For some reason I got to thinking this morning about how innkeepers in fantasy novels really have it made. Everyone always seems to have a good time, it’s warm and cozy inside, there’s a fire going, the ale is flowing, and the place is usually packed. At least, until the hero shows up, gets attacked, and everyone starts breaking stuff.
So. Who has the worst job in fiction?
Is it the non-hero who accompanies two main characters on a dangerous mission in science fiction?
An orc soldier (smelly AND dangerous)?
James Bond’s mechanic?
Munk says
Nicholas Cage.
Anonymous says
I agree with some of the others above – the red shirt! (Or, in fantasy, I guess the red cape?)
Alternatively, how about the bad guy's right hand minion?
vnrieker says
haha… i don't know who has the worst job, but this post made me laugh. good stuff.
Jeanie says
The dead guy or gal in thrillers, mysteries, etc. Crappy job, lying there bloating, waiting for somebody, (usually the hero or heroine) to stumble across your discarded body. Hard to be sexy when you're beginning to smell and you have little or no job security . . .unless there's an opening in zombie romance.
Kel says
I think it's the shy, hardworking taxi driver who's tired at the end of the long day and picks up his last passenger– who, of course, is being pursued by gunmen who destroy the cabbie's car and morale.
jbeemills says
Easiest? The third person omniscient narrator. He/she knows all the dirt and gets to dish it without getting dirty.
Deb says
The worst job goes to scriveners, especially those named Bartleby. "Ah, the humanity!"
Janiel Miller says
Worst job in fiction? Oh the copy editor. Absolutely.
"(It's) hard to be sexy when you're beginning to smell and have little or no job security . . ."
Jeanie, sounds like you've got the opening line of a zombie romance novel. 🙂
salima says
villain's sidekick—always sniveling, cowardly, traitorous, possessing none of the ingenuity, bravado or narcissism of the villain….
salima says
or, no!!!! i have it! the mentors in the "hunger games," who mentor doomed children year after year till they're driven to drinking or outright insanity!
mwahhhahhhaaa! i beat everybody!
Eleven Eleven says
The villain's minion. Definitely. He signs up for a cause, but he's usually not smart enough to know it's the wrong one. He endures abuse so his boss can show off trademark cruelty for the reader. At the end, he's tossed aside or dragged along into the villain's dismal fate. Poor misguided victim of abuse, he's confused in his loyalty, just following orders.
Sasha says
The hero's sidekick. The hero gets the fame, the girl and the witty lines. The sidekick gets beaten up all the time, no girl and has to act like an idiot whenever there is a need for comic relief.
Roy Hayward says
I guess it depends…
1. If worst is "shortest life, or most assured death" then we are probably talking about the dudes guarding the the bad guy. They have a crummy job, standing in the cold, or heat, etc. and they get killed without much of a fight as a prelude to the real battle between good and evil.
2. But if worst is "survive to clean up" then we are talking about those villagers or farmers that scrape their living out on the edge of the kingdom. they are the first to get over run, and then when the good guys win, they have to go back and bury the bodies and rebuild their burnt out homes.
I guess its like Obi Wan says, “Many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our point of view” and the worst job in fiction is a matter of perspective.
Mesmerix says
The grunts, lowbies, tavern wenches. The guys who have to clean up the mess after the hero's done beating the literal snot out of the baddie. Who wants to mop up all that snot?
Worst. Job. Evar. And absolutely no credit bestowed upon them, most times not even a name.
Zee Lemke says
Whoever said the hero's horse totally nailed it. Those poor animals! Unless the writer actually has a horseback riding hobby, a hero will often kill off several horses per book. Also more likely to be eaten than sidekicks.
If you're in a work of fiction, DON'T GET ORDAINED. Either you will turn out to be a twisted evil priest who breaks their vow of celibacy (or worshiped a dark god to start with), or you will get artistically tortured and murdered to make plot for the hero. If you're very, very lucky, you might end up in erotica and only have the emotional torture of being seduced out of your vows. But every moment of heartbreak will be lingered over lovingly.
You have more hope if you don't have a name, unlike most characters. If you do nothing but give confession and be as boringly doctrinal as possible, you might get away with only giving advice (good or bad).
Becky Wallace says
The innkeeper in my book gets blown up. I'm pretty sure that had to suck.
Other than that, I have to go with the dungeon-slop-bucket-pusher-person. They go unidentified, but someone has to carry all that crap (maybe literal) to the prisoners and cart it away. Another thankless job.
Delia says
The prostitute in any historical novel. Heart-of-Gold or no, her life is never, ever pleasant.
Rick Daley says
The soldier who got blown up in Dalton Trumbo's JOHNNY GOT HIS GUN.
WORD VERIFICATION: tintsit. How the guy at the auto shop makes my car window darker.
I'm going to start tweeting my word verifications. Follow me @rjdaley101071
Cookie says
What about the villain's minions? They are overworked, underpaid, unappreciated, neglected, abused and on top of it all, they can never seem to defeat that blasted hero.
I mean he walks in a bedraggled mess and kills them all and walks away with a mere flesh wound!
There's just no glory in being an evil minion.
Oh, and the red shirts too.
Stephanie Perkins says
I don't have a clever answer to your question, but I did want to say: YESSSS!! Fantasy Novel Innkeeper has always been my Number One A++ Top Choice for a not-real, dream career.
The fire, the ale, the laughter! It's all so jolly.
ilyakogan says
Parents of the hero – they are usually dead, locked away, or downright evil…
B.Bell says
the victim, he is always dying and stuff
evelonies says
in the book i'm writing, it's the people who are helpless to defend themselves from physical danger while trying to figure out if this is REALLY happening or if they're just losing their minds.
Beth says
I think Evil Overlords have it rough. They're just trying to make a name for themselves, to create some kind of lasting dynasty or new world order or world peace. Those heroes never understand what it is the overlord is trying to DO, goshdarnit! The Evil Overlord is misunderstood, locked into a stereotype. And if that isn't enough, the Evil Overlord almost always has some kind of trouble with his kids, whether the son is even more evil than the father, or the daughter has a crush on the hero. Their minions are incompetent, and their wives always leave them.
The Lemonade Stand says
I'd have to say that the beasts of burden that so many fantasy and sci-fi stories rely on get the worst job. They are taken into battles as faithful comrades and warriors. They do what their beloved masters call of them, but inevitably meet very sticky ends. (for example: Horses of Rohan, oliphaunts, tauntauns, etc.)
clp3333 says
The legal aide who is on the case basically free to either "learn from the best" or work on the "crime of the century." Like Ellen Roark in A TIME TO KILL.
John B says
The poor slob inventor of a 'we won't need oil anymore' energy device. He gets offed in the second chapter so the no-brain hero saves the world and gets the cute girl to boot!
Josin L. McQuein says
Anybody who had the misfortune of knowing the hero / villain / love interest in school, then moved away.
They always seem to bite it early and then get used to announce the evilness to come.
2nd place is the unsung hero. Tonto should've let the Lone Ranger die. He still had to do all the work and never got the credit.
William Jones says
The wise old wizard/hermit that acts as the young hero's mentor. They almost always get killed in some gruesome way, starting the hero's quest for revenge.
Also, assassins. With an assassination, the only way you get to take credit for your work is if you screw up. Complete your job perfectly, and you're the unsung hero for the bad guys. It's got to be depressing.
Joel Q says
Any of the no-name shipcrew that accompanies Capt. Kirk to the plant surface.
The Invisible Writer says
An Ayn Rand "hero."
You work dedicatedly and tirelessly and boring at a job only to have everything you hold dear taken away by government lackies and lobbyists who will gladly kill you if you find a way to be successful in a way that they can't steal from you again.
Bryan Russell (Ink) says
Cormac McCarthy's copyeditor.
Sierra McConnell says
THE WRITER. They have to put up with every single random barmaiden and innkeeper, as well as the hero or heroine. They are just as intracately woven into the fabric of the world as the characters that drive the story.
jjdebenedictis says
Terry Pratchett dedicated his book "Guards! Guards!" to those poor sods in movies who, when confronting the lone hero with their superior numbers, always attack him one-by-one, and thus get slaughtered.
Yup. In fiction, dumb grunt is a bad job.
Anonymous says
I too must vote for any Star Trek character on the Away Team who's wearing a red shirt. Although, to be honest, I think that Kirk's love can also be the kiss of death.
Shawn Kamesch says
How about Arthur Weasly? He constantly works overtime in a large, government institution; gets no respect from the higher ups; and doesn't get paid enough.
Does it get much worse? Without orcs getting involved, that is…
attackfish says
The cabbage merchant from Avatar: the Last Airbender. Wherever he goes, there the heroes are, destroying his stuff. Really hurts the morale.
Gerri says
Second spearchucker on the right. Guarenteed to die in the first or second charge, and no one will ever know his or her name, probably not even the writer.
Maya says
How about the humdrum 1st chapter spouse? Always doomed to get dumped when the main character finds their TRUE love, the one who "gets" them. And the boring, naggy spouse is always completely baffled when the MC leaves them. Poor things!
Anonymous says
The poor soul that has to clean up the tavern after the fight, of course. Funny how they never mention him,huh? Chapter one, the tavern is in complete shambles. Chapter two, it is nice and clean and everything is put back just the way it was. Who did that? Not the innkeeper, of that you can be sure.
Jenna says
The innocent bystander. They're only there to die. And what's worse is that if they're wearing red, they know it's coming and they can't escape. That's got to suck.
Alex J. Cavanaugh says
After seeing Galaxy Quest some years ago, I'd have to say the crewmember who lacks a full name has the worst job. Movies, books, TV, doesn't matter – he's toast!
StableGranny says
It has to be the side-kick of the evil, hard hearted villain. The one that doesn’t have brains enough to realize that at any time they could become their master’s next victim. Oh it could be the pooper-scooper at the end of the parade.
Nicole L Rivera says
Professor Umbridge. I've never had a character make me angry — this woman makes my skin crawl with disgust. Even my husband — the non-reader — can't stand this woman (he's seen the movies a few billion times thanks to his other half's obsession). He won't watch the fifth movie because of the "mean lady in pink with all the cats." What character wants to be that hated?
Gehayi says
1) The second person to die in a murder mystery. The first person is always important and everyone really cares about WHY this person died. The second one dies to establish that the murderer is a) a real bastard and b) going to keep on killing until the hero or heroine stops him or her. No one cares about the victim at all.
2) Orc soldiers. Motivations? History? Culture? Any glimmer of a reason WHY orcs so often end up working for the bad guys? Of course not! They're not people; they're designated evil for the heroes to fight.
3) The ordinary mortal cops in urban fantasy series. Not only do they have to deal with crime, they have to cope with supernatural criminals who are stronger, faster and more deadly than humans and immune to most human weapons. Such cops have to stop crime, catch the supernatural criminals, find a jail that can contain them, manage to stay alive throughout the entire process–AND do this without getting fired by their superiors for being superstitious or insane and while being spoken of in a patronizing tone by the hero. Because such cops are NEVER the designated heroes. They're just ordinary Joes doing their jobs.
4) The peasants in a George R.R. Martin novel. If they don't get killed by one army, five more armies are in the offing to kill, rape, maim and brutalize them, burn their homes, and steal their crops and what little they own, thus leaving them to starve. Their liege lords treat them as if they are lower than dirt and are only useful pawns, while the king's guards will cheerfully kill them to prevent a riot before one even happens. They can be killed just for having been the serfs of the wrong lord (like that was a choice of theirs). If they join the outlaws who seem to have some food, they can be tortured and hanged. And that's leaving out things like famine, pestilence and a years-long winter.
I realize that most of this is based on medieval history–but damn, it's bleak.
5) The relatives of the Angsty Teen Hero in a fantasy series. If they're his parents, they're destined to be murdered horribly to give him a motivation for battling the evil wizard/usurping queen/whatever later on. If they're his adopted family, they're destined to be unfeeling, unloving, and completely incapable of appreciating the sheer wonderfulness that is the hero, and the hero will dump them at the first opportunity. Either way, they lose.
hannah says
Totally agree that, at least in YA, it's the parents.
Christina says
In romance novels, the ladies in waiting. They're always getting obnoxious rich girls dressed up to go out to fun places, but they get jack squat for themselves. And they're usually young women who wanna go out too, but nobody ever thinks to asks them. So unfair!
sex scenes at starbucks, says
Mentors who have to deal with insufferable, self-absorbed teenaged protagonists. No wonder they never tell the protag anything, s/he wouldn't listen anyway.
Lynda Young says
Apart from the guy wearing a red shirt… It's the villain who likes to have a chat before dispatching the hero.
swampfox says
The family members of the protagonist. They get killed or murdered, kidnapped, raped, held hostage, forced into prostitution, you name it.