get over them. It helps to constantly tell myself that the one acceptance that is to come will ultimately be worth all the rejections from before. 🙂

    ~TRA

    https://xtheredangelx.blogspot.com

    Reply
  35. Marilyn Peake says

    June 7, 2011 at 10:47 am

    Yeah, it’s not personal. What do I do? Seriously, there are so many options for writers out there right now, I turn to a variety of them, and fall in love with writing over and over again with each option I try. I took my indie-published books that seemed priced too high to sell in today’s market when my publishing contracts expired, and self-published them, and soon after received a movie offer. I turned down the movie offer for reasons I’m not at liberty to discuss, and am currently in discussion with the same company about a possible TV series to include some of my short stories on the SyFy channel. I’ve also been referred to an agent in Hollywood who reads manuscripts only by referral, and he’s left his door open to me to send him everything I write. He likes my writing, but only takes on projects he knows he can turn into movies. All of this makes me very, very happy.

    As far as vitriol goes, that seems, sadly, to be a part of our culture right now. I’ve seen authors who have agents and who have been lucky enough to be published by the Big Six publishers mock self-published authors something terrible online. What’s up with that, anyway?

    Reply
  36. Buffy Andrews says

    June 7, 2011 at 11:26 am

    I do shots. (Smiles)

    Reply
  37. Fred says

    June 7, 2011 at 12:31 pm

    @ anonymous

    In your comment above, you state that the agent didn't indicate what she didn't like about what you submitted, but I contend that when she said "it didn't draw me in", that IS the reason. There's no way to expand on a statement like that. An agent can't tell you what it would take to make that story draw her in, because then she'd become the writer.

    Luckily, "it didn't draw me in" is so subjective, that there may be another agent out there that will be drawn in.

    Fred

    Reply
  38. Isabella Amaris says

    June 7, 2011 at 12:36 pm

    I enter into ice-cream and TV mode while denying I ever received a rejection. Then, I admit I was rejected and work furiously on my writing to make it better than ever so that such rejection will never happen again lol.

    When I realise that's pretty impossible, I consider self-publishing, but self-publish only niche titles while hoping that the big stuff will find a zillion dollars traditional publishing deal at some point:)

    Finally, I remind myself that I'm in a business, and that in business, even when it's personal, it's really not. What's personal is the individual taste and business acumen of the agent I'm querying/reader who's reviewing. What's personal is how much I want my writing to be published and loved. What isn't personal is that a stranger's literary taste and my writing style may not be on the same page at all for a million different reasons, most of which are out of anyone's control:)

    Onward!

    Reply
  39. K.L. Brady says

    June 7, 2011 at 12:49 pm

    Voodoo dolls and grey goose.

    (by the way, my 10 year old son picked Jacob Wonderbar over Making of the Diary of a Wimpy Kid Movie book for his literary treat this weekend. Major score!)

    Reply
  40. Beth says

    June 7, 2011 at 1:34 pm

    Rejection may not be personal, but my reaction to it is. The intimacy (as Fr. Scott Seethaler says, intimacy is "in to me see") of writing is what makes it so. To me, the editor/agent rejected my heart on paper. That hurts. How do I deal with it?
    1. Cry
    2. Vent
    3. Recharge
    4. Write Something New
    More on my blog this week!

    https://betharnstein.wordpress.com/

    Reply
  41. Richard says

    June 7, 2011 at 1:54 pm

    Writing contest…..My blog Amish Stories is having its first ever contest this week. The First prize winner will win 2 tickets to tour the farm where the 1985 move "Witness" staring Harrison Ford and Kelly Mcgillis was made in Strasburg,Pa . This farm is now Amish owned, and the family has given permission for folks to tour their farm. This may be the last time anyone will be able to walk and see the same things that Harrison Ford and the other actors saw during the making of "Witness". The Witness tour should last about 2.5 hours. In addition to the Witness farm tour tickets, 1st prize winner will also receive 2 tickets for Jacobs choice. There will also be a 2nd place prize, which will be 2 tickets for the Amish Homestead. Please go to My blog http://www.AmishStorys.com for contest details, and more information on the prizes. Richard from the Amish settlement of Lebanon county.

    Reply
  42. lora96 says

    June 7, 2011 at 3:11 pm

    I wallow.

    I didn't say it was a good or healthy coping strategy. But it's the truth.

    Perspective? Determination? Confidence? Nah.

    Reply
  43. THIS IS THE END says

    June 7, 2011 at 7:21 pm

    If you need a publisher or an agent to be content with writing, then you are 100% in the wrong hobby/industry.

    I feel like everyone has to agree to those terms when they start. But it still sucks being reminded of them.

    Reply
  44. Mira says

    June 7, 2011 at 7:27 pm

    Marilyn, that's very exciting news! Congratulations! 🙂

    Reply
  45. Simon Haynes says

    June 7, 2011 at 11:34 pm

    The current publisher for my Hal Spacejock novels just rejected the new junior science fiction series I've been working on. They said it needs to go to a bigger publisher.
    Rejection is rejection, but I've dug around for the positives and the words 'career reboot' come to mind.
    Now to find a bigger publisher willing to put out a new childrens' SF series in the current economic climate. (I always think they should put out more books when the economy is tanking. Cheap entertainment …)

    Reply
  46. Nancy Lauzon says

    June 8, 2011 at 11:19 pm

    I think of 2 things. 1) That many great authors have also been rejected, i.e. Stephen King and 2) that when a door closes, another one opens somewhere.

    Then I eat candy.

    Nancy
    https://nancylauzon.blogspot.com
    The Chick Dick Blog

    Reply
  47. Isabella Amaris says

    June 9, 2011 at 8:36 pm

    You know, I was just thinking… could the very personal reaction to rejection that most writers have (including me) be because we're artists, with the corresponding psychological traits that artists seem to have?

    I mean, yes, writers might also be logical and objective and all that jazz, but could they be feeling that extra-powerful punch to the gut when rejected because creative personalities in general tend to swing towards depression rather than joy?

    Don't really have data to support that as such, but I have observed depression coming up in the biographies of great writers and artists, and see it everyday in friends who are similarly creative. For those of us wired that way, it's probably not gonna be possible to detach ourselves from the supposedly impersonal circumstances of rejection when our psychological make-up predisposes us to depression and anxiety.

    Just wondering… Oh, and sorry if this was already mentioned in the previous posts and I missed it:)

    Reply
  48. Isabella Amaris says

    June 9, 2011 at 8:39 pm

    oops previous 'comments', I meant to say, not previous 'posts'… sheesh…

    Reply
  49. Patricia J. Esposito says

    June 11, 2011 at 1:20 am

    I've found it helps to have yet another market or publisher in mind as I'm submitting to the first. If I get a rejection, I know that I already had an idea for the next attempt. And I don't hold onto it too long. It's best to get things right out again.

    (Of course, at a certain point, or if I get feedback with ideas for change, I'll consider revisions … but for me, it's key to keep moving forward.)

    Reply
  50. Dave Clark says

    June 11, 2011 at 3:42 pm

    Every rejection should prompt you to say, "I'll show them," then make you revise the query and attack your manuscript with new eyes. I've been querying for a few years, and I'm amazed at how much better my queries and manuscript are, even from just a few months back. Although I'm a published nonfiction author who went through that whole process and did the author appearance thing, this idea of getting an agent is new to me, so don't think the process puts you down just because you're starting out. I was published due to a single sentence in a new Yorker article, which was luck. I can't do anything about luck or my lack of it, but I can definitely do something about my professionalism and dogged effort, or lack of that.

    Reply
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Hi, I’m Nathan. I’m the author of How to Write a Novel and the Jacob Wonderbar series, which was published by Penguin. I used to be a literary agent at Curtis Brown Ltd. and I’m dedicated to helping authors achieve their dreams. Let me help you with your book!

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