Thanks so much to susanivt for offering her page! I think this opening has a nice spirit to it, and I think it does a good job of kicking off the novel with a whimsical tone and a good sense of character. While beginning with someone waking up is a bit of a standard trope, I nevertheless appreciate that this page doesn’t try to do too much and instead just introduces us to the character.
My main concern about this opening is that the writing feels a bit stilted to me.
Stilted writing is a very common pratfall, and I think of it as a combination of three symptoms: 1) imprecision, 2) overly complicated phrasing, 3) the Yoda Effect.
What is the Yoda Effect? Well, I’m sure there’s a proper grammar name for it, but it’s basically when the verb and subject are reversed in confusing fashion. (“Judge me by my size, do you?”, “Impossible to see the future is.”) The Yoda Effect creeps into this page in a few places (“his whine announced the Doberman’s launch” “Jumping off the bed, Dargo crouched next to her” “His quivering bulk against her side dissolved her anger.”), and I think the sentences would read much more smoothly if they were reversed. (“she heard her Doberman’s whine before he launched himself on the bed” “Dargo jumped off the bed and crouched next to her” “Her anger dissolved when she felt his quivering bulk against her side”)
The result of the combined stilted symptoms is that this page never quite got into a rhythm for me and I didn’t always believe the action. While I’m all for physical humor, I just don’t know that more is gained by describing her fall with every single action in its parts rather than a more streamlined description. I tend to think that “and she fell off the bed in a heap” works better than “Kathryn flailed beneath the blankets in an attempt to get away. Misjudging the size of her new bed, she spread her arms as she slid over the edge. She managed to grip the flannel sheet and execute an impressive flip onto the floor.”
I think this page could work with some polish and I would think about whether a less standard opening could better show this character in her element and possibly introduce some conflict, but it’s clear that the author has a strong sense of character and that’s an important step.
REDLINE
Kathryn knew she would have a bad day when she woke up to the rumble of the snowplow. Sure enough, his whine I first read this as the whine of the snowplow and wondered why the snowplow was a “he” before I eventually realized it was the dog’s whine announced the Doberman’s seems odd to me to refer to the dog as “the Doberman” rather than “her Doberman” – this is her pet, right? launch onto her bed see Yoda Effect above. Amid the unpredictable impacts should be “impact” of his paws, Kathryn flailed beneath the blankets in an attempt to get away. Misjudging the size of her new bed, she spread her arms as she slid over the edge. She managed to grip the flannel sheet and execute an impressive flip onto the floor.
Thump! do we need the sound effect?
“Damn it, Dargo! It’s just a snowplow for Pete’s sake!” May be a personal/geographic response, but I didn’t believe the “for Pete’s sake” – it seems like something a much older character would say.
Jumping off the bed, Dargo crouched next to her Yoda. His quivering bulk against her side dissolved her anger Yoda.
“It’s okay, boy. Nothing’s going to hurt you.” Bending her arm at an odd angle necessary detail?, she stroked his chest and sighed into the carpet. He pressed his cold nose onto her bare leg and she rolled sideways, driving her elbow into the leg of her nightstand.
“Ouch!”
Her cherry nightstand could withstand the tremor, but she couldn’t say the same “she couldn’t say the same” doesn’t quite make sense to me here for the item upon it. Looking up, she saw the large display of her alarm clock read 5:14 as it tipped over the edge, hitting her in the forehead. This seems like a physical impossibility. If she rolled over and knocked her nightstand such that something fell off, wouldn’t it tip away from her and the alarm clock fall to the opposite side of where she hit the nightstand? I know, a nitpick, but this is one of those little details that our brains notice even subconsciously and something doesn’t feel right until we think about why it’s bothering us. UPDATE: I’m probably wrong on this, see comment section
“God, I hate Mondays.”
An hour later, Kathryn stomped her boots in the lobby of Cameron IT Consulting. Leaving a trail of snow, she squeaked along the floor “she squeaked along the floor” makes it sound like she’s crawling. toward the security desk. Chuckling, the guard covered his mouth and turned away. Why is this so funny to the guard? If there’s lots of snow outside wouldn’t everyone be tracking snow inside with possibly squeaky boots?
“Steve, I don’t even want to hear it.” Kathryn frowned,
Anonymous says
I only realised I had the Yoda effect after I read this post. Now I realise my manuscript is full to the brim with the yoda disease… and I only did it because I wanted a more intresting way of starting my sentences. Speaking of which, you should make a post on overcoming the yoda effect… I mean, how do you start sentences in more intresting ways WITHOUT falling foul?