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The Nine Stages of Dating a Novel

October 11, 2010 by Nathan Bransford 79 Comments

By: T.H. Mafi

LUST

there you are, just staring at your computer or eating your carnival corndog or spacing out in the middle of a conversation when it hits you. A SHINY NEW IDEA. it’s beautiful and original and nothing like the rest of them and for a perfect moment you can already see your future together. you know you have to have it before someone else does and your next move is going to be critical. luckily, enough people commented on your blog today that you’re feeling confident. extra-attractive. you decide to make it yours.

SQUEEEEEEEEEEE

everything is surreal. you can’t stop thinking about it no matter how hard you try and let’s be honest – you don’t really want to. you’re convinced that this time everything is going to be different. this is The One. the one that’s going to make agents cry over you, editors throw money at you, bestseller lists around the world make room for you at the top. maybe you have a title already? maybe you’ve even written a really excellent first paragraph? you don’t care. none of that matters. the only thing that really matters is Oprah is going off the air. she has no idea how much you were looking forward to that interview.

ANTICIPATION

things are still pretty good. you’ve told Facebook and Twitter and the only five friends you know in the real world that you’re writing a new book and people seem moderately interested which is already better than last time. you haven’t really started writing yet, but you will. in fact, you’ve already got the first chapter written! and the more you read it, the more you’re convinced you’ve never written anything quite as incredible. you can’t wait to dive into the story! SERIOUSLY. you can just feeeeeel how amazing this is going to be. maybe you should buy a new outfit to celebrate.

PROCRASTINATION

well! you’ve written a few chapters! but GOSH you are just so BUSY these days and the kids are so CRAZY and work is just HECTIC and you’ve discovered all these really awesome websites recently and it’s now become a “thing” of yours to refresh your email and update your Twitter and “Like” at least five things on Facebook before you open up that Word Document. but it’s not like you’re avoiding it or anything! it’s just — you’re having a bit of a rough patch! but you’ll work through it! you’ll figure out this plot twist! well, first you’ll figure out a plot but then! then things will work out! you just need to find a way to communicate your needs! relationships are ALL ABOUT DIALOGUE!

EXPLETIVE

WELL MAYBE IF YOU WEREN’T SO DAMN NEEDY I WOULD PAY MORE ATTENTION TO YOU! DID YOU EVER THINK OF THAT? DID YOU EVER THINK THAT MAYBE I HAVE TO PAY THE BILLS AROUND HERE AND MAYBE I CAN’T SPEND EVERY FREE MOMENT OF MY LIFE STROKING YOUR FREAKING EGO AND MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST WRITE YOURSELF ALREADY I’M SO SICK AND TIRED OF THIS CRAP I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE ANYMORE WITH YOUR UGLY ADVERBS AND THOSE STUPID DANGLING PARTICIPLES YOU THINK MAKE YOU SOUND LIKE SHAKESPEARE GOD YOU’VE CHANGED INTO SOMETHING I CAN’T EVEN RECOGNIZE MAYBE WE SHOULD REALLY STOP FOOLING OURSELVES ABOUT THIS WHEN CLEARLY I’M THE ONLY ONE TRYING TO MAKE THIS WORK I HATE YOU SOOOO MUCHHHHHHHHH

INFIDELITY

you didn’t even see it coming! I MEAN GOSH THINGS WERE GOING SO WELL! but there it was. sitting on the outskirts of your imagination the whole time, teasing you with promises of what could be. ANOTHER SHINY IDEA! it was wearing a flippy skirt and red lipstick and it sounded so intelligent you couldn’t help but fall for its false proclamations. but you were too dazzled to realize that this new SNI was only a distraction. it was fleeting. unfulfilling. a concept with no tangible form. a cheap thrill with no literary value. you feel cheated. you feel dirty. YOU’RE SO ASHAMED.

GROVELING

you messed up. you never meant to leave but things were getting tough and maybe you have a problem with commitment and really, it was a mindless fling that meant nothing! you realize now what a mistake it was and how wrong you were to leave. it wasn’t like anything even happened! it was just a moment of weakness and NO YOU’RE NOT THINKING OF THE OTHER ONE RIGHT NOW you already said you’re sorry SO SORRY YOU SWEAR IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN YOU ARE NOW FULLY COMMITTED TO SEEING THIS PROJECT THROUGH NO MATTER WHAT.

LOVE

blood. sweat. tears. so many expletives. a million points of compromise, hopefully lots of kissing. really excellent dialogue. stupid digressions you’ll edit out later. adventures you weren’t expecting, secrets you didn’t know you had, new things you never thought you’d learn. BUT YOU DID IT. you stuck it out. you wrote a freaking book.

CONGRATULATIONS!

i hear you’re expecting a sequel?

T.H. Mafi is a girl. She’s 22. She writes YA novels and owns more coats than pants.

Filed Under: The Writing Life Tagged With: guest blog, Life of a Writer, Staying Sane While Writing

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Kiki Hamilton says

    October 12, 2010 at 3:28 am

    I just have to say I NEVER click through to comment but this was so freakin' funny that I had to come say brava!!

    Reply
  2. Hillary says

    October 12, 2010 at 3:58 am

    Oh dear, the infidelity. I hate how it makes me feel, but I can't help it.

    Reply
  3. Bree D says

    October 12, 2010 at 4:06 am

    This was as close to brilliant as it gets.

    Reply
  4. RaihanahMM says

    October 12, 2010 at 4:17 am

    Why does this sound sooo familiar?? oh its about me!!! lol!!thank you to the author for putting her thoughts together and not going on the the next "shiny idea".

    Reply
  5. Meghan says

    October 12, 2010 at 5:54 am

    Oh this is so lovely. Thank you for making my night!

    Reply
  6. Ness says

    October 12, 2010 at 6:20 am

    hahaha, this is scary but also kind of a relief. I thought I was the only one who went through this 🙂

    Reply
  7. ginny martyn says

    October 12, 2010 at 12:34 pm

    aaaaand scene!

    Reply
  8. J. R. McLemore says

    October 12, 2010 at 12:59 pm

    That was fabulous and it's spot on. I've experienced all of these stages, more than once. *Sigh*

    Very good post!

    Reply
  9. K.L. Brady says

    October 12, 2010 at 1:43 pm

    So many shiny new ideas, so little time. It's official. I'm a novel ho.

    Reply
  10. Rebecca says

    October 12, 2010 at 1:50 pm

    This is spot on and made me laugh first thing in the morning. Brilliant. I am sharing this with every writer I know.

    Reply
  11. Julie Kingsley says

    October 12, 2010 at 2:25 pm

    I've been cheating on my novel with my blog. You see my blog is just so easy. We get along so well. I post pictures, they take up a lot of space, I talk about food. People give me feedback. My blog is a good date. It listens. My blog gives back!

    Right now, I'm cheating on my novel with this blog.

    I just may need therapy.

    Reply
  12. lotusgirl says

    October 12, 2010 at 3:18 pm

    Nice.

    Reply
  13. Susan Panzica - EternityCafe says

    October 12, 2010 at 3:58 pm

    Hysterical! Don't know whether to laugh or cry. I do know I'm printing it out and posting above my writing desk. That infidelity of mine has got to go!
    It applies just as well to nonfiction, and really to any great idea that we entertain but cheat on.
    Thanks!

    Reply
  14. Zeifus says

    October 12, 2010 at 4:35 pm

    Great post. So true. It reminded me of Winston Churchill's description of writing a book:

    “Writing a book is an adventure. To begin with, it is a toy and an amusement; then it becomes a mistress, and then it becomes a master, and then a tyrant. The last phase is that just as you are about to be reconciled to your servitude, you kill the monster, and fling him out to the public.”

    I guess great minds think alike!

    Reply
  15. Mary Jo says

    October 12, 2010 at 4:40 pm

    LOL. If I wasn't laughing, I'd be crying. I'm so at the EXPLETIVE stage of our relationship…

    Reply
  16. Becky Wallace says

    October 12, 2010 at 4:43 pm

    Ask my first five incomplete manuscripts. I never finish anyt..

    Reply
  17. B.E.T. says

    October 12, 2010 at 5:47 pm

    I think I'm in a polyamorous relationship with my projects… And I'm in the procrastination phase with all of them, very very prolonged. Oh God, now I feel so dirty!

    This was an awesome post! So true.

    Reply
  18. The Red Angel says

    October 12, 2010 at 6:52 pm

    Umm, this post pretty much made my day. Freaking hilarious and brilliant!

    I'm at the Procrastination [Station] stage right now. xD Maybe I can skip the Infidelity part? Haha.

    ~TRA

    https://xtheredangelx.blogspot.com

    Reply
  19. J. L. McInnis says

    October 12, 2010 at 7:47 pm

    HAHAHA!! Awesome! I've totally gone through all those stages (well, okay, i'm working on the love stage where the darn thing is actually completed but…who said that was the whole point anyway?)

    The expletive stage…hmmm, yes, very, very familiar with that one…and doing the procrastination stage even as I type this comment, lol.

    Reply
  20. Valerie Kemp says

    October 12, 2010 at 9:53 pm

    Woohoo! I've reached the groveling stage. SO happy to see that means I'm nearing true love! Awesome post!

    Reply
  21. Sheila Lamb says

    October 13, 2010 at 12:08 am

    Definitely in the "stop calling and leave me alone" procrastination phase 🙂 Great post!

    Reply
  22. Valerie Norris says

    October 14, 2010 at 12:58 pm

    LOVED it! Especially the Expletive section. Made me laugh out loud.

    Thanks for this!

    Reply
  23. Shanna Sandmoen says

    October 14, 2010 at 7:21 pm

    Love this, wonderfully written and so true! Hilarious!

    Reply
  24. Lori Henry says

    October 14, 2010 at 9:06 pm

    I smiled the whole way through this. Awesome. 🙂

    Reply
  25. Elisa says

    October 14, 2010 at 9:38 pm

    I tell my b/f all the time that I'm not the only writer that gets really excited about a new idea. Starts it, then part way through gets "sidetracked" and starts another, only to go crawling back to my original WIP.

    When I read this to him, he laughed and shook his head. I still don't think he's completely convinced.

    Reply
  26. Dating Rule Book says

    October 17, 2010 at 1:23 am

    the only thing that really matters is Oprah is going off the air. she has no idea how much you were looking forward to that interview.

    Reply
  27. Monnrella says

    October 21, 2010 at 3:37 pm

    HILARIOUS!!! You freakin' rock, girl!!

    Reply
  28. Dating Rule Book says

    October 24, 2010 at 3:24 pm

    the only thing that really matters is Oprah is going off the air. she has no idea how much you were looking forward to that interview.

    Reply
  29. Picking up Women says

    January 7, 2011 at 7:46 am

    A SHINY NEW IDEA. it’s beautiful and original and nothing like the rest of them and for a perfect moment you can already see your future together.

    Reply
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