There is a famous psychological study that shows that people who win the lottery and people who are involved in catastrophic accidents return to the same original base level of happiness after two years. People who make more than $75,000 are barely affected by further raises at all.
Success and fortune are normative. When we experience success, no matter how great, we first experience a blip of happiness, then we get used to it and start looking for what’s around the bend.
And for writers, as previously chronicled, this leads to the “If-Only Game.” If I could only find an agent, then I’ll be happy. When you get that agent it becomes: If only I could find a publisher, then I’ll be happy. If only I could make the bestseller list, then I’ll be happy. If only I could have as many Twitter followers as Neil Gaiman, then I’ll be happy. We allow our success to be the new normal and aren’t satisfied even when we reach the next milestone because there’s always another milestone to be had.
But I think there’s another hidden danger for writers that can dampen writerly happiness: using our daydreams to get us through the tough times.
You know how it goes. You face a difficult time while writing, you don’t want to do it, you’re putting in such incredible hard work, and your mind starts drifting to your book being published and taking off and becoming a bestseller and being the next Harry Potter only more popular (don’t worry, we’re all J.K. Rowlings before publication) and sitting on Oprah’s couch and building A FLOATING CASTLE IN THE SKY TRUST US WE’LL BE RICH ENOUGH. And you use those dreams to power through the difficult stretches and redouble your efforts.
And that’s perfectly natural! No judging.
But these dreams are sort of like the dark side of the force. Use them too much and you’ll turn into a Sith Lord.
When you allow daydreams to fill that gap to get you through the tough times, or even when you’re just letting your imagination get the best of you, the dreams can gradually evolve into the reason you were writing in the first place. They were how you got through the tough times, so now they have to come true for it to be worth it. They start to become a crutch–take that crutch away and you fall over because you were leaning on an endlessly elusive dream.
Those dreams can morph into expectations without the writer even noticing it. You start thinking, if this doesn’t happen, what were all those hours for? Why am I dealing with this frustration if it’s not going to amount to anything? Why am I doing this?
And after those dreams are eroded by reality, suddenly there’s a hollow place where those dreams used to reside. It doesn’t feel worth it anymore, even if you’ve achieved modest success that you should be extremely proud of, and would have made you happy if your expectations were in check.
Careful with those dreams. They seem so bright and shiny and harmless and they can help you out through the tough times and it’s so fun to let your imagination run wild for a little while, but let them get the best of you and eventually you’ll hollow out and get all wrinkly and pale and lightning will start shooting from your fingertips.
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Art: The Nightmare by Henry Fuseli
That was seriously depressing, Nathan, and not something I particularly needed to hear. Sorry.
You've really outdone yourself this time, Nathan. I can tell because this post stings my pride. A lot.
I'm not sure why so many of the writers commenting here think you're trying to kill their dreams. To me, you're doing the exact opposite—validating our dreams while warning us not to let them carry us away.
By all means, keep your heads in the clouds, fellow writers. Just be sure to keep two feet firmly planted on the ground at the same time so you don't lose touch with reality. That's what I take from this post, anyway.
I can't wait until Nathan Bransford is my agent. Then I'll be happy. This dream is the only thing keeping me sane through these revisions. It's totes gonna happen.
I beg to disagree. Failure is easy to take – success is harder. The example you quoted of winning a lottery – is the person who got all he dreamt of – he couldn't handle it.
You aim for something – don't get it; well happens all through your life. I think people adjust to reality all the time.
But you dreamt a dream – it is all coming true – that is more scary. Success will bring a new set of problems to your life. Preparing for failure is easier – we are all pessimists. But it is also important to prepare for success – what if it is all going to come true. Are you prepared for it?
Yes we should never continue living in our dreams (and you have to be capable of handling disappointments) but if you don't dream, you will write mediocre stuff.
just my thoughts. V nice post.
I beg to disagree. Failure is easy to take – success is harder. The example you quoted of winning a lottery – is the person who got all he dreamt of – he couldn't handle it.
You aim for something – don't get it; well happens all through your life. I think people adjust to reality all the time.
But you dreamt a dream – it is all coming true – that is more scary. Success will bring a new set of problems to your life. Preparing for failure is easier – we are all pessimists. But it is also important to prepare for success – what if it is all going to come true. Are you prepared for it?
Yes we should never continue living in our dreams (and you have to be capable of handling disappointments) but if you don't dream, you will write mediocre stuff.
just my thoughts. V nice post.
Oh! I forgot to add that I'm looking forward to hearing you speak at the Central Coast Writers' Conference this weekend! I even considered wearing my bright orange "Nathan Bransford for President" t-shirt but my husband cautioned I might come across a little "rabid fan-girl-ish." Sheesh. So maybe I'll just wear the hot pink one…
;-D
I'm surprised there's dissent in the comments. š
Winning is something that's born out of confidence rather than hope. Successful people are usually successful in multiple facets of their lives, and I suspect most would tell you they have goals (which they achieve) rather than dreams.
Looking back I definitely think I could have been clearer in the post that really it's the transition of dreams to expectations to be wary of rather than the dreams themselves. Dreams = great/natural/awesome/the reason we're doing this. It's when they crystallize, as Alicia articulated, that they can constrict you. That seems to be the source of misunderstanding.
Ah well, next time!
Sadly (or happily, depending) there's only one solution: BIC. And mind on the craft.
Those success daydreams – I use them to get through my insomnia.
Thanks for another great post.
A very insightful post, thank you Nathan.
This is an amazing post.
I think about this all the time.
There's a great line in Field of Dreams, where Shoeless Joe says, "Ty Cobb wanted to play, but none of us could stand the son-of-a-bitch when we were alive, so we told him to stick it!"
I'm so glad my first novel wasn't published. Or my second. I would have been a real son-of-a-bitch.
Now,I no longer have a dream. Now, I have thrown out the old-school publishing model. Now, I have no expectations. I am not a writer, nor an artist, yet I am both of those. I have a niche audience for my work, and I'm digging it and embracing it. Because of technology/emedia, I connect in ways that Henry Miller would have been jealous of.
Thanks for this reminder, Nathan.
I'll see you there, Christine. And Nathan!!! Just realized I've got NOTHING ORANGE in my closet. Maybe I'll just have to bring my monkey.
It will be awesome.
I think Nathan's saying we all dream those impossible dreams, but we also need to be grateful for the gifts along the way–which are the real rewards. And keep the dream software updated.
Brilliant. The clearest and best reasoning for watching your motives I've read in a long time.
Banking on outcomes is the credit card of time you may not be able to pay off in the end. Psychological bankruptcy makes for a great villain in a story, but not for a happier you.
Great reminder that I greatly needed today of all days. Thanks to Colleen Lindsay for tweeting it for me to find.. and read. It was something I especially needed to read today.
Nathan –
Your post today makes it sound like it would be a BAD thing to be a Sith Lord…
Silly agent! The Sith are awesome, and not just for kids nowadays.
The problem for me is that if I'm daydreaming about success that's time I could have spent writing. I can't decide if that's more Darth Sidious or more Count Dooku though.
Yes, there's a big difference between dreaming big and thinking that achieving that dream is the only thing that will make you happy. I think that's the point Nathan's trying to make.
So I agree completely. You need to consciously think about what will make you happy – and it shouldn't be dependent on things you can't control, like Oprah. š (I actually did a blog post about this several weeks ago, so maybe that's why it made more sense to me.)
The new Goo Goo Dolls song, "Nothing is Real" seems like an appropriate song for this post!! Check it out. I love it, my fave on their new album, but I love "As I am too."
Wow! Thanks for posting this. Talk about a wake-up call.
Wait a minute. I just read your post above. Maybe I'm still misunderstanding and I should delete my post again. Arrrggghhh.
So, you're saying: be careful. Don't take your dream and make it into something you 'expect' to happen and then feel like life is worthless if that particular manifestation of your dream doesn't happen. That would be a bad thing.
Yeah, okay. Good point, Nathan.
Darn it. I'm going to have to delete my post again. Shoot. I really like that song. š
Good topic. Lots of food for thought for me today. Thanks. š
Oh God, and I thought it was just me!
Thanks for this Nathan. Love your work.
Great post! And great comments – I particularly like Josin's interpretation. Yes, this is The Neverending Story. LOL.
I agree that dreams are great, as long as we remain grounded in the reality of "what is". And while some ambition is great, it is important to be happy with where you are. I think the people who struggle with that will always be playing the "if only" game.
My version of the "if only" game goes, "If only I can get an agent, then I won't have to spend half my writing time doing publisher and agent research!" So I guess I'mnot completely immune, although I think it's a pretty realistic expectation. š
Nice, Mira, but I still want that friggin' flyin' car.
By the way, that "Nice, Mira" was aimed at the comment you deleted. Just so you know.
I think I get your post, Nathan, and I think it's a good reminder.
At the end of the day, I have to be okay with the time I spent writing. Even if that's all it ever is. If that book never becomes a mega-hit, if it never gets published, even if it never gets an agent, at least it got written. And I have to be happy with writing process, and the writing process alone.
Thankfully, as of now, I am. I love all my characters and worlds too much to ever resent them if they never get printed. I like the time I spent with them, and I'll never regret having created their stories.
Great post Nathan! there are so many ups and downs in writing and publishing that you have to love what you do. You are right, if you let your dreams become your expectations you will be disappointed because the reality will rarely live up to your dreams.
Thanks, Chuck. š I learned alot today writing and deleting posts. I took my post down, though, because it was sort of all over the place, and I thought Nathan's point was good and deserved focus.
I'll say the other stuff the next time Nathan posts on this topic. š
As for a flying car, you might be dreaming too small. What about wings? We can flap them and zoom around.
Nathan, how did you know about my floating castle? There will also be an anti-gravity room and a hovering bed, and I will dress like a princess while my partner dresses as a robot (his choice, not mine unfortunately). *clings to realistic richness dream.*
I have learned so much since discovering this blog. I have passed along to you, The One Lovely Blog award. You can check out and pick up the award at: https://AnnaLWalls.blogspot.com
I think the post is quite clearly written, but needs to be read slowly and digested!
I think expectations are the dreaded things to beware of, in every area of life.
They're very often unconscious or not articulated too – so when they're not met it's even more difficult to deal with.
And they do have a very close relationship with dreams.
A Sith Lord! Ha ha, brilliant. I love this piece; it's very true.
Although I have to say… if Chuck H (a few comments away) gets a flying car, then I want one too.
Happiness I have now. Success will be to get published. I don't think I'll want to go back to being unpub'd. I'm sure my view of success will change though, as does life.
But who do I talk to on the way to work today alone in my car?
Ms O is over this year, Larry is out and Barbara, well Babs is getting up there…OMG I'll have to talk to myself or God.
Where is George Burns when you need him?
This is a beautifully written piece of prose; wow.
You've said what I've said to writers who feel they aren't successful "Because" . . . (and have to say to myself, too): Enjoy all the moments, what's right there in front of you, every "little" success should be celebrated – even "modest" success in the Bigger Realm of the Publishing World (or whatever world you are in) is really not modest at all when you consider the percentages.
It's so easy to compare ourselves: are we as beautiful as that model and why aren't we? they're that way; so why aren't we? What are we doing wrong? Are we as successful/rich/well-known as so and so–and why not? They did it; what is their magic? How come we're lacking and they are not?
I think it's time we all take our right hand, put it behind our back, and give ourselves a little pat that says "Hey, good job," but then Get Back To Work doing what we do.
(I am laughing at Chuck H's comment though – I can see it in my peripheral vision *laugh*)
If only I could sleep less so I could read/write more. Thank goodness I love the process.
Nathan, what's a Silth Lord?
Informative and insightful post – for those who need to hear it. That many would-be and working writers do need to hear it amazes me because I've been well grounded in reality for most of my life. That "if only" mentality doesn't apply just to writers but to people across every tier of society. It's really a sad statement on our culture and our collective thought as Americans that the idea that the grass is always greener and that happiness is an elusive fleeting prize that soon fades is so prevelent.
Thank God I put aside those rose colored glasses about the same time I packed the Barbie dolls away and left childhood behind me.
Well said.
Nathan: I think you were clear enough, definitely. But sometimes communication is like Rorschach: you hear or get meaning from what's being said (or being written) based on where you're at inside. Your blogs are a great service to the writing community. I dare say non-writers might enjoy them just as much. As Arnold says: "I'll be back!" Alicia
What turns out to be the MOST instructive part of this column and the responses, Nathan, is how many respondents have taken your original commentary to mean they shouldn't dream. That, of course, isn't what you wrote. You were perfectly clear. And yet even your post-post efforts to set this straight in comments don't seem to reach some people.
Isn't there something to learn in all this about how readers tend to interpret what we write in subjective ways? Many seem to labor under the influence of pop-culture sentiment, which aggressively promotes success dreams as the prerequisite to fulfillment. And I say that with all respect to the late Lena Horne, who so melodiously belieeeeeved in herself that she could have instilled self-esteem in anyone, even Canadians.
There's something cautionary here for all of us Writers Who Would Be Read. It's about subtle distinctions vs. kneejerk filters among the eyeballs of the world.
Here's to healthy dreaming that doesn't warp into neurotic expectations. And to readers comfortable in the gray areas (and Bransford Orange) of reality. š
Fine post, Nathan.
The joy must remain in the striving, lest the true dream die.
An amazingly perceptive piece. Thank you, Nathan.
Nail. Head.
Thanks N.
Wonderful post Nathan and I completely agree with you; in my previous marriage we had gobs of money and the fancy house/cars. I grew used to it. In my current marriage we have the normal house and the Jetta and I'm used to it as well. It's all fine and dandy. I've never aspired to make money from writing, thus, I don't really fall into the daydreaming about success category. HOWEVER, since my book uncovers a load of secrets about the corporate HR recruiting function and about all the liest that take place, I do at times daydream about how great it would be for millions of people to read it and to have them exposed. This post helped me as it's just as dangerous to daydream in this fashion. Thank you-
I guess my writing and I are still in the honeymoon stage. I am happy just because I'm writing. Oh, the dreams are still there, and quite frankly, I expect every one of them to come true… eventually. But I don't hang my happiness on my dreams coming true.
I'm already pale and wrinkly, so where can I sign up for the lightning-shooting-from-fingertips gig?
I have to reiterate with what some people have said. I do agree with your post, however, if I don't ever make enough to write FT than I do conceivably see myself stopping. Working 2 jobs which in reality are both FT one can only do for so long while not seeing rewards for that work.
I can actually attest to the truth of this post, because I lived it. It's a very dangerous thing to get into your head that "if only I get published I'll be happy" or "if only I hit a bestseller list I'll be happy" or… anything along those lines. For a very (very) long time I was a struggling writer who jumped every time the phone rang hoping it was my agent calling with a book deal (and I mean for freakin' years) and I got mired in a tremendous amount of depressive thinking.
Luckily, I got off into a different direction where I was able to change my life circumstances by becoming a full-time freelance writer. The novels I get published are part of that, but I still struggle with the fiction expectations part of things, whereas I'm overall very happy with my life.
I understand your post 100%.
Great post! I think it applies to life in general. Sometimes we get so caught up in the dream that we forget to enjoy the ride.
See what happens when your dreams become expectations? Nobody liked Ratcliffe.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P99grcBer30
This time I have to disagree. Sorry. Those dreams that get you through should be treated as little prayers, hopes for the future. Write with the intent that you will be famous or on Oprah's couch(best hurry though). That intent acts as a goal you aspire to reach.
I'm a big believer in "shoot for the stars, if you hit the moon it's still way farther than the couch in a suburb surrounded by Stepford wives."