Nathan Bransford | Writing, Book Editing, Publishing

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The Five Stages of Querying Grief

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Guest post by Kiersten White

Stage One: Denial

This can’t be happening to me! Novel is so good! I was supposed to get an agent within days of sending out that first query! There must be some sort of mistake–it’s already been three weeks. Sure, everyone else has to go through a long, drawn-out querying process, but not me! There’s going to be a request for a full in my inbox RIGHT NOW, I just know it.

Stage Two: Anger

What?!? [Insert Author Name Here] got an agent on her first try! And my book is at least as good as hers! And WHY won’t anyone get back to me? I personalized and everything! Don’t they understand I’m checking my email every twenty minutes? I HATE THIS! QUERYING IS THE WORST THING EVER! JUST READ MY FREAKING BOOK ALREADY!

Stage Three: Bargaining

Okay. It’s okay. If I can just get a request for a full, if an agent will just read the whole thing, I’ll be happy. No matter what, I’ll be happy then.

No? A partial. Just read a partial, I swear then I’ll be happy, I won’t complain or freak out or want to give up. Just a partial?

No? Just respond. Anything. Just respond, and I’ll be okay, really, I promise. Just a response? Please?

Stage Four: Depression

It’s been three weeks. This is it. No one is going to want Novel. They’ll never read it, so they’ll never know how much fun it is, how well-written it is, how much potential I have as a writer. I’ll never get an agent, which means I’ll never get published, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I suck. I suck, I suck, I suck I suck I suck. And the worst part is that I don’t suck, but it doesn’t matter, because no one will ever know. I’m never going to be an author. It’s over. I’m going to bed. And I’m not getting up again.

Stage Five: Acceptance

Well, it is what it is. I’ve put in the work, I’ll keep at it, and I know I’ll be published someday. Maybe an agent will fall in love with Novel. Maybe not. It’s more luck than anything else at this point, and I can accept that. Either way, I’ll keep writing, and someday, someone will represent me. In the meantime, I’ve got this shiny new idea over here just begging to be written…

Of course, eventually you will make it out of this cycle. But that leads us to the stages of agented submission grief and there’s like 87 of them. One step at a time, right?

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Mira says

    Kiersten, this is so clever! Really. I'm alittle green, I wish I'd thought of this concept and written this.

    And it really rings true. Totally on target. What I like about this is it makes me feel less alone. I'm not the only one who goes through all these stages and had every single one of these thoughts – you've really captured it.

    I especially like the moving on to a new shiny idea. But I ESPECIALLY like the 87 stages of agented grief. Funny.

    Thanks – wonderful post.

  2. D. G. Hudson says

    Interesting angle for the phases of the querying process. I visualized it as a cartoon in my head.

    A creative person usually has a sensitive nature when it comes to the work that they produce, hence we go through these agonizing stages. You've done a great job with this post, congrats on being selected.

  4. Patrice says

    This is a fantastic post! A classic.

    Of course, *I* will not have to go through any querying grief… will I?

    (I can already wallpaper my bathroom with rejections, alas.)

    I think you nailed it, and you made me laugh, too. I'm sending all my writing friends to this post.

    Because Querying Grief makes me (this is my word verification) "surlov."

  5. Rick Daley says

    "I'm checking my email every twenty minutes"

    Wow, you are incredibly patient! I measure the lapse of time by the second hand.

    This was a great post, it had a lot of voice. If it was a query, I would ask for a partial 😉

  7. Bane of Anubis says

    I'm w/ Rick's time check schedule…

    Love Stage 3 — initially, you get a warm tickly feeling when you get a request and then when the rejection slams home… man, the sky falls on you (getting a query rejected's a whole lot easier than a partial/full, IMO — b/c you feel like it's an indictment on your writing, where you can come up w/ a whole bunch of excuses for query rejections)…

    I've got a full out right now and as every day slips by, I convince myself more and more that failure is coming (which, I'm pretty sure it is — after awhile, after I've reread every word in my story a hundred times, I find myself loathing the story & writing that originally enamored me — does this happen to anybody else 🙂

  10. Audrianna says

    Kiersten –

    Hilarious!!! I was sitting here just cracking up. And, just as an aside, I read your blog – great, as well!

  11. Marsha Sigman says

    Ok, now I don't feel quite so depressed that my entry was not selected. They are all so good! Loved Eric's on Monday, I had no idea all of that went on behind the scenes at my local B&N.

    Thanks Kiersten, now another blog I must obsessively follow!
    This was great, very funny and completely true.

  14. Laura Martone says

    Oh, Kiersten, this is a wonderful post! Just the sort of levity – and, yet, truth – we needed following Eric's more nuts-and-bolts approach. So far, both posts (no, I haven't gotten to Steph's yet) have been well worth the wait!

  19. Kiersten says

    Thanks, all! I'm glad it was well received after super-informative Eric's.

    But I can be helpful, too! Ask any questions you want.

    For example, "How do you get from stage four to stage five?"

    CHOCOLATE. Loads, and loads of chocolate. At which point you can start being depressed about the weight you have to lose, instead of the rejections…

    : )

    (Also, HUGE thanks to Nate for taking time out of his vacation to deal with Blogger's weirdo problems.)

  20. Laura Martone says

    Man, Bane, I am so with you (yes, again). I just had a full rejected by ICM, and even though I expected it, it was completely heart-breaking nonetheless. I went from Denial, straight to Depression – skipping the Anger/Bargaining steps. That probably says more about me than I care to admit. Oh, wait, I just did. Oops. 🙂

  21. dan radke says

    Totally not gonna happen to me. Once I finish my novel and get the query to Nathan, he's gonna be all OMG FULL NOW NOW NOW within 10 seconds.

    Heh. Sigh. Why must the mountain look so impassable?

  22. Rebecca Knight says

    BAHAHAHAHAHA. Okay… Loved. This.

    Thanks for the laugh, and the reality check, too ;).

    word verification: Incente–incentive to be Italian.

  23. Jordan McCollum says

    This is fantastic, beloved twin of mine! I haven't even begun querying, so I'm still in denial most of the time, but from time to time I see my writing friends do something and I slip into anger.

    I mean, I cheer for them. I do. But my jealous little heart hurts a little for me.

  24. Vacuum Queen says

    Yep…something like this post, at least. My first stage was, "oh my gosh, I probably annoyed them with my stupid little query for my little picture book. I feel guilty that I wasted their time."

    Which is stupid because I like the book and I WANTED them to spend time reading my query.

    Sigh. I went straight from there to step 2 Depression.

    But for me, the next step was, "well, I might as well get working on those other projects while I wait." and now I'm heavily involved with them. So that's all good.

  26. Victoria Mixon says

    Kiersten,

    I'm so glad to see this! I was checking all day yesterday for it.

    And Bane of Anubis is right: there's the I Hate This stage. I wonder if that falls under Anger, Depression, or Acceptance?

    best,
    Victoria

  27. AM says

    Bane,

    Step away from your manuscript.

    You are in the same exact state were many an author has ruined a perfectly – dare I say – wonderful manuscript.

    We all know the moment: When we can no longer read the sentences for the words on the page.

    You are not alone.

    But I mean it… don't change anything while intoxicated with self-doubt.

    Your manuscript is just waiting to be found by the right agent.

  28. Thermocline says

    I loved your line about the next 87 stages. After reading Eric's post, it seems like the end of each step in getting to a Published Book brings a fresh new cycle of denial anger, etc. in a nifty new package.

    My WV was: calmo. Does it get any more ironic?

  29. AM says

    Kiersten,

    This was such a nice bonus.

    After reading your blog yesterday, I was excited to see there was yet another posting due on Nathan's blog… and you did not disappoint.

    Once again, I related and enjoyed.

  30. pjd says

    Wait… you mean there's a stage beyond Denial? Who knew? I've been in the Denial stage for several years now.

    Anger at least sounds more fun.

  31. allegory19 says

    Hey Laura, I feel your pain. I read about it on your blog and tried to post you a message yesterday, but it wouldn't go through – rats. Anyway – your novel sounds awesome. I encourage everyone to head your way and check it out.

  32. Mira says

    Okay Kiersten, first the chocolate thing is funny. It's always good to worry about gaining weight rather than other things.

    And I'll throw a question at you. What made you think of writing this post? Was it a particular query?

  33. Bane of Anubis says

    AM – Thanks! — You're right — I'm way into super-duper-tinker mode and the stars are beginning to appear in my vision.

    Laura — sorry to hear the news — eventually we'll get there.

  34. Elaine 'still writing' Smith says

    I love this post Kiersten you have condensed the cycle very succinctly – I feel every one of them, on a non-stop loop. Sometimes they are as far apart as 5 minutes!
    But, I have never logged on to read my e-mails with anything like the emotions I get to experience the odd 15 times a day1

  35. Dawn Maria says

    I'm glad I read this after I sent a query out this morning! Very funny and clever Kiersten, I loved it!

    I'm like Pavlov's dog every time my iPhone dings when an email comes in. "Is this it? Is this the email where they ask for a full?" Please! Pretty please?

    Have a great day everyone- we are all awesome!

  37. Brodi Ashton says

    Kiersten- I love this post. You so nailed the "If this happens, then I'll be happy."

    I always thought I'd be happy when I got an agent, but now we're going through the agented submission steps, and the agony is happening all over again!

    Glad you were chosen.

  40. Laura Martone says

    Thanks, Steph, I appreciate the encouragement… about my novel and the process itself.

    I'm sorry my blog rejected your comment yesterday. Stupid technology – that's my true bane. But I appreciate the attempt. 🙂

    Though I'm disappointed by ICM's rejection, I really did expect it – the book is simply too long, and after all my recent research, I know that now. I'm bummed that I blew a shot at a major agency – a good friend of mine is an ICM-agented TV writer, and she prodded me to send the novel before it was really ready. It's not her fault – she doesn't know much about the publishing industry, and apparently neither did I. I should've known better – but I didn't, alas. And now I wish I'd saved my "in" until the book was truly agent-worthy.

    Ah, well, live and learn, right? No big deal… it's been a couple days since the rejection, and I've already sailed into the Land of Acceptance. Ready and willing to make my novel the best it can be. 🙂

    –Laura

    P.S. Does this post remind anyone else of the movie ALL THAT JAZZ? It's one of my all-time favorites… and I can still remember the stand-up comedian's routine about the five-step grief process. He said "Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance" sounded like a law firm. 🙂

  41. Laura Martone says

    Thanks, Bane. You're right – we will get there.

    Oh, and Kiersten, sorry I went off on my little tangent back there… but, as you've noted, the "stages of grief" apply to all aspects of the publishing process – sadly, not just querying.

    But you know what "they" say… The harder something is to achieve, the more we appreciate achieving it… Even on my most hair-yankin' days, I know this to be true.

  42. allegory19 says

    Yeah Laura,
    It is a bummer. But you're right, live and learn. And I know the harder something is to achieve, the more we appreciate achieving it. I can't wait to start appreciating – Hear! Hear!

  47. Anonymous says

    Hey!

    Where's the BLAME stage?

    You know, where we blame the stupid agents?

    That's totally separate than denial. 😉

    Isn't it?

  49. Matilda McCloud says

    Great post!

    I usually stick to the denial phase as long as I can. I don't open the SASEs until a few weeks after I receive them. Once in a while, though, I open the envelope and get good news. So there is always a teeny bit of hope I guess…

  50. folksinmt says

    Hilarious! I know those steps all too well! I've always wondered if writers, with our over-active imaginations, suffer greater disappointments than others because of our ability to dream…big.

    Good job Kiersten!