Nathan Bransford | Writing, Book Editing, Publishing

Helping authors achieve their dreams

Guest Blog Week: You May Be a Bestseller on Tralfamadore

by

Anne R. Allen is a freelance journalist living on the Central Coast of California. She has published two novels in the UK with maverick indie publishers Babash-Ryan: Food of Love (2003) and The Best Revenge (2005.) Babash has, alas, shuffled off this mortal coil, so she is out of print and scrambling down in the slush pile with everybody else. She writes a blog that she hopes will help new writers benefit from from her prodigious collection of publishing mistakes at https://annerallen.blogspot.com

A few months ago, Nathan posed a question on this blog: “How Do You Deal with the ‘Am-I-Crazies’?”

Those are the blues that can overwhelm the unpublished/underpublished novelist as we slog away, year after year, with nothing to show for our life’s work but a mini-Kilimanjaro of rejection slips.

The truth is, most fiction writers spend our lives sitting alone in a room generating a product that has zero chance of ever making a penny—or even being seen by a person outside our immediate circle of friends, relations and/or personal stalkers.

So—not surprisingly—we occasionally ask ourselves that big, existential question: WHAT ARE WE—NUTS?

Trying to answer can plunge a writer into despair. So how do we cope?

Most of the over 250 respondents to Nathan’s post answered with variations on the following advice:

1) Embrace the crazy and accept that we are, most of us, deeply and certifiably Looneytunes.
2) Chocolate helps.
3) Ditto booze and caffeine.
4) Ditto sunrises, music, and long walks.
5) Ditto the company/blogs/tweets of other lunatic writers.
6) And reading good books.
7) Or crap books, because we know we can do better than THAT.
8) Funny, nobody mentioned sex,
9) But denial is good. Really good.
10) And keep writing, even if it’s just for ourselves, or the one person who reads our blog, or the dog, or whoever…because: WE CAN’T STOP OURSELVES.

And why is that?

Well, I have a theory: It’s the Tralfamadorians. If you’ve read your Vonnegut (and what business do you have calling yourself a writer if you haven’t read Vonnegut?) you know about Tralfamadore. It’s a planet where a super-race of toilet plungers exist in all times simultaneously. The name of their planet means both “all of us” and “the number 541,” and they control all aspects of human life including social affairs and politics.

Since these beings have infinite time on their hands, I figure they’ve got a lot of leisure to fill up with reading. And how do they get their books? Of course! They compel earthlings to write novels. Hundreds of thousands of them. Way more than earthbound publishers and readers can handle. But on Tralfamadore—hey, they’re consumed like Skittles.

In fact, the Tralfamadorians are so eager for new material, they’ve figured out how to transmit stories right from our brainwaves to their TralfamaKindles the minute you type “the end” on that final draft.

And it could be that right now, as we speak, your first novel—the one that has been sitting in the bottom of a drawer along with its 350 rejection letters and the restraining order from that editor at Tor—could be at the top of the New Tralfamadore Times bestseller list.

Think about it. You could be the Dan Brown of that whole part of the galaxy, where readers are desperate—pining, pleading and panting—for your next book.

And that voice in your head telling you to pound away, day after day, trying to finish that opus, even though everybody, even your girlfriend—and your MOM for god’s sake—says it sux? That’s a transmission from the Doubleday Company of Tralfamadore saying, “Hurry up, dude, we gotta have this for our Christmas list!”

Hey, just prove to me it’s not true.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  3. Linguista says

    Great read! It's good to know someone loves my writing! Off to edit! 🙂

    Oh, and sex is on every list implicitly. Noone HAS to mention it! 🙂

  7. Mira says

    Lol.

    Awesome post, Anne. Funny and clever. You write with a sure touch and a great voice. I remember reading one of your earlier blog submissions to Nathan and loved it, too!

    So, there's a bit of an underlying truth here – who knows what agenda our writing really fulfills? Thanks for speaking to that in an amusing way.

    Well, okay then. I don't want to let the Tralfamodorians down. Better get writing. 🙂

    Nathan, if you're reading this – really terrific choices this week. Thanks so much!

    Of course, it will be nice to have you back next week as well – hopefully feeling refreshed and from all the fun you've had this week.

    Thanks Anne – you rock. 🙂

  8. Matt McDonald says

    I love any post with a Vonnegut reference by default, but this was good by its own standards.

    Here's my thing: Nobody ever says that a 16 year old football prodigy is insane for spending his time and money on something he'll likely never do again past age 18 (let alone do professionally).

    Nobody ever says that a guy who spends his weekends in a woodworking shop behind his house making tables is insane. Nobody calls hunters and fishermans crazy (even though, when you think about it, that's a consuming hobby that costs tons of money).

    Writing is a craft, a hobby. It's something one does regardless of a chance at publication. And no one is crazy for indulging in a hobby, or bettering themselves at a craft.

  10. Nona says

    Bring on the Skittles! This Tralfamadorian is getting peckish. I'll be at the opera this afternoon but when I get home I expect to see some dinner on the table.

  12. The Pollinatrix says

    I like this. It's a humorous take on a concept that's been floating to me repeatedly out of the blogosphere in the past few days – that even when it seems like we're not having an effect, we really are. That when we do what we love, out of love, it always is the right/good thing to do.

    Vonnegut knew what he was talking about!

  15. Jason Kurtz says

    I have suspected this for quite some time, I have just be taunting the Tralfamadorians… Besides, they can afford to wait for the opus, right??? 😉

    I agree with Matt McDonald, above. I think calling it a 'hobby' is a bit off putting, but it's true. Passions fall into many levels. I mean, writing isn't currently my Career, but I'd like it to be! And until it is, I guess I am going to have to keep satisfying my current audience…

  16. Arabella says

    Did you mean to put up a link to a password-protected site/blog/whatever it is? I really wanted to read about your publishing mistakes, but . . .

  18. Sarah W says

    Finally– a reasonable hypothesis!

    I'm putting this on a t-shirt:

    "The Tralfamadorians Make Me Write."

    Or maybe

    "I'm #541 on the Tralfamadore Best Seller's List."

  19. Lauren Johnson says

    How'd YOU know about that restraining order from Tor? Who have you been talking to?
    —-
    So basically, keep on trying so that you'll have no regrets?

    I can work with that.

  20. D. G. Hudson says

    Perhaps Vonnegut had a peek into that lofty realm of the Tralfamadorians. Anne, I loved this post.

    It falls right in line with my theory of an alternate universe which overlaps this one, which I use to explain those gaps in memory and those times that I say, 'what did I come into this room for?' Switching back and forth can cause time delays, etc.

    This is what I call a motivating post. A little humour cures a lot of ills. I'll definitely check out your blog.

  21. annerallen says

    Arabella–Thanks for the heads-up!! For some reason the link posted for my blog is corrupted and takes you to some password protected place I don't have a clue about.

    Obviously, I want all of you to come over and visit my blog. I've even posted one of my oldies but goodies that got an addendum from Janet Reid, the QueryShark herownself.

    Here's the correct link:

    https://annerallen.blogspot.com/

    I think maybe leaving off that back-slash (my bad, not Nathan's) must have screwed it up.

    I'm basking in all your praise, everybody. I seriously love the idea of those T-shirts, Sarah. I might just have to get some printed up.

    Matt has a great point. Fishermen aren't considered crazy, even if they don't catch any fish. And hardly anybody can make a living as a fisherman anymore (just ask the poor commercial fisherpersons in nearby Morro Bay.) And yet we fish. And we write. Because we must.

  22. Kristin Laughtin says

    I'm not going to even try to prove it's untrue. You reference my favorite book extensively and I want to believe the Tralfamadorians love my novels. But even if they don't, I do. So as long as one of us compels me to keep writing, it's all good.

    I agree that this post is venturing into "best post ever" territory. A+

  25. Charity Bradford says

    I love you! And I dare anyone to try to prove you wrong. Stick to your theory, I've got your back.

    Oh, and if I didn't write the chaos in my head, I WOULD go insane. 🙂 So for me it is survival as well as those Tralfamadorians, but thanks for explaining to me why I just HAD to write the Draguman's history down.

  30. annerallen says

    Nathan has fixed the link to my blog. For anybody who tried it and got an off-putting password protected thing–the friendliness of my blog has been restored. Do stop by.

    Thanks everybody for all the fun comments. I'm looking into the royalty thing, Thermocline.

    And CKHB, CONGRATS on your engagement to the Rejectionist. Awesome, indeed.

  31. TKAstle says

    Hallelujah. Now no writer has an excuse to ever feel crazy again, right?

    Thanks, great post.

    @Samantha Clark – "put more potty humor in…" cute.

  34. Fawn Neun says

    When I first read the title I thought it said "You May be a Best Seller on Tramadol".

    It sort of makes sense, either way, though, doesn't it? 🙂

    8) Sex…

    I thought this was why we were doing it…

    Wonderful post! If you have a blog I must follow it!

  35. Anonymous says

    Thanks for the post. I have been battling the demons all week "Am-I-crazy-for-doing-this-writing-thing?" while continuing to catalog the 15 form rejection slips in a humongous binder on MS 2. Then, I went back to MS 2 and started reading and editing it, once again. I still think it's good and my beta readers are pestering me about reading MS 3 which I finished, but put away feeling the rejection woes from MS 2…

    And, all this time, I should have put my faith in Tralfamadores aka beta readers, so there you go! I'm saved. I resurface from the dark depths of despair and realize: writing is the journey for me, not the end game.

  36. Anonymous says

    I guess I should clarify my editing efforts on MS 2. I ripped out the first fifty pages thinking perhaps, my story started out too slow. I have talked to a few beta readers about cutting a certain character and was contemplating just that, despite major protests from my following.

    One does have to ask, who am I doing it for? An agent who can't be bothered to read the work? Or, do I stay with with the Tralfamadores aka my flock who reads my work and shun the rest? I have my answer. Again, thanks for the post.

  37. abc says

    3 things:

    1. I'm totally on board with this theory.

    2. Matt McDonald, Thank you!

    3. Skittles are fracking addictive! Try to stop shoving them into your mouth by the painful handful (should you buy a bag). You can't!

    P.S. Wonderful post!

  38. Anonymous says

    Aliens ate my WIP.

    Now I know what they were.

    Tralfamadorians.

    Thanks for this post!

    (And the neat spaceship!)

  39. Marilyn Peake says

    Anne,

    I’m so glad your entry won! I commented on it in Nathan’s Forums, but thought I’d comment here as well. Vonnegut’s one of my favorite authors. I love your theory about the Tralfamadorians and their need for all the books written today. LOL. That is beyond awesome! Have you ever seen the movie Back to School? It’s a comedy featuring Rodney Dangerfield, but Kurt Vonnegut makes an appearance as himself. The bit about Vonnegut in that movie is hilarious.

  40. Ed Miracle says

    The deolaters have their gods; I have Fred, my invisible friend, who reads everything I write and sometimes doesn't puke.

  41. annerallen says

    Marilyn, thanks for your comment on the forum. My only one. I appreciated it the more for that.

    Rodney Dangerfield. Kurt Vonnegut. In a movie. Together!?? Wow. Gotta put that one in my Netflix queue!

    Fawn–there's a link to my blog in Nathan's intro. It's now working.

    Thanks for taking the time out of your vacation to fix that, Mr. B!

  47. Anonymous says

    Tom Cruise, Tom Hanks, and Julia Roberts shouldn't be movie stars, because they should have been sensible enough to know the odds of them becoming movie stars was impossible and done something else.

    The reality is we don't live by the percentages; we live our lives. Almost everyone who writes a novel think they will be the exception to the odds, and some of them will be right.

    And ultimately, who cares if you're not? Is a life writing novels that don't ultimately sell any worst than what 99% of people do with their lives? Would you be happier if you spent that time watching TV, making a few more dollars, or whatever?

  49. JTShea says

    Anonymous 3:50pm is right. According to the Statistical Wisdom of the World nobody should ever dream of starting anything out of the ordinary, much less dare to complete it.