It goes without saying that people hate writing query letters. Loathe! Abhor! Hiss! Some authors feel it is simply beneath their dignity to have to distill the wondrous complexity of their novel to a brief excerpt.
But as has been chronicled in the past on this blog: authors have to summarize their work. Often. Repeatedly. In a wildly diverse array of settings. So much that you start to hate your own book. Okay, not that much. But close!
UPDATED 5/31/19
You have to learn to pitch
Summarizing your work is part of the job description of being an author. You signed up for it the minute you typed “Chapter 1.” (And yes, literary fiction types, you don’t get to sail through on “oh man it’s so complicated but it’s really all about the writing”. You have to pitch too!). Whether it’s pitching a project to an editor, for film, in interviews, in everyday conversation: you’ll basically spend about as much time summarizing and talking about your work as you did writing it.
And yet different situations call for different length of pitches. A query is basically a two paragraph pitch with some query-related detail. But sometimes you’ll want to use a one sentence pitch (for a bio, if you’re into that whole brevity thing), or a one paragraph pitch (for briefly describing in real life conversation when you don’t want someone’s eyes to glaze over).
My feeling: get it all out of the way at once. Save yourself the headache and come up with a one sentence, one paragraph, and two paragraph pitch before you even start to query. Then: practice and memorize your pitches. You never know when you’re going to need them.
Start with the one-sentence pitch
I personally think the best way of going about this is to start with the one sentence pitch: not only is it the hardest to write, it contains the essence of your book. It’s the most crucial arc of your story, with all the other details stripped away – even, sometimes, character names. It can be painful to whittle it down (I don’t even mention the key villain in mine), but utterly, utterly necessary.
Here’s a post dedicated to the one-sentence pitch if you need some help.
You then build around that one sentence pitch and flesh it out with some key details in the one paragraph pitch – maybe the character names, or the most important subplot, or a few quick images that give a sense of the sensibility of your work.
With the two paragraph you have more flexibility to add still more details and can make it a bit more of a story itself.
I did this for Jacob Wonderbar. Here are my pitches (which I have to use very very often):
One sentence pitch
Three kids trade a corndog for a spaceship, blast off into space, accidentally break the universe, and have to find their way back home.
One paragraph pitch
Jacob Wonderbar trades a corndog for a sassy spaceship and blasts off into space with his best friends, Sarah and Dexter. After they accidentally break the universe in a giant space kapow, a nefarious space pirate named Mick Cracken maroons Jacob and Dexter on a tiny planet that smells like burp breath. They have to work together to make it back to their street on Earth where all the houses look the same.
Two paragraph pitch
Jacob Wonderbar has been the bane of every substitute teacher at Magellan Middle School ever since his dad moved away from home. He never would have survived without his best friend Dexter, even if he is a little timid, and his cute-but-tough friend Sarah Daisy, who is chronically overscheduled.
But when the trio meets a mysterious man in silver they trade a corn dog for his sassy spaceship and blast off into the great unknown. That is, until they break the universe in a giant space kapow and a nefarious space buccaneer named Mick Cracken maroons Jacob and Dexter on a tiny planet that smells like burp breath. The friends have to work together to make it back to their little street where the houses look the same, even as Earth seems farther and farther away.
Your turn
And you know? There’s no time like the present! It would be great to have more examples of these different types of pitches: Feel free to share your one sentence, one paragraph and two paragraph pitches in the comment section!
Need help with your book? I’m available for manuscript edits, query critiques, and coaching!
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Nathan, thanks for the ooportunity to let us post this.
Vultura Highway: 80,000 word crime thriller.
When the DreemWeever headset L.A psychologist Joel Fisher has developed for wealthy Russian investors is stolen by two adventurous stones, he has forty-eight hours to get it back or he dies.
#
When wealthy Russian investors contract L.A psychologist Joel Fischer to develop a device to manipulate minds, the DreemWeever exceeds all expectations. Everything is on track for delivery and a big payday, until two adventurous stoners steal his Dodge Challenger that, unknown to Paul and Luke, contains the DreemWeever in its trunk. Fischer must get it back or face the barbaric consequences of the investors, evidence that ties him to multiple homicides, and most importantly to Fisher, the loss of his own big time Hollywood dreams.
#
L.A. psychologist Joel Fischer has powerful connections, a closet full of skeletons, and a plan that will make him richer than any of his elite clientele. When wealthy investors contract Fischer to develop a device to manipulate minds, the DreemWeever exceeds all expectations. In trials, it causes two women to voluntarily dive forty stories to their death at the Marriott in Times Square.
Everything is on track for delivery and a big payday for Fischer, until two adventurous stoners steal his Dodge Challenger that, unknown to Paul and Luke, contains the DreemWeever in its trunk. Fischer must get it back or face the barbaric consequences of the investors, who've turned out to be more ominous than he expected, evidence that ties him to multiple homicides, and most importantly to Fisher, the loss of his own big time Hollywood dreams.
I'll have a go at it.
Sentence:
High schooler-turned-elf savior Aynah can’t escape her worst enemy—not even by trusting her friends.
One-Paragraph:
High schooler-turned-elf savior Aynah thought that when she left Earth to come back to her native magic world, Ví, her rescuer, would stay with her through thick and thin. Being captured by the man they fled from definitely makes complications, but when they escape, Aynah thinks that is the end of him. When she announces she wants to go back home, she finds he’s back—and he’s brought back by Ví.
Two-Paragraph:
Aynah thinks she’s just your normal high school freshman—maybe just a bit on the short side. But strange guys move into her neighborhood, and she escapes with Ví, the new student, to a world that happens to be her native magical home.
They’re caught by the king that they fled from, and when they escape, Aynah thinks that’s the end of that, even though she’s supposed to be the savior of the magic world. She wants to go back home, but then the king reappears, brought by her best friend, Ví.
Critique?
Great post, Nathan, and I decided to take you up on your challenge to put the various pitches in the comments.
1-Sentence
Janelle Marie LeDuc and Richard Oliver Grayson begin an unusual courtship that led to marriage, but the journey is anything but easy, with time travel, 'old friends,' and, on their wedding trip, a near-kidnapping, amnesia and more, all conspiring to keep them apart.
1-Paragraph
Janelle Marie LeDuc’s father dies of injuries sustained in a lumbering accident, leaving her a well-to-do New Hampshire farm owner in the 1830s. Janelle and Richard Oliver Grayson' begin an unusual courtship that led to marriage a year later. She discovers that her maternal ancestors have unique powers, including time travel. They arrive in 12th-century England where they visit Richard’s ancestors. A return trip devastates Richard – something about his birthright upset him greatly. At their wedding, an 'old friend' tries to prevent the wedding. On their wedding trip, Janelle is nearly kidnapped by a madman, and later, Richard is mugged, resulting in amnesia and an infidelity. Richard is sent into exile, banned from seeing Janelle until after their son’s birth. While they love each other very much, will Richard and Janelle be together, or will their differences and circumstances be more than the relationship can take?
2-Paragraph
Janelle Marie LeDuc’s father dies of injuries sustained in a lumbering accident, leaving her a well-to-do New Hampshire farm owner in the 1830s. As he lay dying, he urges her to find a husband for her own protection. She is devastated by his death, and grieves for months. Richard Oliver Grayson, the youngest son of the English Duke of Devonwood, finds Janelle by her father’s grave and takes her home. Thus began an unusual courtship that led to marriage a year later. She discovers that her maternal ancestors have unique powers. Most were healers, but some, including Janelle, can time travel. The first time Janelle time travels is with Richard, by accident and without knowledge of her powers, early in their courtship. They arrive in 12th-century England where they visit Richard’s ancestors in their castle (and where they make a strange discovery). A return trip devastates Richard – something about his birthright upset him greatly. In addition, the ancestors they’d met previously have all been murdered.
At their wedding, an ‘old friend’ of Richard’s tries to prevent the wedding (avenging the death of a lover), until he meets Rachel, a friend of Janelle’s. On their wedding trip, Janelle is nearly kidnapped by a madman, and later, Richard is mugged, resulting in amnesia and an infidelity. When Janelle became pregnant with their son, both Maura, Janelle’s companion, and Damian, Richard’s father, send Richard into exile, banned from seeing Janelle until after their son’s birth. While they love each other very much, and know there is no other for either of them, will Richard and Janelle be together, as they vowed they would be, or will their differences and circumstances be more than the relationship can take?
Julie Jordan
Rick,
Have you seen the Walter, The Farting Dog books? they're really cute.
I bought one for my grandson. I can't wait to read it to him.
Best,
Tambra
Miriam,
I'd read your book. Your paragraph hooked me.
Best,
Tambra
Okay okay, I never comment, but I had to write a one paragraph summary for an e-mail today, so this was really topical! =D
This is the one paragraph I came up with:
Thomas goes to a psychic as a last ditch effort to find his uncle Paul — not out of any belief in the supernatural, but knowing that Paul once worked for said psychic. Instead of getting the answers he had hoped, Thomas gets a job looking after the psychic's twelve-year-old boy — not a son by blood, but a son nonetheless. Before she's able to track down her wayward ex-employee, the psychic is kidnapped by megalomaniac Andrew Baker, and Thomas takes it upon himself to get her back.
I love your description of Sarah being 'chronically overscheduled', the spaceship being 'sassy' and the pirate being 'nefarious'. I like descriptive writing and these words evoked a plateau of images and meaning for me.
It was really helpful to see what you've done. It was also great to read the pitches of other writers, too. Thanks everyone 🙂
The one liner for my debut novel Dead Frog on the Porch is: Kids can change the world even if it is one frog at a time.
My one 'graph is: Sisters Cyd and Jane are propelled into an international plot involving evil scientists and giant genetically stretched frogs. Will the twins win this hilarious race to save the frog kingdom?
You're right Nathan, you never stop pitching, now that I'm published I'm pitching to schools, the media, conferences, awards, agents, film companies etc. Writers will always have to pitch so might as well get good at it!
More interesting pitches. Heidi J. Johns, your last one (your favorite) IS the best!
Anonymous 4:20 pm, WONDERBAR, not WONDERBRA! The great science fiction lingerie novel has yet to be written. Captain Underpants doesn't count.
My one sentence for a nonfiction mind body spirit wip.
Two thousand years ago I was the disciple Judas, today I’m a plumber with a ute, and the past has caught up with me—the debt collector is an angel, and he’s brought Jesus and His family with him.
EXPAT
One Sentence "Elevator" Pitch:
When the Russian mafia steals an oil company manager’s briefcase containing proprietary exploration documents, he goes undercover as a Russian spy.
One Paragraph:
Ted Klimber, a recent Ivy League graduate, accepts an overseas position with Caspian Oil, a multi-national consortium located in Atyrau, Kazakhstan as their deputy general manager for public relations. When the Russian mafia steals his briefcase containing secret exploration documents, he is fired. Alone and desperate in a foreign land, he will do the unthinkable. Ted will go undercover as a spy to steal as many Russian secrets as possible to leverage his position that is if he doesn’t misconstrue his assignments. Can an inept-spy out-spy the spies and stay alive? The Russian mob is going to kill Ted Klimber a lot. That is if everyone else doesn’t kill him first.
Two Paragraphs:
Luckily, Ted has met a nice Kazakh woman who is the company driver for Caspian Oil. She begins to teach him a few words that may just come in handy during one spy episode where he charades as a Russian diplomat. At a high-level government engagement, sheep’s head is served to the guest of honor: Ted. He must forgo his vegetarian mantra and eat the brain without giving away his cover. When the mafia discovers he is not a real spy they threaten to give him a 44-caliber enema. His only hope for survival will be to blackmail Caspian Oil with their own secret exploration documents.
Great post! And I need to brush up on this since I'm hoping to snag some agent/editor appointments at the July RWA. These are for my contemporary novella HEARTS IN THE DARK:
One sentence: A man and a woman get trapped in a pitch-black elevator for five hours, and have a conversation so engaging it leaves them both wondering if it’s possible to fall for someone they’ve never seen.
One paragraph: Makenna James and Caden Grayson appear to be complete opposites – a buttoned-up professional woman and a heavily tattooed guy in jeans and t-shirts. They never would have interacted had they passed on the street, but now they have no choice: a power outage has trapped them in a pitch-black elevator. As the hours pass, Caden fights his claustrophobia and Makenna distracts him with a conversation so engaging, they both wonder if it’s possible to fall for someone they’ve never seen.
Two paragraph: Makenna James thinks she’s plain, ordinary – and she works as an accountant to boot. Caden Grayson knows he’s anything but – his piercings, tattoos, skull trim, and the obvious head scar from an accident that killed his family stand out and keep people at a distance. They never would have interacted had they passed on the street. But now they have no choice: a power outage has trapped them in a pitch-black elevator.
As minutes turn into hours, a game of Twenty Questions turns into the most engaging conversation of their lives. Makenna can’t believe the deep sense of kinship she develops with this stranger who proves to be kind and sweet despite his tragic losses. Caden is stunned to realize that Makenna’s playful, accepting manner makes it possible for him to control the threatening panic his claustrophobia causes and drop his anti-social façade. As it heats up in the elevator, both find themselves wondering if it’s possible for their hearts and minds to fall for someone their eyes have never seen.
As a copywriter, I find that these "what the book is about" blurbs come easier. Getting that novel to 80,000 words is a little tricky…
One sentence:
A stir-crazy divorcee tries to prove that an ornery cop, also her high school nemesis, is a murderer, not knowing he’s in love with her.
And here are my pitches for my chicklit, THE FANTASY LIFE OF A MIDDLE-AGED WIFE:
One sentence: A middle-aged wife longing for passion in her marriage tries everything and anything to resurrect the connection she and her husband used to have, but when her efforts seem to fail she has to decide whether to accept it or fulfill her needs with someone else.
One paragraph: Middle-aged wife Sasha Brant longs for affection and passion with her husband Jason, so she begins playing out erotic fantasies to remind him of what they used to have. When her efforts don’t seem to have lasting results, Sasha’s hurt and frustration blossom into despair and anger and lead her to consider meeting her needs outside her marriage. Sasha doesn’t want to betray the man she’s loved for her whole adult life, but she can’t help but wonder: Do ‘forty’ and ‘passion’ simply not go together?
Two paragraphs: Anyone would think Sasha Brant had it all: a good guy of a husband, a sweet daughter, lots of friends, and the satisfaction of being her own boss. But Sasha's terrified…of her perfectly amiable but passionless marriage. Sasha appreciates all the good things in her life, but still yearns for the adoring looks, affectionate touches, frequent sex, and multiple orgasms her husband Jason used to give her. So she resolves to change things, and delves into her vivid imagination to satisfy herself while she tries to reignite the spark with her husband by playing out some of those very same fantasies.
When her efforts don't seem to have lasting results, Sasha's hurt and frustration blossom into despair and anger and lead her to consider meeting her needs outside her marriage. The last thing Sasha wants is to hurt or betray the man she’s loved her whole adult life, but she's not sure she can live with never again being looked at, touched, or kissed with need and want. Sasha struggles can't help but wonder: Do 'forty' and 'passion' simply not go together? If only she could find a way to get Jason to remember what they used to have and want it back too….
Okay, here is my exercise for my sci-fi novel EVERY KINGDOM DIVIDED:
One Sentence:
After the Second American Revolution, a doctor from Blue America must venture into the dark heart of The Red States to save his lost love.
One Paragraph:
Jack Pasternak receives a garbled distress call from his fiancée before her transmissions stop altogether. Unfortunately, since the Second American Revolution no Blue citizens are allowed to cross the Red States. Throwing caution to the wind, Jack hops into an old-fashioned petroleum-fueled convertible and takes off across a continent of dangers to save the woman he loves.
Two Paragraphs:
Jack Pasternak, a laid-back California doctor, receives a garbled distress call from his fiancée in Maryland before her transmissions stop altogether. Unfortunately, citizens of the Blue States are no longer allowed to cross Red America ever since the Second American Revolution began. Jack is faced with an impossible choice: ignore his one true love or risk life and sanity by venturing into the dark heart of the Red States.
When the armies of the Mexican reconquista come marching into Los Angeles, Jack’s hand is forced and he reluctantly heads east. The journey itself is dangerous enough, as Jack will face disputed war zones, the independent Mormon State of Deseret, and the entire enemy nation of Red America. However, his foolhardy journey turns into an impossible crusade when he picks up a hitch-hiker who turns out to be the Red President’s daughter and he learns that Daddy is very eager to get her back.
Awesome post as always. I'm still working on the pitches for my memoir wip, and this helps! They still need a lot of work, but here's what I've got so far:
1 sentence: After blowing off college to volunteer in Africa, I struggle with the internal conflict of whether foreign volunteers are actually helping or hurting in their efforts to make a difference.
1 paragraph: The year I turned twenty, I blew off college, waved goodbye to my family, and hopped on a plane to West Africa. My goals were to save Africa, find God, and show the world, my parents, and myself how unselfish I was. After watching and participating in ineffective attempts to teach 10 preschoolers whose English is limited to “see, pencil broken,” I struggle with the internal conflict of whether my volunteering is actually making a difference.
Two paragraph: The year I turned twenty, I blew off college, waved goodbye to my family, and hopped on a plane to West Africa. My goals were to save Africa, find God, and show the world, my parents, and myself how unselfish I was. I figured I could do it all in four months.
Based on my first volunteer trip to Ghana, The Stars are Plenty chronicles the international volunteer journey from idealism to despair to regained hope and explores the question of whether volunteers worldwide–including myself– are actually “making a difference.” From hilarious marriage proposals by 14-year-old bike riders to accidental hitch hiking into the capital of the Asante kingdom to the frustrations of teaching 10 preschoolers whose English is limited to “see, pencil broken,” it is an honest look at the popular volunteering-meets-tourism experience set in this heart-wrenching and beautiful African nation.
Laura Kaye: Hearts in the Dark is a book I would definitely pick up at the bookstore(or for my Kindle)…
Oh God! This is the first time I have attempted a pitch like this. Here goes nothing!
One sentence pitch:
Mortal Isabella and stepbrother Nicholas, a half-mortal, are separated when Belle is kidnapped by the secret Han and they must find their way back to each other through the aegis of a message woven into a cloth of silk and paper and the assistance of the eldritch of Eirie.
One paragraph:
Isabella is a mortal woman who is kidnapped by agents from the secretive Han province. Her stepbrother, a half-mortal Nicholas, became mute at the time of her kidnap. In order to find her and break the curse that has made him mute, he must decipher a message in a bolt of cloth and begin a journey across the enchanted world of Eirie in which they both lives. Whilst he is searching, Isabella is trying to escape the Han with the help of the imperial heir and the eldritch Fox Lady.
Two paragraphs:
Nicholas is a half mortal who grew to adulthood in the uncomfortable knowledge that as a babe, his parents left him with another family. Isabella, his mortal stepsister, is a confident, somewhat arrogant beauty for whom the world frequently stops spinning. When she is kidnapped by the Han she must re-configure herself in order to escape. Nicholas is cursed at the time of her kidnap and must begin his own journey of self-discovery as he seeks his stepsister.
Belle weaves a cloth of silk and paper called Shifu which contains directions for Nico, should the fabric find its way to their home. The two travel over different paths toward each other with the help of the eldritch Others who inhabit Eirie. When Isabella and Nicholas eventually re-discover each other, life will never be the same as Nicholas is forced to make a choice that will remove him forever from the living world.
I've spent the last two hours re-writing a single sentence. Thanks for the example and the prod, Nathan.
After reading my latest draft of the sentence to my husband I got a blank stare, but when I read him Nathan's I got "Now that's good." I guess that's why you do what you do!
If I come up with a satisfactory one by the wee hours I'll post it…
Alright, here goes:
Sentence–It's about twin 13 year-olds who're the black sheep of the magic world, but they can clear their family name and save their loved ones if they can find a way to outsmart the demon who's scheming to destroy the world in two weeks time on Halloween night.
Two (longish?) Paragraphs–Josh and Liz Raven are 13-year-old magicians, but when it comes to the control of magic, they’re toddlers taking their first tumbles. When a sinister car accident robs their mother of all memory of her kids, the Raven twins discover that the family portal is leaking magic and a demon is taking shape in their neighborhood. With the help of their newfound magic and the family farm of freakish creatures, the twins might stand a chance against a regular demon–but this is Veta Rashon, the most powerful and dreaded demon to ever set his sights on earth, and he intends to rip open the Raven portal and flood the world with demon-kind.
Thanks to the scheming of a Raven ancestor who left a stain on the family name, Josh and Liz will get no help from the Magician’s Enclave. With no idea who they can trust or even what they dare tell each other, Josh and Liz have less than a fortnight before Halloween and their school’s Haunted Hall party–to which Veta Rashon just may have procured an invitation. Will the twins accept their Raven heritage, and will they keep the demons from turning Halloween into a night of nightmares?
Thanks for the nudge, Nathan! I'll be querying just as soon as I've cleaned up the synopsis, so it was time I got this done.
Ack! Thanks a lot, Nathan. My OCD writerly brain has just blown two hours trying to write a single sentence, and now I have to get up early and go to work tomorrow.
I love your blog, but I don't think I should read it before bedtime. :p
Pitches for The Thought Shapers
Can you please help me decide between the first two one sentence pitches? And do you think evil genius works, or is it too cliche?
One sentence:
Pandora searches for her true identity in a near future world controlled by reality TV.
Or:
When all that is ‘real and true’ is transmitted to you via your TV screen, how do you learn to think for yourself?
One para:
In Citereal, where everyone must watch endless reality shows and reading books is banned, Pandora is encouraged by her adoptive mother to have her own ideas. When she fails her exam on the ‘Citizenship Challenge’ TV quiz show, she knows she will be exiled, if she survives. She has no idea what lies beyond the city, but threatened with imprisonment and torture, she escapes with Darius, the quiz show host and evil genius behind REAL TV in pursuit. Will she discover in time that she can change reality through thoughts and imagination?
Two para:
In Citereal, where everyone must watch endless reality shows and reading books is banned, Pandora is encouraged by her adoptive mother to have her own ideas. When she fails her exam on the ‘Citizenship Challenge’ TV quiz show, she knows she will be exiled, if she survives.
Darius, the quiz show host, and the man behind REAL TV, tests her DNA and finds she is a thought shaper who could end his oppressive regime. She has no idea what lies beyond the city and no one can tell her anything about her past, but threatened with imprisonment and torture, she escapes with Darius in pursuit. Will she discover in time that she can change reality through thoughts and imagination?
Another excellent post!
Thanks for sharing, Nathan 🙂
I'd go a step further: write the pitch before you write the book (yes, of course you can change it later!). There's nothing like distilling a big idea into a small number of words to organise your thoughts. If you can't do that, are you sure you're ready to start writing?
@Tricia: I prefer the first one. It's more specific and clear about what the novel's premise. It's also interesting. I don't think rhetorical questions are good for a 1 sentence hook, I know that they're horrible to start qureries with according to the Shark.
Thanks, Mesmerix – very helpful. I have the rhetorical question as one part of the query letter, with the other parts being a paragraph about the book, favourable peer reviews, and one para about me. Perhaps I should take it out.
"chronically overscheduled." GAH – I *love* that. Brillz!
@Tricia: You have to do what you think is best. I don't claim to be an expert, I only reiterate the things the Query Shark, Janet Reid, talks about in her blog. Check it out if you haven't, I find it very helpful: https://queryshark.blogspot.com/
Hey, great and timely topic Nathan! I did this just last week to get ready for a new round of queries:
–Venetian smugglers double-cross both the Roman Church and the Byzantine Empire to capture the mummified, headless corpse of Saint Mark the Evangelist.
Here's my one sentence, one paragraph, two paragraph pitch. Love to hear what ya'll think, especially you, Nathan…;o)
One Sentence: When Jesus first came to revolutionize Judaism and to tell people that organized religion was unnecessary to reach God and attain immortality – He failed.
One Paragraph: Jesus has returned, from a parallel universe, to correct the mistakes generated by his first visit. He seeks to stop a religiously incited nuclear war and to find three ancient documents that disprove the Bible’s accuracy and Christianity’s dogma. Disarming the entire worlds’ nuclear arsenals is easy. The second task proves to be much more difficult.
Two Paragraphs: The world’s power brokers are less than welcoming when Jesus announces his return. He intends to change how people think about God and set them free from the fear that religion, government and corporations have used to enslave people for thousands of years. Allied by three disciples, selected for their latent paranormal abilities and past incarnations, Jesus searches for three ancient documents that will lay bare the misinterpretations of the Bible and upend Christianity.
Around the globe, Jesus and his followers avoid one trap after another. The Pope wants him discredited or eliminated – whichever comes first. The FBI is hunting him as a terrorist and the CIA want to experiment with his supernatural abilities. Carl Eagle, like Jesus, is a being from a parallel universe, intent upon world domination and Jesus’ greatest enemy. Jesus gets the documents, but before He can release their message to the world, He is wounded and a terrorist ignites a bomb in Jerusalem. Jesus has to return to his world or die and this world explodes into World War Three.
Stalker Gray is an epic fantasy about a woman waging war against a god who plucked out her eyes.
I realized I only gave character and no more. Still haven't got the plot boiled down to one sentence. I can elevator pitch it…just not in a single sentence. And even that single sentence is a handful….
Carl H. Petnoy is old, frail, longing for a retirement that seems will never come, and a werewolf with the Chinese mafia, an estranged daughter, New York City Homicide, and a dimwitted but persistent dogcatcher all on his tail.
A girl and her beagle embark on a journey to a dystopian land ruled by an eccentric ghost.
An insecure 7th grader named Racer tours the Kremlin Museum and discovers a hidden portal to a terrifying dystopian land called Fabrussiana. Racer unlocks a magical carriage and travels to Fabrussiana where she and her beagle Buddy crash and must find a way back. Three animals offer guidance through the dark forest, which is ruled by the eccentric ghost Vwoolf Von Vlad Hounzer.
The iron-fisted apparition seeks revenge for his 1917 murder by turncoats who fed him poisoned cake. Vwoolf rages through the towns and countryside searching for the last remaining Romanov Egg – an egg purported to hold the key to immortality. When Buddy is dognapped, Racer and her new friends must locate the egg, rescue the beagle and defeat the villain.
https://www.adventuresofracerandbuddy.blogspot.com
Great Post, Nathan. I'm still working with my editor on final changes to my novel, but my pitch needed a makeover. Your blog post helped.
One sentence Pitch:
Sophia searches to cure the haunting noise in her mind, but instead finds information on an ancestor's missing body.
One paragraph:
Sophia wants to stop the noise in her mind. After a failed attempt to garner help from Mother Nature, she searches the attic for information on what is causing her affliction. Instead she finds a document from the Salem Witch Trials, revealing an ancestor's body went missing after she was hanged. Sophia's life will be at risk if she can't uncover this woman's true identity.
Two paragraph:
After a window-side ritual, the noise that has haunted Sophia all her life turns to whispering voices. Thinking she's gone off her rocker, she begins a search for a cure, only to reveal a family legacy dating back to the Salem Witch Trials. Her ancestor's body went missing after hanging, and Sophia's life is in danger if she can't uncover this woman's true identity.
Charles has been following Sophia. He may be all wrong for her, or he may be the one she's meant to be with. But his family carries a dangerous secret she must protect. The deeper into this dark world she stumbles, the more dangerous the connections become. The secrets she keeps are soon discovered by those responsible for a genocide that spans centuries. Sophia needs to uncover the secret of her ancestor in time to save those she loves.
https://rebecca-hamilton.com/
Twitter: @inkmuse
Thanks for the assignment: very helpful to someone who's just starting out! Here's my one sentence:
Betrayed years ago when her father left, 18 year old Dianna Latham stumbles into the only type of relationship that feels safe — a fictional one — only to discover that reality hides in the most unexpected places.
My pitches are written below. When reading them please keep in mind that I am three chapters away from completing the first draft of my novel.
I'm sure my pitch will change after my WIP has been revised. However, I hope the feedback I receive here will help me to polish it.
One Sentence Pitch: My story is based on a plot that begins with a prophecy in the sixteenth-century Mayan jungle, and ends in the White House during the twenty-first century.
One Paragraph Pitch: Deep in the Yucatán in 1562, a Mayan High Priest is instructed by the gods to entrust a sacred prophecy to Spanish Conquistador, Domingo Mendoza. With the assistance of an angel, the Mendoza family protects the prophecy for more than four-hundred and fifty years. In 2010, Soledad Mendoza inherits the prophecy following her father's murder. In a race against time, the angel must help Soledad uncover her destiny before diabolical forces can achieve their goal to take over the White House, then the world.
Two Paragraph Pitch: Deep in the Yucatán in 1562, a Mayan High Priest is instructed by the gods to entrust a sacred prophecy to Spanish Conquistador, Domingo Mendoza. With the assistance of an angel, the Mendoza family protects the prophecy for the next four-hundred and fifty years.
Following her father's murder in 2010, Soledad Mendoza inherits the prophecy and his journal. After reading the her father’s entries, Soledad realizes the prophecy does more than foretell an apocalyptic event, it holds the secret to stopping it. In a race against time, the angel must help Soledad uncover her destiny before diabolical forces can achieve their goal, to take over the White House, then the world.
This was easier than I thought it would be:
One sentence
A farmboy discovers he can use magic, and is charged by the voice in his head to destroy the system that keeps people like him under control, while fighting off his own growing insanity.
One paragraph
Isem Alder discovers he can channel a power known as the Madness when he burns a man alive in a fight. It is then that he discovers the secrets of the Madmen like himself, and the Quis who hold power over them. A voice in his head, professing to be the Madness itself, charges him to destroy the Quis and free the Madmen. Isem must learn to control his power – and retain his sanity – and defeat the Quis while being hunted by a mysterious woman in white.
Two paragraphs
The Madness isn't supposed to be sentient. It's nothing but a source of power that Madmen can use. But after Isem Alder proves he can use this power – by burning a man alive in a fight – he starts to hear a voice in his head that claims to be the Madness itself.
Isem is brought to the Asylum by the Quis, as all Madmen are, to be kept under their watchful eye. It is there that he is charged by the Madness with freeing the Madmen from the control of the Quis. To do this, he has to escape the Asylum, gather an army, march on the best trained military force the world knows, fight off a mysterious woman who is immune to his powers, and struggle against his own approaching insanity.
I'm late to the conversation here, but I boiled down the basics of what your pitches offer up, and it was helpful for me:
One sentence pitch – no character explanation at all! It's just plot, and you could even go so far as to say it's not plot so much as it is a snappy way to express the situation of the novel.
One paragraph pitch – here you can give character names, express the plot where you explain actual conflict, name an antagonist or whatever hurdle the main character has to leap, as well as offer some setting.
Two paragraph pitch – now we even get the main character's background! plus similar plot explanation but with just a touch more detail to spice it up. The antagonist gets similar spicing up too.
Naturally, it's a question of depth. One sentence offers the situation/concept of the novel. The one & two paragraph pitches give character & plot details, each to greater depth as the length affords.
I like to have the concepts behind me before I dig into the work. So now…I may actually have a way to boil down the one line pitch. Thanks Nathan, this post was superhelpful.
Cheers.
(which is not to say this would be the only way of going about building the pitches, but it's a nice beginning…)
I've always had trouble pitching. https://inkpop.com/profile/me/
Thanks, J. T. Shea! I'm still pretty partial to my original one sentence pitch (even though it has almost no plot in it)!
Thanks, Nathan, for this exercise. It was very helpful!
Off to send more queries….
Songs from the Other Side of the Wall. In a sentence:
Murakami's Norwegian Wood, set in post-communist Hungary.
In a paragraph:
After her mother walks out and returns to England when she's just a week old, Szandi grows up on the vineyard in Hungary that has been in her family for 300 years. Now 18, Szandi is part of Budapest’s cosmopolitan art scene, sharing a flat and a bohemian lifestyle with her lover and fellow sculptress, Yang. She has finally found her place in the world. When she discovers that her father has only weeks to live, Szandi must choose once and for all: between the past and the present; between East and West; between her family and her lover.
In two paragraphs:
After her mother walks out and returns to England when she's just a week old, Szandi grows up on the vineyard in Hungary that has been in her family for 300 years. Now 18, Szandi is part of Budapest’s cosmopolitan art scene, sharing a flat and a bohemian lifestyle with her lover and fellow sculptress, Yang. She has finally found her place in the world. When she discovers that her father has only weeks to live, Szandi must choose once and for all: between the past and the present; between East and West; between her family and her lover.
Songs from the Other Side of the Wall is a coming of age story that inhabits anti-capitalist chatrooms and ancient wine cellars, seedy bars and dreaming spires; and takes us on a remarkable journey across Europe and cyberspace in the company of rock stars and dropouts, diaries that appear from nowhere, a telepathic fashion mogul, and the talking statue of a bull.
I know the one sentence pitch is necessary, but the thought of it makes me want to go and cry in a dark corner somewhere. 😛
Summarizing gives me hives. People always want to know what your book is about but if you don't tell them it's a memoir about your alcoholic mother or a fictional story about two boys growing up in Mumbai (i.e. Oprah sticker books) their eyes get a little funny.
Much better is talking to people who actually read, but we're getting rarer all the time.
Ooo, Dan, I would read that… I loved Norwegian Wood. I do wonder though why she can't return to her life after her father dies. Does she have to support the family or something? I guess in Murakami the problems are always more psychological than anything else.
Here's my one sentence pitch for my YA fantasy with a working title of Ghosthand.
Seventeen-year-old Olivia Black has done just fine handling her rare birth defect, an ethereal ghosthand where her fleshly right hand should be, but when a handsome new transfer from the city sits next to her in Algebra class, Olivia's hand starts reaching into people and pulling very strange things out.
Just a thought. I'm noticing that when people use "teen" or "middle-aged woman" or a similar vague describer in their pitch, it turns me off. Give your character their name, even in the one sentence pitch. IMO.
Ripley Patton
Two women in their sixties- one divorced, one widowed- travel back in time form Los Angeles in 2012 to London in 1969 and find love – one old, one new.
TV series pitch: A physic Matchmaker who is right 90% of the time
mid grade novel pitch: “Tasha, The Magnificent” is a story about Tasha and her best friend Izzy, two fifth grade girls, who want to be different than they are and seek magic as a way to make it happen.
This is really timely and helpful. Thank you.
Reading your one sentence and reading others bravely posted and comparing, makes it much clearer why mine doesn't yet work.
You summarise the ACTION, STRUCTURE and PLOT in one sentence. Trigger, Consequence, Quest.
Others, mine included, are too descriptive. What is it about, really asks, what happens and why?
Nathan, this is an awesome post and your pitches are great! I'm still working on my one paragraph and two paragraph pitches, myself; however, I have settled on my one sentence pitch. Here it is!
A fifteen-year old boy discovers his dead parents are alive and living within a magical world, and must sacrifice his best friend and the girl he loves in order to find them and return home.