I have taken past page critique entrants to task (or at least have tried to gently steer them away) when there’s a high concept hook right up front in the beginning. Trying to cram the plot into the opening can sometimes feel unnatural.
But here’s the thing about this one: I think it works!
Now, personally I still think I’d try to find another way to tip off that she’s dead rather than coming out and saying the words “I’m still dead.” But I also realize that’s highly influenced by my own personal taste, and for the genre I think it’s okay as is. Honestly, as far as “Actually, I’m dead” openers (and I have seen a lot in my time as an agent and former agent), I think this one works very well.
Two main reasons:
1) There’s a reason the character is thinking about being dead at that precise moment
2) The hook is woven in with the tone and attitude of the rest of the page.
In other words, it feels natural.
I like this page because of the way the narrator experiences the emotions with a mixture of fondness and faintly oppressive routine. It builds such a strong feeling of loneliness.
Now, the character never comes out and says “I’m so lonely,” but when you add a character who either by choice or not is forced to watch a loved one day in day out, and who still cares enough about that person to make the best of it and see the good in the situation, it stirs up some strong emotions.
And that’s all accomplished through a series of observations and reactions.
No redline, I think it’s fine as it is. As mentioned I might try to find a new way of saying “I’m still dead,” and I’m not positive about the repetition of “All you have” in “Time is a funny thing to judge when it’s all you have. All you have, and yet you still tend to lose track of it.” but I don’t think a change is imperative.