As promised, today marks the launch of the first page critique(!), wherein we try to pin down what makes good writing good. Bear with me as I tinker with the format of this feature, and I will likely adjust on the fly as conditions warrant.
For our trial run, here’s how this will work:
1. The first person to enter a 250 word excerpt from the beginning of their novel in the comment section will win the critique. UPDATE: Submissions closed!
2. I will update the post with the excerpt, unedited, so we can all read and form our opinions.
3. I will later update the post again with the excerpt now featuring my redlines, thoughts, comments, drawrings, emoticons, and assorted other marginalia (but really only redlines, thoughts, and comments)
4. Feel free to add your own two cents, but remember the sandwich method: positive, extremely polite constructive criticism (and I mean it), positive. I’ve decreed you need to read and heed this creed or I’ll proceed to make you bleed. Indeed.
Here we go!
UPDATE #1: THE EXCERPT
Here is the excerpt for critique (trimmed to meet the 250 word rule). I’ll be back later with a redlined update, and in case you don’t want to hit refresh, you can follow me on Twitter and I’ll be Tweeting when the critique is posted. In the meantime, feel free to add your own thoughts.
There it was. The twitch. He was readying for an attack. Backhand, probably, from the position of his arm. He could easily swing it around to a forehand punch but my reflexes were faster, more finely tuned. I could block him with little effort, duck down and spin while kicking my leg out. He’d be on the ground in moments.
I wanted to grin, but I held back. I had him again.
“I love you,” he said. His sideways grin usually melted my insides, but not now. I refused to look at his face while I was sparring. I couldn’t believe he’d think that would work on me. My toes dug into the dirt floor. I wouldn’t lose my grip, not now.
Ryoko’s hand flew and the scene played out just as I thought it would. He fell to the floor, landing on his back and his arms jerked out to the sides, slapping on the ground first to protect his back from a hard landing.
I giggled, seeing his eyes close and tighten. Frustration took over. After all these years, he still had a hard time believing a girl could beat him. Lucky for him, no one had ever seen. Girls weren’t allowed to fight, especially not an adoptee like myself. Technically he wasn’t allowed to fight either, but since he was adopted by the arms master, he was given some leeway to assist with training.
“Why do you insist on torturing me, Sinna?” he asked.
UPDATE #2: MY CRITIQUE
Thanks so much to Michelle for offering her page for critique! Sorry for throwing everyone for a loop by asking for 250 pages in the original post. Now that would have been some critique!
I think this is an engaging opening and even though it’s an opening action scene, the back and forth is easy to follow. That’s tricky to pull off and it’s handled well. I also like that we’re learning about the characters and their relationship through action, which is also good – we can learn a lot about the characters right off the bat.
There are two main points of critique I’d offer:
1) Mystery – While I like that we’re left wanting to know more about these characters, I worry that this opening might be just a little too coy with key details. Where are they? Who are they? What are they doing? There are only the barest of clues. Even with the caveat that this is just the first 250 words and there is surely more to come, there are very few details to ground the reader in this world, and the details we do get don’t quite illustrate the bigger things we need to know.
On the one hand, while you hear often that you want to leave people wanting to know more with your opening, there’s a fine line between creating mystery and withholding details from the reader that they feel like they need in order to process the story. All mystery is withholding of information, but a basic (and oft-excepted) rule of thumb is that the reader should at least be able to see/know what your protagonist can see/know. If you’re creating mystery through omission it’s difficult to establish the Authority that Ink was talking about yesterday in his comment – if the reader feels like you’re holding out on them they may have some reservations about going on a long voyage with you.
All doesn’t need to be revealed right off the bat and I don’t think this is an overly coy, but a little more establishing detail would give the reader a bit more of a sense of grounding in this world and establish trust that the author is giving them enough information to go on.
2) Dialogue – While I think the dynamic between the characters is interesting and there’s obviously something between them, I worry that the dialogue feels a tad over the top and think there may be a missed opportunity to show a bit more characterization. It’s early in the book for a character to be making grand pronouncements like “I love you” and “why do you insist on torturing me” before the reader really has the context to assess whether they’re sincere, and I don’t know that there are quite enough narrative clues to give a sense of whether these words are tactics or truth (or both).
These two snippets of dialogue also sound like lines we’ve heard before in other stories, so it’s a missed opportunity to show how Ryoko is unique. What is his personality, and could his words better reflect who he is?
But overall I like the idea behind this section and think with a bit more establishing detail and more insight into Ryoko’s personality and their dynamic I think this will be an even more engaging opening.
REDLINE
There it was. The twitch. He was readying for an attack. While I think most of the details are strong, “readying for an attack” feels imprecise since they seem to be sparring/fighting. Aren’t they both readying for an attack? Backhand, probably, from the position of his arm. He could easily swing it around to a forehand punch but my reflexes were faster, more finely tuned. I could block him with little effort, duck down and spin while kicking my leg out. He’d be on the ground in moments. There are some tense inconsistencies in this paragraph and throughout (“there it was,” “was readying” in the past, “could easily swing,” “could block” in the present)
I wanted to grin, but I held back. I had him again.
“I love you,” he said. I like that he seems to be trying to distract her, but wonder if this is a missed opportunity to use unique dialogue to do so, which could reveal more about their relationship and respective personalities. His sideways grin I like the image of a “sideways grin.” usually melted my insides, but not now. I refused to look at his face while I was sparring. I couldn’t believe he’d think that would work on me. My toes dug into the dirt floor. Good detail I wouldn’t lose my grip, not now.
Ryoko’s hand flew and the scene played out just as I thought it would. He fell to the floor, landing on his back and his arms jerked out to the sides, slapping on the ground first to protect his back from a hard landing. I was just a bit confused about the mechanics of this – if he’s landing on his back with his arms splayed out how does he slap the ground and protect himself?
I giggled, seeing his eyes close and tighten. Frustration took over. After all these years, he still had a hard time believing a girl could beat him. Lucky for him, no one had ever seen. I think there’s a word missing here Girls weren’t allowed to fight, especially not an adoptee like myself. Intriguing detail. Technically he wasn’t allowed to fight either, but since he was adopted by the arms master, he was given some leeway to assist with training. This though feels a bit coy to me – we’re learning the rules of who is allowed to fight before we really know much about the world. It’s a bit like we’re learning laws before we know what country we’re in, if that makes sense.
“Why do you insist on torturing me, Sinna?” he asked. I wonder if more could be done with this line to show Ryoko with more of a unique personality.
Just to back up some of the other comments, Ryoko is a very common Japanese girl's name. There are a number of famous Ryokos as well, both real and fictional, including a 2-time Judo Olympic gold medalist. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ryoko)
However, I'm fascinated that the author came up with the name independently for a guy.
As for the story, I don't know what this says about my gender bias, but when I was reading this for the first time and got to the "I love you", my first thought was, "Oh, could this be a gay couple? That could be interesting." And then I saw the name "Ryoko", which signaled a girl to me, and I completely stalled out, thinking I'd missed something. It took me a while to move on and come to the conclusion that it was meant to be a boy's name. So, for me, at least, a bit more on the characters earlier on would have been nice. Maybe have him drop her name in the "I love you" line or something?
Other than that, I thought it was a fun opening. I've practiced a bit of martial arts and I liked the details of the sparring. And the character details also painted a nice picture, once I got their genders figured out. 😉
Nathan this is BRILLIANT!!
Its great to see your perspective on others' work, I hope this becomes a regular thing??
Even from looking at just 250 words, i think we can all learn so much!!
I simply cannot get over how informative all of these posts have been. Thank you SO MUCH!
Boo – I got this email like 15 minutes ago (not counting load up time) and there's already 50+ comments. Satellite connection sucks sometimes.
Michelle, wonderful start.
Although the details are fuzzy in my mind, I thought the -ko ending represents a girl's name in Japan. But really, I don't know.
Your story sounds fun and action packed.
TCM
Michelle,
I wanted to add one more thing. I should have mentioned this earlier. Even though I critiqued your excerpt, I thought your writing was so good overall, I originally forgot that Nathan had mentioned he was critiquing the first excerpt posted. As I read your excerpt, I was originally wondering how many submissions Nathan had read before choosing one with such good writing. Kudos to you – for your talent and the courage to offer an excerpt for public critique!
Nathan – FYI, slapping the hands absorbs the impact – it works. For the entry, I would recommend backing off from the intimate view, just a bit. Rather than concentrating on twitches and toes, that is.
Nathan –I LOVE this addition to your blog! Do it again! Do it again!
Michelle – Thank you for your willingness to let us all learn from your story.
I liked how you got right into the action and was impressed with some of the descriptions you used. My fighting/sparring scenes seem to come out like a modified Old MacDonald’s song (with a punch-punch here and a punch-punch there) so kudos for your take on the scene. BTW – the ground slapping made sense to me. =)
I’m afraid I was thinking tennis when I first read the opening paragraph (backhand, forehand, position of his arm). Some others have given great suggestions on word choice that could address that issue. The “I love you” also threw me off. It seemed like a good distraction to Sinna but I wasn’t quite sure what type of distraction it was for her. I wish I had more information about the characters so I could know whether Ryoko was being flirty, mischievous, or just obnoxious.
I really was intrigued by the end of the passage. The idea of them being adoptees made me interested in finding out their stories and what happens to them. You also piqued my interest in their world that did not allow girls to fight.
Nathan- think this will be a great regular feature. Would it be possible to get a title and genre on future page critiques?
Michelle- Color me impressed. 🙂 I thought this was strong. The martial arts were very clear to me, but I sit spectator to my son's akido classes twice a week.
There's nothing wrong with the dialogue, but I agree it would be stronger if it revealed more of Ryoko's individual character.
I'd also look at involving your main character in your first line. "There it is" tells me nothing, but something like "I was waiting for it" or "I watched for it" or even "I knew his tell" puts me in Sinna's head from the start.
Thanks for being the guinea pig, Michelle. It's a high bar to shoot for and I'd definitely like to read more.
This was good. I enjoyed it more than I thought I would.
I am a total nobody.
A simple read-a-holic who for whatever reason enjoys Nathan's writing style so he holds court my list of the most random bloggs ever accumulated. I have zero professional advice to offer. What I do want to say is… I would so TOTALLY read this!! I just LOVED that she said "I Love You" right off the bat. I was thinking "What? Why?" and then you cut me off after 250 words. Grrr. I tend towards books with action, a strong female protagonist and it has to have some sort of romantic interest in it.- You nailed everyone before a toddler would have time to distract me. I typically can't stand the first book in a series much less the first hundered pages of world building, but you had me. I want to know more. I know you didn't offer it up for professional scrutiny to hear that it was perfect. You want refinement. I just figured it might also be nice to hear "kudos". I really enjoy your voice. Good luck!
This has been such an amazing experience for me today. Nathan Bransford hit gold with this idea.
I wonder if my printer will die when I try printing all of these out? I appreciate each and every comment and promise to bring them into consideration when I begin revision. I'm about halfway through writing the book as of today.
Michelle R – don't ever call yourself a nobody. All readers are awesome simply because they read.
Great exercise! I think most everything I wanted to say has been already, although I seemed to figure out the setting more quickly than others. ("Ryoko" made me think Japan (although I too was confused because it's a female name), which, combined with the descriptions of their actions, made me think they were sparring in hand-to-hand combat.)
I can't wait to see more of these!
Fantastic addition to the blog, Nathan. Can see this becoming like the radio contest, though, everybody waiting at their keyboards to be first to "ring" in with their page. Maybe pick random intervals between events, and then mix it up by calling for the 7th entry or the 3rd.
Michelle- I liked the writing and agree with everything that's been said.
I imagined hand to hand combat, I thought I must have missed something when I read the sword comment.
Thanks Nathan, this kind of post is most helpful
Excellent opening, Michelle. I disagree with Nathan and others regarding adding more details. In reading this first 250 words without a blurb or any other info we are in a unique position. No other reader (agent, publisher or critic) will have such a limited view of the story. So far, I feel ready to trust Michelle to reveal details in an order and at a pace of her choosing.
Like Josin, I first thought of tennis, but didn't mind when that turned out wrong. As for the tense inconsistencies Nathan flagged, there is indeed a variation in tense as Sinna goes back into her own internalizations at the time of the bout, but it still hangs together for me and I could not see a way to improve it. 'Readying for an attack' I took to mean readying TO attack rather than readying to defend against an attack. Unlike Ishta, I did not take 'Frustration took over.' as a change from Sinna's to Ryoko's point of view but as Sinna surmising Ryoko's frustration from her observations of him.
All told, thanks to Michelle and the others for the pages, and to Nathan and everyone for their critiques.
I just wanted to say that you're awesome for doing this. 🙂
That's it! I'm releasing my mutant, flying weremonkeys. That's 3 times I have missed a critique opportunity just because I live on the other side of the world. Grrr! Oh well, guess I'll have to stay up 'til the wee hours of the morning to grab my chance. But seriously, thanks for all the advice and entertainment you have provided, Nathan. And congrats to Michelle. Great stuff.
I read your work first, Michelle, and couldn't detect anything wrong, and was impressed with the flow and precision of the prose. Then I read Nathan's criticism and thought it very sensitive. I guess it would take the scene to a higher level if every detail was more sensitively attuned to the situation and personality of the characters. This is something that takes immense concentration, and I realise I haven't given my own work such a degree of focus.
Something to think about and aim for. But well done! I think you've got an intriguing story that has caught everyone's interest.
Ignore the tennis comments. You said attack, which calls to mind fighting of some sort much more than sports.
Congratulations to Michelle for snatching this golden opportunity! I found the writing quite engaging and some good promise for an interesting premise.
Being a sucker for a solid scene set up, I would have liked more of it right at the beginning of the novel. If the relationship between the two characters is to be the driving force of the action or the plot, there is an opportunity to develop this after 'The twitch' — sounds like a code of sorts that might signify more than is pictured in the first lines. Perhaps 'the twitch' reminds Sinna of another encounter with Ryoko or of something (an event or a milestone) in her personal past. A few well thought out sentences inserted here could make the character of Sinna bloom for the reader.
I concur with Nathan's comments on the dialogue, it could be freshened up a bit. I'd also like to see more dialogue instead of being so much in her head — this being a fighting scene, hence dynamic; Sinna ought to be engaging/taunting Ryoko with her mind as well as her body.
Some things that slowed down my reading experience a tad: 'melted my insides' — if the writing targets a younger audience, it might work well enough, just reads cliche to me. 'Giggled' doesn't seem to fit in a fight scene with the participants expected to focus keenly on every aspect of themselves and their opponent. 'Ryoko's hand flew'– maybe a better word for 'flew'? The transition from Sinna's giggling moment to a state of frustration seems a bit forced — there should be something in between.
Overall a good read and definitely shinable with a bit more work.
Thanks for posting, and as always my hat off to Nathan for this very thoughtful and valuable experiment.
Great action opening,though I too first thought of tennis. Since it's fantasy, why not create a fantasy name for "Ryoko", rather than such an easily identifiable Japanese one?
Agree with Nathan's critique–and many of the others. Did have some confusion over changing POV, but not a major problem with a little re-write. I feel this is YA because of the reference to girls as opposed to women, yet phrases such as "after all these years" make me think the two are not so young(?) In any event, great beginning, Michelle, and many thanks.
Nice job, Michelle. Nathan made your good beginning even better.
The only thing I didn't agree with was the slapping of the ground. I don't do martial arts but I understood that part.
Yes, names that end in -ko are female in Japanese.
Great idea, Nathan. It will be fun to see this exercise often.
Nathan, thanks for this terrific, practical feature. And Michelle, best of luck to you.
This is great, Nathan. I just hope you will vary the times of day that you open these up, so that those of us in odd time zones might be able to have a shot at it.
Note that slapping on the ground is common in martial arts training. They say it's to use up momentum and make the fall less severe (it isn't – I'm a physicist and that's BS), but doing so makes it almost impossible to try to land on a joint like your hands (natural tendency when you fall to break it with hands) which can result in broken bones. Falling on elbows, hands, hips (in fact any joint) or the head is bad.
The slap ensures you land on a large surface area (your back) and is standard practice in sparring in all types of martial arts from judo to karate. Note that they are also trained to land on their back falling backwards or forwards.
I liked the scene, by the way.
Nathan – brilliant idea 🙂
Michelle – this is a great first draft. Tennis never entered my thoughts! I thought they were fighting from the outset, and picked up on the martial art movements.
I did have to do double-read on the first couple of lines. I thought it was third person at first and then realised it was first person, and had to re-read to put my head in the right character. But I reread a lot of published authors first paragraphs all the time!
I was uncomfortable with the word "readying" in the first para. And her giggling as well – it lent her an immaturity (for me) and I thought "laughed" would be a stronger word and indicate maturity.
Like lots of the ladies commenting, I liked the "I love you" – it's a female hook, lol!
With all the great comments above, you'll have a cracking first 250 words in no time *grin*
Again, I really liked your style and voice. It's my genre and I'd read on 🙂
Great new service, Nathan! But the sandwich method is so over-rated, who thought that up 😉
On the first read, I liked this. On the second read, I picked up more nuances of the relationship between the characters and liked it more.
I like the use of fragments in the opening paragraph, it makes it terse and sets a good tone for the quick back and forth movements in a fight.
A couple points of note:
There's a mix of active and passive voice. When I read the first three lines, the repeated "was" made me leery that there would be too much passive voice; opening with it is daring, but the action in the story helps balance it out and you seem to use it with confidence and purpose.
Also in the opening few paragraphs, you use pronouns before the proper nous to which they refer…it/twitch, and he/him/Ryoko. It works here, but I would be curious to read more and make sure this is a well-placed break in the rules, done for voice and effect, and not a consistent tic in your writing.
Thanks Michelle for sharing your writing, good luck!
Really appreciate this. Now I'm getting some insight into what agents mean by "the writings not there yet."
I read it and saw little things, but then I read your redlined comments…and I'm like –Good Point.
Thanks Nathan for doing this. And thank you Michelle for sharing. 🙂
Looking forward to more.
I live in the GTA so I follow EST, but I'm a stay-at-home mom with scant (and irregular) time to check in during the day. My odds of ever being able to post for this are slim-to-none already, but if posts are at a regular time, I can at least plan ahead to be available and at the computer. If the time of posting is randomly switched around every time, those odds will get even smaller, and it will be a total crapshoot. I feel like my only option is the "wait at the computer, fingers and cut-and-paste at the ready, at the usual time" option; otherwise, I'll have to satisfy myself with learning from reading and giving critiques of other people's work. (Which is no small amount of learning, by the way!)
Another idea is for Nathan to randomly choose a commenter from the previous week, and let that person know in advance. Once you've been chosen to post, you can get struck off the list of potential posters, to make sure others get a chance.
What a great idea, Nathan. A very helpful exercise.
Wow, I was getting ready to cut and paste but I seem to be a day late! You are fast, people!
Michelle, thanks for posting. I liked the piece, it was easy to read, kept my attention and although I did re-read it, I wasn't lost in the details the first time around.
As far as feedback on editing, read your piece aloud and listen to how many sentences start with 'I'. It's easy to mix it up and still use first person POV. You could also just circle the word 'I' to see how much it's used.
Anywhere you have 'was …ing', it becomes passive so put the action back in.
And my last one – another one I do a lot as well – adverbs. Circle all of the advers in your piece and make changes where you can. The less adverbs you use, the better.
I just read this (very short – huge font) book on self editing called The 10% Solution by Ken Rand. He has some great points and a list of words (and pieces of words like 'ly' for example)that you can reference when editing as well.
Thank you so much for submitting, it was intriguing.
Nathan, I like Isha's suggestion about choosing someone from the comments section weekly or however often you want to do this (I guess you do have your agent and author jobs as well) and letting them post. It's pretty normal that I won't get to reading these until the next day between kids and work.
Thank you for doing this Nathan, it is so very valuable.
I can tell this is going to be a great learning tool.
Michelle, you sucked me right in. Good work.
This is a personal pet peeve:
"He was readying for an attack" IS NOT PASSIVE VOICE.
"My reflexes were faster" IS NOT PASSIVE VOICE.
The first is past continuous tense (well, past tense, imperfective aspect), active voice. The second is simple past tense (preterit), active voice.
The passive voice is when the subject of the sentence/clause ("he" and "my reflexes" above) is in object position, and vice versa. ("He was readied for the attack by the sudden noise," for example, IS passive: "the sudden noise readied him for the attack" is the active version.)
"Girls weren't allowed to fight" and "He wasn't allowed to fight" *are* passive. The real subject of the sentence is whoever/whatever is doing the forbidding: The sensei didn't allow girls/him to fight. But here, that subject is in (omitted) object position.
Notice that was . . .ing is NOT passive and was . . .ed IS in this example.
Though simple past and "activizing" passive voice are often better than using past continuous and passive voice, both do have their uses. I find it very interesting that Nathan had no problem with any of the verb constructions (just tense matching and conceptual things).
(And Nathan: this week on the blog has been your best ever. Seriously. Even better than when I got to guest post 😉
Nathan / Michelle –
Regarding the male fighter hitting the ground on his back and breaking his fall with his arms, I knew exactly what he was doing, but that may be because I'm a black belt in TKD and I connected the dots.
I think "slapping" is the wrong term and may be what is throwing you off.
Maybe something like, ". . . his arms swung out from his body and hit the ground before his back could, breaking his fall." Or something like that.
I am intriqued by the opening. Thanks.
PROPS Michelle for putting it out there like that. I don't even let me husband read my stuff, so go girl.
I really like the way the scene doesn't feel overwritten/worked. You're writing is lean, a major plus.
I agree with Nathan that the dialogue sounds obvious and maybe even a tad melodramatic. I needed a little more lead in before the big declaration.
I love the idea of competition between love interests!
I realized it one night, over some late research at work, when I came upon my plump, balding fifty year old boss hunched in grunting zeal over his twenty two year old secretary on the large mahogany desk in his office.
I had opened the door and walked in, and despite the embarrassed excuses of both, and the rushed drawing up and down of fabric over their naked appendages, I had just as silently walked out again, went back to my small office, and sat down at my desk facing the wall where the window should have been.
A quick self-examination of my thoughts yielded a curious revelation.
I was not shocked.
I was not disgusted.
I was not thrilled that I had just gotten some juicy gossip that would, if revealed, be a source of entertainment to the staff for the next six months.
No. Some part of me had just quietly said, “enough.”
It had been coming for a while. Over the past two years I had felt like I was split in two, like one part of me had separated from the other side of me that had to deal with Garrick Connolly’s constant whining in the lab.
Some part of my mind, my finer self, had in the interest of self preservation, isolated itself from the part of me that had to sit and listen while my lab mate described with spiteful glee all the sordid details of the affair she had been having with her husband’s best friend over the last year, apparently in retribution for the fact that her husband had dared to grow bald and fat and had gotten fired from his six figure job and was now working in a five figure job.
What would happen if someone sends in the perfect manuscript? Will editors change bits to feel they've had input?
I was wondering this earlier and only just remembered.
It's not aimed at Nathan, as he's completely correct with his edits, but it was just a general thought.