Every writer I know, whether they’ve written one novel, two novels, or twenty-five novels, at some point had to deal with the “Am I crazies” before they found publication.
You probably know what I’m talking about: the “Am I crazies” are that feeling you get where you’re spending so much time writing a novel or multiple novels, your friends and family are wondering what you’re doing, and you have no idea whatsoever whether you will ever see publication. You could be spending your hours writing the great American novel or you could be writing something that will only be read by your critique partners. No way of knowing. That’s when you stare at the ceiling and wonder, “Am I crazy for spending so much time doing this?”
The “Am I Crazies” are a natural result of writing a novel without having any idea whether the novel will find its way to publication, which is… you know, every novel by an unpublished author. This feeling can also be a pernicious, crippling force for some writers as they struggle with self-doubt and try to keep going without knowing what the future will bring.
So. How do you deal with the “Am I crazies” and keep yourself writing?
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Art: Edvard Munch – Melancholy
What else would I do at 4am?
I remind myself that I am truly the best version of me when in the clutches of beautiful creativity birthed on paper. . . when I no longer see the words flowing across my computer screen, but hear the voices of fictional people I have come to love . . . and that publication does not define success—love of work does.
What are these 'crazies' of which you speak? Ha! I guess *giggling* I guess I haven't hit that point yet. Hee, hee!
I suppose, ooh… eraser shavings… pretty, er… I mean I suppose I'll find out *laughing at my pencil's joke* soon enough.
Writing is tough and… Hey! Get out of here! No! Hee, hee! I told you I could still type in this straight jacket. Ooh, my nose hurts. Please! It's Nathan's blog… Please! Don't take my keyboard away…
Elizabeth Gilbert touches on this at the beginning of her really great talk on creativity. (https://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/elizabeth_gilbert_on_genius.html)
She reports being asked whether she wasn't afraid of failure, of rejection, of "dying on a scrap heap of broken dreams with a mouth full of the bitter ash of failure."
She goes on to discuss her mindset for getting distance from success or failure and getting work done. The thing that I got from it was that whether it's fear or "crazies" your work can't come from that place.
The only way I can think to get past it is to be so in love with the work and so excited even with the process, that I can't imagine not doing it. The "crazies" become a non-issue.
So pretty much what everyone else has said. But I wanted to chime in because, seriously, listen to the talk.
Well, today, I've just been crying.
Nathan, have you been inside my brain? LOL. Seriously. I think every writer (especially us unpublished ones) feel this way from time to time.
The cure? Writerly friends who share the same craziness. They can talk you off the WTH-am-I-doing? ledge, join you on the ledge or sometimes even encourage you to jump off the ledge. Yeah, it's the friends you have that help you through the crazies.
Tim, links seem to be fine, just no attachments :p
I think I'm joining the increasingly large "I am crazy" contingent.
I don't know; i think writing is a lifelong habit for me. Other things in my life that I've done that I had passion about, when I stopped doing those, it was hard in a lot of ways, but stopping felt okay in the long run. Writing is something I just always return to, no matter how crazy it makes me.
I don't regret the time I spent writing either of my trunk novels, or anything else I've ever written.
I wouldn't want to be doing anything else during that time. (Well, except maybe writing those selfsame books in a small cafe in Paris.)
This means it's worth doing for itself.
Find something miniscule to celebrate – like a turn of phrase you can't believe YOU wrote, and think to yourself: even so, this little piece of language is, for me, perfect.
It is crazy to spend hours in front of the TV. It is crazy to spend hours on the internet. It is crazy to spend hours at restaurants; it is crazy to spend hours in the car. It is crazy to spend hours asleep; it is crazy to spend hours asleep to your dream. Is it crazy to spend hours on a wish? Isn't a wish – your wish – more worthy of you than any of these things?
I didn't send my work around for years because of "Am-I-Crazy" Syndrome. I was terrified of others reading my work, of rejection, people possibly wanting more (no, I'm not kidding), etc.
It took a long time (and the poking and prodding of one of the few people who I dared let have a peek at some of my work) for me to get over it enough to send out some queries. Mostly it was me deciding that I needed to suck it up and get to work if I was ever going to see one of my books on the shelves in a Borders or B&N. The bright side? I now have a great agent, a three book deal and a novella coming out next year.
The moral? Don't discount your ability, be open to constructive criticism, and most of all, keep writing.
On an entirely different note: Word verification = corms
This, perhaps?
I write because I enjoy it, and I enjoy my characters. Writing a book takes extreme dedication- and no matter how crazy you appear to be in the process, you should keep going and finish the race. Even if it gets stuck in a shoebox for thirty years, someone will probably read it later on.
I also refer back to the ten writer commandments post on your blog, Nathan.
And, I observe that I keep writing even when I realize the state of my bank account. What changes isn't the pull to write, but the reluctant acknowledgment that I need to acquire a day-job or better source of income too.
I just wonder if that supports my writing or if it undermines my faith in myself?
I confide in my imaginary friend. He tells me I'll be published any day.
I belong to a very talented and dedicated critique group, Cen-Tex Writing, and am a member of the Writers' League of Texas. Constant interaction with both groups gives me the drive and the courage to continue.
I still go through this, I think to myself right at the beginning, that I must be barmy to spend months of sweat and research on something that may never sell because it's politically difficult, or that I'm forever going to be only be able to sell to tiny presses if at all.
I just have to ignore that little voice – squash it flat.
I get depressed for a short while as I realized that there's no way I can just do something else and thus get out of 'Am-I-Crazies' spell.
Two things bring me up.
One, the fact that I just love these stories of mine and even if they don't sell, at least I can appreciate them in all their glory.
Two, Fear. Fear of spending my entire life doing something for a living I do not like. Which is everything that isn't writing or making stories.
The last one is what really works XD.
Simple. I love writing and my life has changed since I started. Even if I don't get my work published, I'll always continue to write. It would be a nice to get it published, but that's not why I write. I write to tell a story that I feel needs to be told, and if someone else thinks so too, then that's great.
Thanks for the clarification, Bane. I see now several people after me have posted links, so I suppose it's generally done. It would feel a bit weird to me to drop in now though, but I'll know for next time.
Oh heck, if I'm going to take the time to comment, I might as well. If folks are interested: https://tlmorganfield.livejournal.com/338848.html. (and if you're not cool with this, Nathan, feel absolutely free to delete this post. I don't want to tread on toes.)
BTW, it's actually Traci, not Tim, but no worries. Folks mistake the "L" in my user name for an "i" quite often. 🙂
I embrace the fact that I don't know what every literary agent would love to read. Therefore, I might be published someday. I'll wait to give in to my insecurities when the rejections pile a little higher.
WV: knubprep – A college preparatory school for Norwegian dorks.
Wow. What a terrific question – and one that I consider on a regular basis.
As with many of the other commenters here, I take comfort in the fact that I KNOW I'm crazy. No one needs to confirm that for me – which helps.
And, while I'd be lying if I said my ultimate goal WASN'T to be published, I do simply love to write… and often can't imagine doing anything else. When the Monster of Self-Doubt gnaws at me, I just disappear into the world I've created, happy with the knowledge that my characters appreciate me. That – or I just whine to my supportive husband, who always assures me that he'll never let me give up.
At the same time, I'm with Ink who said "I think you have to at least strive for some balance between family, work, writing and recreation."
Amen to that, brother!
–Laura
I have to write. Can't help it. So I don't much wonder whether I am crazy to spend so much time writing – there's no point to asking the question because I can't stop doing it. (Which may very well answer the question, honestly…)
Well, being crazy, it's everyone else's problem!
I'm not one to play rejection games. You'd never see me on the bachelor. Then I entered the world Children's book publishing.
Despite feedback such as "witty, well-written and brilliant" my work has not been picked up. I have just hired my own illustrator and am going to do the unthinkable: voluntarily becoming a social outcast, a leper in publishing community. I'm going to self publish.
I believe this product should be available now, not in 3 years when someone else can make time for it. Your question is timely, as I just blogged about my decision.
It depends on the day and where I’m at with a particular project. Right now, I’m trying to focus on improving my writing with each new manuscript, making it the best it can be, without worrying too much about whether or not it will lead to signing with an agent. (And I really, really hope to sign with an agent!!) I’m proud of my current manuscript and very excited about the story, so I know that I’ll be able to publish it somewhere even if that means self-publishing, whereas my first several unpublished novels will never see the light of day without a complete editing overhaul.
Sometimes after something bad happens in my writing career – e.g. I discover illegal copies of my published books selling online, a distribution channel for small press books is bought out by a larger company and will no longer distribute my small press books, etc. etc. – I feel incredibly frustrated and sad. I find myself questioning whether or not I should have spent so many hours on writing and book promotion when I could have been doing something else. I love writing so much, though, and there are so many ways to stay involved with the writing community online, that I usually find joy in some aspect of writing that helps me to bounce back.
I also try to maintain balance in my life, so that I’m not totally consumed by writing. Because of that, each disappointment isn’t actually devastating.
I'm a therapist in my "day job" and I often hear my clients discuss how unhappy they are in their lives. I'm reminded that writing makes me VERY happy. So, I'd be crazy not to write. Even if it is only for me. And just as in counseling, hearing that others go through the same thing I'm dealing with helps me to feel less crazy. I'm comforted by the idea that even the most accomplished writers also deal with self doubt.
Charlee Vale- Your answer is perfect for me! I find myself feeling the same way. If nothing else, I find peace in telling the story of my characters.
A lot of people have mentioned their critique buddies. I don't have a critique group, only a few friends that I've trusted with my stories. Sounds like it's something I should really look into soon, though. Any ideas on how best to get involved with a group? I'm also trying to look into competitions and places I might be able to submit a short story. Hopefully, that will build my confidence some.
Kristi, your comment, "Rick – it's sort of the same thing as people who say their family was dysfunctional. Everyone is crazy the same way everyone's family is dysfunctional – it's just a matter of degree, and there will always be people who are off the deep end of that continuum. So my answer would be 100% but everyone would differ on their level of craziness."
I agree. 🙂
Oh, I *am* crazy. There's really no internal debate going on. I just accept that and keep on a-writin.'
I read published author's blogs. They say the same kinds of things about their own projects reminding me we all have to go through it. I do that and bang my head repeatedly against my keyboard.
I definitely have times when I get stressed out and wonder why I bother when the chances of publication are so slim.
When that happens, I back up and let myself take a little break but I inevitably find myself writing again.
Why? Because, I've fallen in love with my characters. They're part of me and I feel that I owe it to them to tell their stories, even if I'm the only one who ever reads them.
Even if there was no hope of being rewarded for the hours of emotion and labor that I put into my stories, I would still continue to write. I just love it.
I remind myself of that and it helps keep the "Am-I-Crazies?" at bay. 🙂
Nathan – Thank you so much for asking the question posted on your blog today. I’m about a quarter of the way through reading all the comments, and am finding so much support in all the comments. It really, really helps to discover that an entire community of people are struggling with the same issues as me.
Faith.
Force of will? Denial? I-think-i-can-i-think-i-can…
It's all going to be just fine. That is what I know with the core of my being, and that is what I hang onto in the midst of periods of worry.
When in doubt,have a nap. Go to bed early. The sun will shine (or not, if you live where I live, apparently) but metaphorically, at least, it will shine. My day will come.
I turn to other writers for reaffirmation.
Then I indulge in Pinot Noir and dark chocolate.
If it's enjoyable, I'll keep doing it. With a 40-hour-a-week day job, 168 hours in a week, subtract 56 for sleeping, that leaves 72 hrs a week; lop off 32 hours of that for friends & family, and there's STILL a whole ''other 40 hr work week in there somewhere; gotta have something to do in my spare time, might as well be something that is both fun AND could pay off tangibly someday.
I just know I'm going to be published. What I don't know is when.
I guess I am a bit more crazy than most people – I have never had doubts about writing in the first place. I think my friends, family and other people who read my stories are more anxious to see me published. I am perfectly comfortable with the way things are 🙂 I guess I will have to step out of that comfort zone some time when I send out query letters for my novel, but if all fails, I'll just post it on some website that kids read, like fanfiction.net or something similar, and bask in a glory of their praise. Because that in the end is what matters to me, my stories to be is read and loved.
My "crazy" day was July 7, 2003. I know this because I was asking myself all the questions you listed (plus a few more not fit for a children's author to print), and I decided to go for a walk. On that walk I decided that I would never, ever doubt myself more than that day. It just wasn't possible. I went home and wrote "July 7" on a sticky note and tacked it to my bulletin board. Whenever the doubt started creeping in again, I'd stop it by saying, "Yeah, but the doubt's not as bad as it was on July 7." And then I'd get back to work.
all these responses make me think of those "what mood are you in today?" magnet boards – there should be one for "how crazy am I feeling today?" – M&M crazy, chocolate crazy, sunrise crazy, coffee crazy, bourbon crazy, they would make great smilies!
Anyway – my current solution, I think of the people who are contributing to my research and want me to tell their story, say they believe in my writing and are looking forward to seeing it making it to publication or those who call me to ask how it's going and if they can help further. I suppose, the reason behind the writing above and beyond my enjoyment of writing and telling a story.
And not to forget, being welcome as part of a community of people who share the same self-doubts and having a 'virtual-coach' in you here on the blog helps. Thank you Mr. B and all contributors.
Face the fear head on. Write for the joy of writing. And, then, hope for the best! That's what I've decided to do.
The "am I crazies" would be a relief. I get the "I must be crazies."
I'm lucky in that most of my friends/family are supportive of my writing, all believe absolutely one hundred percent that I will land the first agent I query and have an instant bestseller, and usually bug me on why I'm not querying now that I have one complete MS to my name. (I want the practice, dang it! And to make sure it wasn't a fluke. 🙂 My current WIP is *killing* me…)
But when I start getting the crazies (especially if I'm doubting my own ability and have the idea that I'm spending all this time on something that, according to statistics, won't ever be published–a very negative place to be), I remind myself that at least I'm doing something mentally productive, as opposed to something destructive, or even just plain lazy, such as watching TV. (Don't get me wrong, I do watch TV sometimes; I just don't know how I'd fill up my time (outside of hanging out with friends/family, who can't be around 24/7) if I didn't have hobbies, and writing's my main one.) At least I'm stimulating my brain!
For all who said something along the lines of "I already know I'm crazy"
I love you guys. =)
Props also to 'single malt scotch' guy and 'denial' girl. I loved those answers.
We all go through this. Even the published writers among us. Yes, knowing you're crazy is half the battle.
I talk to voices in my head. They know I'm wonderful and will one day be published. 🙂
I'm kidding.
Sort of.
I’m late to the party on this one and the comments are racking up.
You can tap every writer for an answer and all of the responses will be valid… and all proof of craziness.
I don’t necessarily believe that it’s an affliction limited to unpublished authors, however. It’s all authors, fullstop. (I'm unpublished)
I ride that pendulum of crazy emotions every single day, questioning my motivations. Some writers write because they do it for hunger (money, fame etc), some for therapy, others for fun, and countless more because they are hard-wired for it.
Personally, if I had a lazy few million in the back pocket I’d sooner fly around the world and follow every major sporting event, live on Thai takeout and drink rum. Forget this writing gig. Or so I kid myself.
I need to write. Now, that’s crazy.
Am I crazy because I can’t turn the ‘switch’ off? Am I crazy because I’d prefer to spend time with my fictional characters than deal with visiting family? Am I crazy because I doubt every single word I write, even the suckers that I thought were brilliant the previous day?
Yep. Loco.
How to get through it?
Support.
My wife destroys each chapter draft, it leaves me punch drunk and bereft of confidence. In that moment I want nothing more than to divorce her and find someone else who can stroke my … ego!
But the sh*t gets fixed, we disagree on the results. And away we go again. I’m sure I’m not Robinson Crusoe here when I say that some of us congregate around the fickle fires of publishing blogs hoping we'll learn the secret to publication and thankful to discover that we occupy a higher place than other writers yet distraught that we will never match up to many more.
You’re crazy… embrace it.
BTW, Hemingway aimed a shotgun at his crazed agitator … his brain … “Am I crazy?” No doubt about it, Papa, crazy like a coconut.
I moved from the Upper West Side of Manhattan, where I have many friends and all my immediate family lives close by, to a small city in South Carolina.
If I never find traditional success I will still live in a country like setting four blocks from the ocean.
Though once the Manhattan apartment market started falling my friends and family thought I was frighteningly sane. I still think it was the single craziest thing I did in my quest to have a book published and am in shock everyday. In a good way.
I don't have ten thousand master writing classes available to me. I'm forced to look inward for critiquing and use my blogging friends who I have found to be as honest as New Yorkers. Just nicer in their use of language
Oh, I forgot my 'Am I crazy?' cure.
I go to a bookstore, any bricks and mortar bookstore (it doesn't work online for me), and I take it all in.
It's one of the only places I truly feel like I belong.
That's all the confirmation I need, right there.
I hit that wall some time ago and thought I would quit writing forever. It didn't happen.
How I got beyond the crazies was to spend time looking objectively at my early work. From analyzing five manuscripts I recognized my growth as a writer in both a qualitative and a quantitative way. Only two were worth keeping.
I set new monthly, quarterly, yearly, and five yearly goals.
Then I started a new story.
I get family and friends to encourage me. To remind me why I'm doing what I'm doing. And I remind myself that I've already decided that I'm probably crazy, but it's okay.
Then I also remind myself that I don't ever want to ask myself that "What if I had tried to publish?" question ever again. That I'm just going to work hard and hope for the best.
Writing is the part of my life that doesn't make me ask, "Am I crazy?"
My life is insane, I know that. I've adjusted to that fact. Writing is my outlet. It's my Me Time. It's where I can find some quiet.
I'm not writing to be published as my only goal. I'm writing to write, and looking at publishing as a long term experiment I'd like to try. If I don't get published I'm not going to curl up in the fetal position with my hopes and dreams crushed. That's reserved for my children actually starting WWIII or failing to pass the boards for my doctorate.
Am I crazy?
Yeah, probably. But I'm okay with that now. :o)