There is a famous psychological study that shows that people who win the lottery and people who are involved in catastrophic accidents return to the same original base level of happiness after two years. People who make more than $75,000 are barely affected by further raises at all.
Success and fortune are normative. When we experience success, no matter how great, we first experience a blip of happiness, then we get used to it and start looking for what’s around the bend.
And for writers, as previously chronicled, this leads to the “If-Only Game.” If I could only find an agent, then I’ll be happy. When you get that agent it becomes: If only I could find a publisher, then I’ll be happy. If only I could make the bestseller list, then I’ll be happy. If only I could have as many Twitter followers as Neil Gaiman, then I’ll be happy. We allow our success to be the new normal and aren’t satisfied even when we reach the next milestone because there’s always another milestone to be had.
But I think there’s another hidden danger for writers that can dampen writerly happiness: using our daydreams to get us through the tough times.
You know how it goes. You face a difficult time while writing, you don’t want to do it, you’re putting in such incredible hard work, and your mind starts drifting to your book being published and taking off and becoming a bestseller and being the next Harry Potter only more popular (don’t worry, we’re all J.K. Rowlings before publication) and sitting on Oprah’s couch and building A FLOATING CASTLE IN THE SKY TRUST US WE’LL BE RICH ENOUGH. And you use those dreams to power through the difficult stretches and redouble your efforts.
And that’s perfectly natural! No judging.
But these dreams are sort of like the dark side of the force. Use them too much and you’ll turn into a Sith Lord.
When you allow daydreams to fill that gap to get you through the tough times, or even when you’re just letting your imagination get the best of you, the dreams can gradually evolve into the reason you were writing in the first place. They were how you got through the tough times, so now they have to come true for it to be worth it. They start to become a crutch–take that crutch away and you fall over because you were leaning on an endlessly elusive dream.
Those dreams can morph into expectations without the writer even noticing it. You start thinking, if this doesn’t happen, what were all those hours for? Why am I dealing with this frustration if it’s not going to amount to anything? Why am I doing this?
And after those dreams are eroded by reality, suddenly there’s a hollow place where those dreams used to reside. It doesn’t feel worth it anymore, even if you’ve achieved modest success that you should be extremely proud of, and would have made you happy if your expectations were in check.
Careful with those dreams. They seem so bright and shiny and harmless and they can help you out through the tough times and it’s so fun to let your imagination run wild for a little while, but let them get the best of you and eventually you’ll hollow out and get all wrinkly and pale and lightning will start shooting from your fingertips.
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Art: The Nightmare by Henry Fuseli
and by game I mean fame. poo.
A liiiiiiiiiiitle surprised that people are taking from this that I'm saying it's not okay to dream.
DREAM! DREAM BIG! As I said, it's perfectly natural. No judging. If we didn't dream we wouldn't write.
I'm just saying that it's dangerous to depend on those dreams. When you use them as crutches to keep you going, well, I don't personally think people should be gambling with their happiness.
Dream responsibly.
My favorite part of the comments are the people that say something about chasing a dream and how it will never be satisfying and then throw in, "unless you're Stephen King" or "unless you're Rowling." I think the point of Nate's post is that even King and Rowling probably have an "if-only" scenario and I'm sure it has something to do with critical success.
ermo-
That too!
I am a weirdo I guess, once I achieve (or colossally fail at) one goal, I just start dreaming up the next…
but for some reason this post reminds me of a awesome quote from Bob Mould (during his Husker Du years): "Expectations only mean you really think you know, what's coming next and you don't."
I don't think Nathan's saying don't dream, or even don't dream big. He's just saying you have to be content with where you're at, no matter where that is, because, ultimately, realizing our dreams will not make us happy. Happiness comes from who we are on the inside, not what happens to us on the out.
I think the key is to dream as big as you want, but don't rely — emotionally or financially — on dreams whose outcomes depend on something outside your control (e.g., being traditionally published, finding commercial success). That way lies the dark side of un's, in's, and dis's: unfulfillment, insolvency, disillusionment, dissatisfaction. Not to mention unfriendliness, intoxication, and dyspepsia.
Enjoy the big dreams, but don't forget the smaller ones: crafting the next sentence, the next paragraph, the next page, and revising them 'til they shine. Write something you're proud of. That's on no one but you.
12 years it took me, for my daydream to turn in to the beginning of a book. I've always said that with me ADD I'd be proud just to finish it. Now I've put it on halt because if I ever want it published, then I need to learn how to write proper English. I didn't realize until now, that my expectations have grown, without me consciously acknowledging it.
I'll still be proud to finish a book, but will I be disappointed is nothing becomes of it than a mere file on my computer? Yeah, I guess I will!
If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.
Henry David Thoreau
Assuming my current project achieves publication, my idea of success is to have someone I respect to take it seriously enough to Want to Talk About It.
mira-
I probably do need a vacation, but again, I'm not criticizing daydreams, just when those daydreams cross over into expectations. It really does happen to just about everyone – we start dreaming, which is great because if we don't dream big what are we doing. But then gradually and imperceptibly those daydreams start becoming our standard for happiness. Maybe this doesn't happen for everyone, but I've seen it a lot.
As Ermo said, I think you can see it by the idea that people think Stephen King and J.K. Rowling have it made. To us they probably do. But to them, they can very easily play the "if only" game themselves. If only people recognized me for being more than a megabestseller, if only I had sold still more books. That's just human nature. There's no level of success that will get someone to a level of happiness if they continue to try and chase their wildest dreams. It really is like chasing a rainbow.
Don't forget also, that whenever the time I'm lending advice on staying sane during the writing process it's to remind myself as much as anyone else.
Lightening shooting from my fingertips sounds pretty cool though.
I enjoyed this post.
I especially like your point about how reality can never meet a daydream's expectations, how daydreams can actually tarnish the reality of a success.
That's why I reserve my daydreams to thinking about my WIP (character scenes and such). And I only daydream of shooting lightning bolts from my fingertips when I'm in a public bathroom (it really does work!)
Also, I think the danger of this "if only" game grows the earlier a writer "makes it." We've all seen people who get what they've dreamed of, then realize there's nothing else they really want, and grow miserable and unhappy. One of our biggest human needs is growth. We have to continually be expanding our reach. I think this may be a large part of Nathan's original post.
Sorry, Nathan, I think a bunch of us misread your point. :-/
If daydreams didn't cross over into expectations, there'd be no reason to write at all, you could just THINK about writing.
Writing with expectations is very important. The expectation you'll finish the book. The expectation that you will rewrite it. The expectation that a certain number of researched agents will be interested. And on and on…
Any sort of an accomplishment started as a dream, otherwise why would you do it?
I really don't think very many writers out there think they are going to be Stephen King or Rowling — hell, Stephen King and Rowling didn't know they'd be them. Without their dreams, King would still be a janitor living in a trailor and substitute teaching and Rowling would be on the dole.
A-freakin'-men! I cut my expenses and luxuries and lifestyle drastically to focus full-time on writing, and honestly, things and money have nothing to do with happiness.
It pays to cultivate the love of the process of writing and to learn to motivate yourself through the desire to improve your writing. (Plenty of studies that prove this, if you're inclined to research it.) No matter what you get paid or what level of fame or publication you meet, if you don't have that love of process and motivation to improve, then you will burn out–and worse, you just might find you hate the job you've created for yourself.
I indulge in a fantasy now and then, but my real fantasy is to write, write, write and read, read, read and watch movies. I love story. I didn't have to rely on any "if-then" fantasy to get there: I just made it happen.
Is That All There Is?
I think Nathan's point isn't about dreams but about happiness. It isn't dreaming, or even achieving the dream that makes you happy. Happiness can only come from inside, not from external stuff. That's all.
Nathan, I re-read my post, and if you hadn't responded, I would have deleted it.
It was too personal – I'm sorry – I shouldn't have said that part about needing a vacation. That wasn't meant to devalue what you were saying at all. Between yesterday's post and today, I just felt….well, supportive, actually. It didn't come out that way, though. I'm really sorry.
I feel as though I need time to gather my thoughts, because you are making an extremely valid point. People can seriously hurt themselves chasing daydreams. I don't exactly know why I'm struggling with it. Maybe I could let this simmer awhile and come back later tonight.
Actually, I am going to delete my post. I don't like the (unintentionally) devaluing tone. I'll try again later tonight.
mira-
I knew what you meant, no worries.
I could not agree more, well blogged, sir!
You have perfect timing, Nathan. I so needed this post. I've been having a difficult time with my writing, and I'm only now realizing how bad it is to play the If-only game and depend on that unrealistic crutch. Thanks for the reality check.
I'm fortunate to have someone in my life who can keep me grounded even when the dreamer in me takes flights of fancy. Right now I'm finding myself settling for smaller bits of happiness, like when someone asks to read something I wrote, or receiving a comment from someone I've never met before regarding the same.
These small bits of success and happiness do add up overtime.
They say success and money may not make you happy, but they do get you a much better class of misery!
I am very much a dreamer. And I know the dangers. But I consider negative daydreams much worse. Sour grapes. Bitterness. Cynicism. Limiting ourselves and others to our lowest expectations.
Whoever has a dream gives a hostage to fortune. It may not come true. But any plan, however prosaic, is a daydream. Even a laundry list implies a hope we will live long enough to complete it. Beware of the Statistical Wisdom of the World, according to which we are all dead anyway.
Chuck H., me too! Who Killed The Flying Car? THEM, of course! But who are they?
Claudia, yes! Whoever has children gives the biggest of all hostages to fortune. It is not a 'sensible' course of action.
I don't want to be J. K. Rowling. Sex changes are painful, and expensive…
But my inevitable triumph will not be enough. Everyone else must fail! But first I have to get this damn monkey off my chest, and that horse out of my bedroom…
Whoa! I was thinking about building a flying building yesterday!
Great post! I've learned to look back throughout the year and say "I finished another screenplay! Good Job!" "I finished XYZ! Good Job!"
It will help, when you do hit those low days, to recall all of the accomplishments you've had in the year.
Um, excuse me Mr. Bransfors, but did you reach into my soul or are us crazy writers who dream of something big all alike? All I can say now is, at least the Oprah dream is dying on its own. This is her last season, after all!
It's one thing to have a dream, it's another thing to chase it. But beware the wish. I agree with Nathan that hanging all your hopes on one old busted-out hat tree is a very bad idea. Be who you are, do what you love, write because you just can't help it. Success, if it comes, is a bonus.
I don't necessarily believe you need to be happy where you are in life right now, but hopefully you feel content. I'm very content with my life, but yes, I await the happy blip of representation, the publisher, and on and on.
We're hardwired to desire something other than what we have, it propels us forward, and many times distracts us from what we already have. If some of us feel as though we've been given the passion to write in this life, that's great. However, we can't let that passion consume us.
Last dream I had, I got so rich and famous I was murdered.
Then I woke up and wrote a Waking Up scene that won me $5.
Problem was, I had in fact been murdered, so the $5 was effectively worthless.
Still not sure about the value of the dream, whether I was alive at the time I dreamt it, or dead.
To live is to dream.
At least that's how I see it.
Or was that a dream?
"eventually you'll hollow out and get all wrinkly and pale and lightning will start shooting from your fingertips"
On the other hand, being that evil might make it easier to get an agent.
To which I say, something something something dark side. Something something something complete.
"Dream responsibly."
Does this mean I'll never be Mrs. Brad Pitt?
You simply cannot take that away from me…lol
Nathan: Regarding this blog entry, I understand why you're surprised (and perhaps frustrated) that some people are coming away with the idea that it's not okay to dream. You're point seems pretty clear to me. Dreaming is connected to imagination, which is always the first and most important act of creating anything. Without dreaming/ imagination, we'd have nothing. However, expectations are when dreams develop into something confining… something 'will' or 'must' happen versus 'might' happen. Expectations are the craw that gets stuck in people's throats. An example: This novel will be chosen by Oprah for her book club within the year is an expectation, not a dream. However, I will hone my talent without giving up and eventually create a wonderful novel is a dream. Within that dream is infinite possibilities. However,when you engage in expectations, you're not expanding on your dreams but constricting them. And therefore you end up opposing yourself. God knows there are other exciting doors out there to open than just Oprah's (though she can be quite helpful. I get your blog and loved it and applaud you for creating it.
Alicia
This was a good post for me to read today.
Thanks Nathan.
An interesting meditation on publishing dreams and disillusionment and bargaining with reality is Tim Clare's memoir WE CAN'T ALL BE ASTRONAUTS, published by Ebury Press in 2009.
I really enjoyed this post, and it rings true to me. I think (at least in my case) writing must be internally motivated to be enjoyable. If I'm writing because of external motivators (approval, success, etc), and not because I desperately need to get the words out, then it usually isn't good writing and I don't like doing it.
You had me until the Sith Lord thing. If I could get a double sided light saber I would totally be down.
Actually your blog post depressed me. I'm going to go cope with it by signing lit groupie bra straps in my mind.
So you're saying lightning out of the fingertips is a bad sign?
Dreams are like the race horse finishing the race before the rider mounts it.
I needed this. Thank you for defining that ground we call reality. š
Wow, thanks for the wake-up call and warning, Nathan. š It's definitely very true. Well-written and honest. Great post!
~TRA
https://xtheredangelx.blogspot.com
I have no expectations…only a lot of determination, so I think I'll be okay…
As always, you have incredibly astute observations. Perhaps some readers are struggling with this post because it rings so true? I know for myself, it's an issue that reaches far beyond just my writing life. I try to remind myself that getting that "next thing," whatever it is, is not what's going to make me happy. Only I can make me happy. It's a tough one to remember though. Thanks for this post, Nathan.
Sorry, I was daydreaming a little during this post. So you're saying the only milestone worth achieving is the destruction of the Jedi Order, right?
This is a bit like the poor man who was told riches wouldn't make him happy and said he would prefer rich and unhappy to poor and unhappy.
Marriage brings its set of problems, but if no one wants to marry you, that must surely be worse.
Getting published I'm happy to attest brings its own problems, but I prefer them to rejection.
This is a bit like the poor man who was told riches wouldn't make him happy and said he would prefer rich and unhappy to poor and unhappy.
Marriage brings its set of problems, but if no one wants to marry you, that must surely be worse.
Getting published I'm happy to attest brings its own problems, but I prefer them to rejection.
So would the Sith Lord thing be an example of analogy? Or fact?
Thanks for this post Nathan.
I couldn't agree more. Hillary Mantel recently wrote an article about the nervous tension of the weeks prior to finding out if you've won the Booker, and at the end of the article she said she badly missed the days before publication when she could write what she wanted to, and she had the luxury of clinging to the lost pleasurable hours of writing what you want to write.
So many great writers have said this.
Thanks again for an interesting read.
An old psychology professor of mine taught us (our class) something that I truly connected to. He said: "Think about your car. Is having the car what makes you happy? Or is it the feeling you get of being in the car, the way you feel as it cruises you to your destination, the sensation you get from driving it while the wind blows through your hair and the radio plays your favorite song?" I paraphrased that, but the point's the same.
Basically, the former places the happiness on the object itself, stimulated by the idea of having something the person wants or thinks he wants; the latter places the happiness within the person, stimulated by the internal responses that occur through the whole "car experience."
I think the same applies here. If a person experiences happiness through his writing, then everything else will be somewhat secondary (the agent, the publisher – the objects) even if at some point he sets his sights on attaining those objects/goals; and in some way, even if unable to attain those objects/goals, he will still experience the happiness that comes from within through his writing. If, however, the person thinks the objects (getting published, getting the agent) will make him happy, then the happiness is surely not to last.
Father Nathan,
So…where do I show up for the sermon, really.
When I go to bed tonight, just before I fall asleep I'm setting Oprah aside. No more on the road to talk about my book, no more autographs, all the money and movie rights gone because of your post. Maybe tonight I'll actually fall asleep before I give my Oscar speech for the screenplay of my bestseller.
Jeez Nathan whats left if I can't dream…reality, that sucks.
Actually father, my reality is pretty damn good.
Thanks for reminding me.