It feels personal.
It’s almost impossible not to take it personally.
But it’s not personal.
This is one of those posts where I’m blogging about something that everyone knows, but knowing it doesn’t make it easier to behave accordingly. It’s one thing to know it, it’s another thing to live it.
We all know rejection is not really personal. It’s not. How could it be, the people rejecting you don’t even know you? Agents and editors and reviewers are just doing their jobs, why should we get so angry at them for not seeing what we see in our own work?
And yet knowing that only makes dealing with rejection just a little tiny, measly bit easier.
There is still so much vitriol out there on the Internet for so-called “legacy” publishers and agents and the traditional publishing industry, and let’s be honest, a lot of that is ill will generated by all those queries and manuscripts that were rejected or went unanswered.
But look – I’ve been there! I received those rejections, I’ve felt those pains. It’s perfectly normal to get mad. And that anger can lead to some great productivity. It makes you want to show the doubters and to keep getting better.
Just don’t let that anger be permanent. Channel it into creating something positive instead of letting it fester into a perpetual sneer.
We all know this. So let’s all try harder to put it into practice.
How do you channel your rejection frustration?
Danielle Spears says
I tuck the rejection e-mail in a file and try to forget about it. I focus my attention on something else. It's difficult to do, but it's the only way I can get past it. I allow myself time to sulk, but not much time. I am like you in that it's just fuel to make me want to work harder.
RobynBradley says
One word: chocolate.
Teralyn Rose Pilgrim says
So far, I've only had my queries and first chapters rejected. It's easy for me to brush it off and say, "The book is still good, but those chapters need to be cut, or the query needs to be rewritten." The first time someone rejects my entire manuscript… I can't imagine how difficult that's going to be.
Loree Huebner says
I let the sting of the rejection hang around for no more than a few hours or a day. I feel it and deal with it. Then I take a deep breath and move forward…never back.
Maybe some chocolate is involved like Robyn mentioned above.
I have saved every rejection letter. I do look for clues on what may have been problem…if offered some explaination, I try to learn from it.
Istvan Szabo, Ifj. says
I'm capable to understand and accept professional rejections, but I can't accept and won't tolerate "if we won't respond within 6 month, it's a reject" policies. I also don't like when from the response I do know the agent never read the query, just sent a rejection letter, because it's fun. Unfortunately many agents are highly unprofessional.
Mr. D says
Fortunately, I don't have to deal with rejection anymore. Just signed a contract last week!. Whoohoo!
Ted Fox says
I used to tape printed-out copies of each rejection on the back of a door in our guest bedroom.
I'm sure visiting family/friends thought that was real normal.
Rachel McClellan says
It's amazing how quick you get used to rejections, at least on query letters. Rejections on fulls still hurt, but when you're getting those that means your close!
Hektor Karl says
Find a scapegoat on my fantasy baseball team and bench him for being bad luck.
Surprisingly, I no longer win my fantasy league crowns.
Jude says
I always loved Dan Saffer's approach of filing rejection letters in a file folder labelled "Bastards."
Joanne Bischof says
Rejection hurts. It stings and its just no fun. But over time has given me the opportunity to make my writing better and for that I'm grateful for the no's on writings that just wern't ready.
Leesa Freeman says
I am looking for representation for my first novel and at first the rejection letters really knocked the wind out of my sails, but then I got kind of zen about it. My novel is my baby and for months I nurtured it, fed it, loved it, helped it to grow and now that it is done, it's time to send it out into the world and let it thrive. Let it live. Rejection letters are simply contractions, yeah they hurt for a moment but they are simply part of giving birth. So I breathe through them because one letter will be the big one, and that's when I'll push.
Rebecca Kiel says
When my first round of rejections started coming in, I cried for about three minutes then hammered out a better query letter. When the next round of rejections came in, I bypassed crying and attacked my query letter again. After letting that letter sit for a week, I worked on it more. The next round brought nibbles and feedback from generous agents. I didn't get angry at the agents who said " it's not for us", I just went back to work. That struggle, resulted in a more effective query and eventual contact with agents.
Edward Drake says
Rejection is one of the worst aspects of life, but is very much a part of life that we must overcome. It can be heartbreaking when something you have built and developed from scratch over months of hard work is simply rejected.
Don't be deterred though as this is just the viewpoint of one person and others may take a greater interest in your work.
The worst part is that in most cases you will not be given clear reasons why the work was rejected.
It is a necessary evil, but one that can be overcome. As I always do with bad news of that level, give myself a minute to indulge in the bitter feeling of failure and despair, then afterwards banish those thoughts and look to prove the doubters wrong by making that manuscript the best thing that has ever graced a page of A4. It is the only way I know how to take a positive out of something that offers no helpful advice on how to progress. As you said, make it the fuel to work harder.
Lexi says
How did I cope with rejection? I self-published. Worked for me :o)
Trudy Zufelt says
I've had enough rejections now that I don't have a response. It's more like a numbness. I think I'd be so shocked with a positive response that I wouldn't know how to reply.
Carrie Filetti says
I pushed on. It was hard when I got those rejections but I believed in my story. I knew if one agent would just take the moment & read it, they'd love it. I also had a large support group (my carefully picked readers), when times came that I was going to give up, they wouldn't let me. They believed in my writing. I worked and reworked my query. I wrote another book. I never stopped writing. Because of that, I got better. In a few rejections some agents gave me hope with their encouragement and suggestions. Some I even asked where I failed them, some took the time & helped me along. I listened. It took me almost 5 years to find my agent, most give up in that time but if you want it to work, you can't give up. You have to believe and you have to work hard.
Carrie Filetti says
Oh…& I forgot to add, Nathan rejected my story but he did encourage me. Now look, he's my friend. 🙂
Watcher55 says
Oh huh, I know for certain that the agents and editors Google me everyday, and have agreed not to even answer queries (it's been two whole weeks (tomorrow)).
I use hyperbole, then I sing the "goat song"
"…ooops there goes another rubber tree…"
Anonymous says
This is what I remember:
The Kite Runner was rejected 30 times.
Water for Elephants, 129.
It can't be personal, because those are some kick-ass books and collectively 159 agents said no.
Anonymous says
I always found it easy to get through agent/publisher rejection…after enough time you understand it isn't personal. But it takes time.
The thing I have trouble getting over is the vitriol with book reviews. I even get upset for other authors. I wonder how some of these horrible people who write these reviewers get through life. It must really suck being them.
JES says
I try to think of a rejection as the response of any other reader I don't know. The only difference is that I happen to know this stranger's name. But it'd be crazy to get bent out of shape because someone doesn't "get" the work: does anyone honestly expect every reader will respond with equal enthusiasm?
(If anything, narrowing the sample audience to "people who read all day" should reap an even higher rejection rate!)
Sierra McConnell says
I haven't gotten that far, I have too much fun writing the books and I don't know if I'm mentally capable of accepting rejection yet, but when I do, I'll have to remember this:
These are the same people who published /those/ books.
These are the same people who rejected the books mentioned above and others.
These are the same people who published books that carry gems like I read last night. (The darkness in the room was so dark he dispelled the darkness to the corners by turning on a lightbulb.) Really? Really now?
So it can't carry that much weight to be rejected. It just means the right one hasn't come along yet.
Emily White says
Luckily, I don't have to worry about that right now (just signed with a publishing company! Yay!), but when I was going through it, I'd read the rejection, then delete and move on. If I'd kept them, I would have read them over and over again and never gotten over it.
D.G. Hudson says
No one likes rejection, but if it spurs us into action, we can benefit from it.
(BTW, didn't Elvis made a mint off the perpetual sneer, early in his career?)
It's not us, Nathan, it's our EGO that makes us take it personally. Rejection always brings out my stubborn nature (in a good way, I think).
Take time to let the sting of rejection abate, then read the info with an eye to improvement. What else can we do but prove all the naysayers wrong?
Chris Phillips says
I have a literary agent voodoo doll. I start out by being really friendly to it, tell it why I decided to pitch to it, then I go into my brilliant pitch. When it doesn't answer I karate chop it in the face! Really helps get out some emotions.
Melanie says
rejection sucks. period. it doesn't make me angry, it makes me sad. it hurts and it's hard not to take it personal because they are rejecting something that is a direct reflection of me and my hard work and something i've poured my heart and countless hours into. friends in the biz tell me to revenge query so i do, but the Rs have continued to trickle in. I've been told by people in the biz that i trust that i have a strong query letter and i've had 8 beta readers (some who are agented) who have told me i have a well written, unique story, but alas, no agent has yet to request a full. i've had two partials which have both been R'd with no feedback and all Rs have been form so it's hard to know what is wrong or not working. that to me is the most frustrating part, not knowing why it's being rejected. Some say it could be the genre and it seems that a lot of this biz has to do with timing and what agents/editors/publishers are interested in ATM.
So, to deal with the frustration, i'm revenge writing and pouring my heart and time into another story and hoping that maybe my next novel will be "the one."
Sean Thomas Fisher says
I channel my rejection into crafting homemade attraction spells. And I'm proud to say, so far – not so good.
Anonymous says
rejections in and of themselves may not be personal but let's face it, sometimes the attitude of the agent making the rejection, as reflected in their unkind phrasing and lack of attention to the actual work, makes it hard to remain detached.
Zeta says
I do two things: 1) Write FOAD (F' Off And Die) across the rejection in massive crimson letters and post it on the back of a door, which takes care of my petty need to say "Bah, you don't bother me — I exile you to the back of a door!" 2) After the mandatory 24-hour cooling-off period used for both rejections and editorial suggestions, I analyse the letter to see what I could do differently next time, which takes care of the real business.
David Gaughran says
I think short story writers have it easier here than novelists, for a number of reasons.
#1 Top, best-selling short story writers get rejected all the time. The editor rarely looks at the name, he only judges the story in front of him. Nothing else really comes into it. Even the guys at the top of their game get rejected all the time. Short story writers know this, and take comfort in it.
#2 We don't get as attached to one work. If you are pumping out a story every week or month, you often send it off and forget about it while you are working on the next. Rejection or acceptance comes as a surprise, because you have half-forgotten about it.
#3 Because of #1 & #2 we realise that it's the story getting rejected, not the writer. This makes rejection a lot easier to handle, because it takes the personal out of it. Instead you think maybe the story needs work, or maybe I sent it to the wrong editor. You don't think, "oh man I can't write, what am I doing!"
I think for a novelist, especially if you are not a fast writer, and you are only producing a novel every year or two, it's easy to slip into the mindset that one rejection is a rejection of you, because you have so much invested in that one work. But they could learn a lot from short story writers.
Mo says
I can handle rejections when I'm also getting acceptances. But when all I get are rejections, it gets much, much harder. Yes, it does seem personal, because we identify so well with what we write and think and say. It's as personal as a slap in the face. But we have to realize that just as not everyone we meet in real life likes us, not everyone who reads our stuff gets us. So it IS personal, and if they don't encourage us to send more, then we have to move on from there.
Cynthia Lee says
I take a deep breath and remind myself that I have neither the time nor the energy to be angry.
It works, mostly.
Jenny Phresh says
Thanks for the reminder!
I fixed rejection's little red wagon by writing this:
https://thepartypony.blogspot.com/2011/03/rejection-hurts-now-theres.html
abc says
Congratulations, Mr. D!
Rejection makes me cry for about an hour and then I move on with my life. Although I'm a little bit more fragile, for sure.
I know it isn't personal, but it is painful.
tamarapaulin says
You know what phrase I hate the most? "If you have to ask, you can't afford it."
My second-most-hated phrase is "It's not personal."
I disagree. Rejection is personal. Telling someone it *isn't* is like cheering them up by saying other people have it worse.
Let's create some new mantras!
– Rejection, much like other noxious substances, can be used as fuel.
– Rejection … rearrange the letters and find "encore" and "rejoice" and "entice".
Mr. D says
Thank you abc, you're the first, (and only one so far,) who has congratulated me. And that includes my wife, who even now wishes I never got the writing bug! (I'll shout a few expletives for you!) Look for THE VASE in about a year from COGITO.
J.O Jones says
i got so many rejections that at a certain point i took it as a sign that i was actually getting somewhere.
J.O Jones says
i got so many rejections that at a certain point i took it as a sign that i was actually getting somewhere.
Barbara Watson says
So far, I'm safe. I've never queried. But the day is coming – both querying and rejection. Believing in what I write and improving what I write after rejection will be key. Knowing it happens to everyone makes the burn less too, I imagine.
Lisa Yarde says
When I first started querying, each rejection hurt. One made me laugh out loud because I couldn't believe an agent actually wrote about their personal prejudices and signed it. Later, I learned to accept them as part of the querying process. Not everyone will love your work. You just have to find one of the few that do.
AR says
I'm inexperienced: I just got my first rejection and loved it. It had usable information in it and I pasted it into a file. If I compile enough such information I'll know what to do to make my work salable. That's progress, and I think if you are serious, progress is all you require of yourself.
Also, why do we have to see it as rejection at all? Isn't that self-victimization? I try to see it as incomplete success. Or if that sounds like double talk, pardner, then let's say I see it as a step on the road from Never Done Nothin' to Been There Wrote That.
But who knows, maybe I will feel differently in a year.
This week I started work on three new projects and identified specific retooling goals for seven others. So that's what I do with that. 🙂
Oh by the way – it must be terribly frustrating having only one publishing goal. Then everything really would seem to hang on each query. I'm trying to pursue blogging success, traditional and self-publishing success, and magazine/journal success at the same time. So I'm a little less focused, but at the same time there's just not much room in here for despair. Good luck to everyone.
Matthew MacNish says
Umm, by starting a blog that changed my life. That's sounds like some kind of self-help nonsense, but it's actually true.
Also: alcohol.
Andrew Leon says
I also disagree, looks like I'm only the 2nd one so far. Rejection is personal. Saying it isn't is like the assassin showing up to kill you and saying, "It's not personal. It's just business." Just because the agent/editor/publisher has nothing against you, specifically, as an individual does not make it personal. And, if you don't take it as something personal, you can't use it. If it's not personal, there is no motivation to go on. To get past it. "It's not personal" is not something that's said to make the person being rejected feel better; it's something that the person doing the rejecting says to make himself/herself feel better. "It's not you; it's me."
D.G. Hudson says
Mr. D, I'll add my congratulations to you and anyone else who has signed on recently with an agent.
Good going! (didn't your sons congratulate you?) Remind us when your book is about to come out, like Nathan did. This is a supportive group.
BP says
Haha, would I be counted as totally weird if I store my rejections away like victory badges??? I do this in light of now wildly-successful authors who can count the exact number of (many) rejections they received. I dunno. It makes victory all the sweeter. AND when I'm not in the mood to act all cynical and "haha it was a winner, told you so"-like, I just stash them away, like: whatevs. It happens to the best!
Mr. D says
Thank you, too, D.G. (Just for the record, COGITO MEDIA GROUP is a Canadian publisher, and their subsidiary is TRANSIT PUBLISHING.) I am very thrilled to become one of their authors, because they've already published several best sellers.
And really, D.G. you're graciousness (and support) is very much appreciated. The next time I watch DUNE, I'll think of you!
Terri Tiffany says
By writing something new:)
Sheila Cull says
It makes me work harder too.
Nicole says
I put the rejection somewhere else (email folder or physical folder) so I don't have to look at it anymore.
Usually I just think, "Oh well" and keep on chugging. It takes a bunch of them before I finally crack. Then I just cry, get bummed for a day or hour or whatever, and the next day wake up fresh and keep going.