I watched the Mickey Rourke movie The Wrestler the other night, and I thought it was great. In case you haven’t seen it, Rourke plays an aging pro wrestler struggling with his health, his estranged daughter, and a solitary, poor life.
One of the reasons this movie really resonated with me was because I thought it was a moving illustration of the lengths artists and athletes to go to live a life that’s more than ordinary. There are some people who just want more out of life, and in order to achieve it they’re willing to forego time with friends and family spending hours huddled in front of a laptop, or, in the case of The Wrestler, wrestling in a bloody match featuring barbed wire and staple guns.
At the same time, “The Wrestler” wasn’t exactly a glorification of Randy “The Ram’s” life. He’s broken, depressed, estranged from his daughter, and basically alone in life. He’s devoted his life to an unsustainable dream – his body is failing him and he has nothing else to live for.
Ultimately I think the power of the movie comes from the sympathy his quest generates. Most people want something more out of life, and when that fails even despite almost insane efforts and doing every single thing possible, it’s one of life’s great tragedies. People still strive even when it becomes harmful.
Anyone else seen the movie? What do you think about it, and the sometimes simultaneously aspirational and destructive writing life?
RW says
I think the self-destructiveness and writing can go hand in hand but rarely do. There’s a lot of romantic myth out there about the self-destructive genius, and I think it’s usually a lot of rationalization for poor choices. It’s possible to write and to make healthy choices with one’s life, and most of the so-called loner geniuses (and their cousins, the alcoholic geniuses) would have been better writers if they had made healthier choices.
Jason Crawford says
Didn’t see the movie, but I think I’ll put it on our NetFlix list.
You’re right, the pursuit of any dream can become a bad thing if it consumes one’s life. But that’s true whether you are successful or a failure.
I try to approach writing as the thing I do IN ADDITION to my other activities (time with fam, work, exercise etc…) rather than something to do INSTEAD of those things.
If I lose anything because of writing, it’s sleep. 🙂
Jim King says
I saw the movie several weeks ago with my son. Very moving.
As I watched him struggle to “reinvent” himself through a variety of non-wrestling jobs, I was thinking that in today’s economy, a lot of writers need to reinvent themselves.
“The Ram” ran into problems because he couldn’t see past the old ways of doing things. He lived too much in the past.
Writers have to reinvent themselves by considering ways this ever-changing media landscape can offer fulfilling ways to achieve our dreams for, as you put it, Nathan, “something more out of life.”
Mira says
Cool. Great topic, Nathan. Now, I’ll have to go see that movie.
Usually, I believe writing is not only positive, but healing.
Writing – or any type of art, really – helps you clarify and develop your mind and soul. It brings you more in touch with your true self, and helps that self florish. It can allow you to transcend yourself – even if it’s never read by another single person.
But I think there are three ways that writing can be destructive to the writer.
1) If it’s used as an addiction to escape from life.
2) If the drive to publish makes you lose yourself.
3) If you begin to believe that writing defines who you are, and if you couldn’t write, you would have no value as a human being.
RW says
On the lighter side, the Cary Tennis advice column in Salon today had a letter from someone whose problem is that “My husband is too creative to work.” I was afraid that my wife had written it.
Marilyn Peake says
Your post today brought tears to my eyes. Haven’t seen the movie yet, although I plan to, but I definitely know what you mean about the lengths artists and athletes will go to live a life that’s more than ordinary. I pushed myself really hard the past couple of weeks to complete a new sci fi novel- -writing 14 hours per day, through blinding migraines and complete exhaustion. I finished. My first reader told me it’s one of the best books he’s ever read, but it needs a different ending. I agree. I’m going to rewrite the last few chapters. But, then what? The long road to try to get it published. I can feel the fear sneaking into my mind that nothing will happen with this book, and I’ll have to pick myself up and start all over again. I hate those feelings, and I hate complete exhaustion … but I accept that it’s all just part of being a writer.
Anonymous says
I haven’t seen the movie yet, although I plan to.
But the topic is near and dear to me.
Art can be like a religious or spiritual calling. If you are truly called, you can’t turn your back on it.
But trying to live in a world where you don’t seem able to thrive with what you are most passionate about can be terribly disheartening.
Would you marry a person because they can support you who you do not love?
In a world where it is so very difficult and against “the odds” to thrive as an artist, it is no wonder that artists so often succumb to depression.
It is the dark side of creativity.
That’s why skills for survival, a day job you at least “like,” and those who support you are so important to an artist.
wickerman says
Kewl! My new query will read:
Dear Nathan,
Accept me as your newest client for my 500,000 word epic fantasy or I shall go the way of the Ram and you shall forever be responsible for it.
No pressure of course.
The Wickerman
Michelle Moran says
I thought the movie – and his performance – was Oscar worthy. Incredibly touching, for all of the reasons you mention. Having grown up in the the Hollywood community, I’ve seen far more actors than writers follow a similar path to his, and at some level, it’s always a choice. A choice to put career over family, or a dream (however realistic) over tangible human relationships. It was always a shame to see, since many dreams can coincide with a happy personal life if balanced properly.
Mercy Loomis says
Congratulations Marilyn on finishing your first draft!!!!
thin says
Just watched it on Saturday. I was a little disappointed with the ending but I agree definitely that it was a great character portrait.
Both Randy and Cassidy sell themselves in the obvious way (wrestling / stripping) but with themselves they also sell away the important things, relationships, family, health, etc..
For the stardom or paycheck, they lock away their real self, just like their real names, Robin and Pam.
It makes any artist ask him/herself: when do you quit? I think we all need a healthy balance of career and family.
Dawn Maria says
I confess to loving the romantic version of the tortured artist. I don’t know why, it’s not rational and certainly not something I aspire to.
For myself, I’m finding the journey to be the priority. Something in me had to make sure I really worked hard at trying to make this happen. I have a day job now that limits my writing time but finances residencies and conferences. As long as I’m moving forward toward goals, I feel successful.
At residencies I’ve come the closest to those dark, possibly destructive feelings. When it’ just you and your work- no excuses, no distractions- you’re really forced to face your own music. That’s the risk or the joy or both.
Rick Daley says
I haven’t seen it yet, but I want to.
2 children + 1 soccer season = 0 movies
But on the other hand, my son’s team is 4-0!
Other Lisa says
Wow, great post.
I could write reams about this topic or nothing, since you’ve pretty much said it all.
I think the dark reality of the creative life is that you can do everything “right” – you can put your heart and soul into your work and produce something really good, and none of that guarantees success, recognition or reward. This is fundamentally in conflict with one of the basic American myths – several, really – that if you work hard enough you will succeed, that you will get what you deserve, that you can have it all.
With the infiltration of the culture of celebrity into our national character, now you have the divorcing of talent and effort from perceived entitlement, which is a whole other sort of tragedy, and actually something which I think has made creative success based on merit even more difficult.
I don’t know what you do about these truths, other than to look for balance in your life. But I’d be lying if I said I’ve always managed it in mine.
Deaf Indian Muslim Anarchist! says
The film was spectacular, I saw it in the cinema while visiting DC. I think I’m pretty lucky when I compare myself with Randy “The Jam” because I’m young and I have a job. So far, I haven’t found myself in a shitty, desperate situation– yet. and I hope to never fall into that trap.
I think his character is a very relatable human being– almost everyone knows someone like him.
Travis Erwin says
I’m expecting it today via Netflix.
Mira says
Marilyn – congratulations!!!
That’s wonderful. I’m sorry it was so hard on you. But now it’s time to play and rest for awhile, and take care of you! You did it!
🙂
Rebecca Knight says
Oh, man. That movie was absolutely wonderful, and at the same time one of the saddest things I’ve ever seen.
I recently read some people over at QueryTracker.net discussing how we need to focus more on the journey and love of writing, instead of the “goal” (getting published, becoming George R. R. Martin’s lady counterpart, etc).
Sometimes I’m so driven that I find myself getting caught up in the “next step” to get to my goal, and forget to take a deep breath and be satisfied with where I am. I think that’s the dangerous part of being ambitious–letting the “what’s the next step” mentality get in the way of being content and enjoying writing for the sake of writing. I feel very blessed to have finished my first novel and be working on a second, and it’s nice to stop and realize that I’m happy and very, very blessed. Even though I’m not published yet ;).
Great post!
scott neumyer says
Couldn’t agree more. My favorite film of 2008.
Roland says
I loved the Wrestler. Rourke really is outstanding in it, and I’m one of those guys that poos on everything that’s hyped.
My only criticism of it was the relationship with his daughter. I didn’t really believe it. Why does she let him back into her life? What does she have to gain now that she’s an adult? Was she really surprised and therefore hurt by his being late for their dinner date? I would have been (and was)impressed that he showed up at all. What happened to them when she was younger? Isn’t she overreacting a tad when he’s late? It felt really forced.
I’d have made her more detached, treating him like a stranger. He’s not capable of hurting her anymore because she doesn’t have feelings for him. She doesn’t know him. Instead the relationship between them was muddled by an unfinished picture of her and her overreaction felt like overacting.
Myra says
“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” (Proverbs 13:12)
I’ve lived long enough to know that my mental health and my relationship with my family must be my priority. Writing feeds something elemental in me – and I am sooooo grateful for the gift of words. I hoped I’d finish my story. I did. I hoped someone would like it. Someone did. I hoped I’d get to write another. I am. I hope it gets agented, published, optioned, etc.
But when the hope quits, I have to quit too.
That’s why I can’t watch movies like The Wrestler. I *absorb* story. I like hopeful ones!
Martin McClellan says
The Creative Screenwriting Podcast has a very good interview with the screenwriter Robert D. Siegel. it’s interesting to note that his previous job was as a writer for The Onion.
Here’s a direct link to the podcast [warning: iTunes link]
Haste yee back ;-) says
All you down-n-the-mouth writers, PERK the hell up! Head on over to HarperStudio’s blog and catch, The Expresso Book Machine.
PrestO-changeO, push a button, pull a tab, there, you’re published!
(If you’re not “in it” for money, acclaim, prestige, applause, to be envied or get better restaurant seats, be fawned over, to enjoy the fantasy – in your mind only – that everyone thinks you’re a genius, or deluded into feeling the world is at your feet… IMHO, your work is DONE)!
Those who’ve been called and guided by cleansed spirit and pure of heart motives, you have been delivered! Amen.
For the rest of us hacks, it’s a$$holes and elbows… again, still!
Haste yee back 😉
Bane of Anubis says
I think I’m one of the few who don’t have sympathy (or not as much as probably desired) for these type of characters.
Perhaps it’s an age perspective (though I’ve had my share of failure and struggle).
Aiming for the stars is fantastic, but at some point, most of us have to realize we won’t be astronauts.
WV: mistic – a southern mistake (as in my approach to this 🙂
Kristi says
I didn’t see the movie but it’s on my Netflix list along with 100 other movies I haven’t had time to see yet.
In psychology, something is not considered destructive, or pathological, unless it significantly interferes with social or occupational functioning. I don’t believe writing is inherently more destructive than any other activity – but of course, some people are drawn to writing that would fit that definition with or without engaging in writing. Most of us are not the stereotypical hermits who ignore friends and family – heck, they give me such great material for my writing! 🙂
Natalie N. says
I haven’t seen the movie, but I’ve heard really good things about it.
I think that writing is like everything else. It’s a job. You either work to live, or live to work and it doesn’t really matter what field you’re in. I work at a law firm (while I wait to be discovered for writing) and there are a bunch of attorneys that work 60+ hours a week just because they love to work. Personally, I have a life and a baby to attend to and when I make it big (because I will), I’m not going to sacrifice sanity for fame.
At least, that’s the plan for now. 🙂
Marilyn Peake says
I agree with everyone who’s posted about the importance of keeping balance in one’s life, even though writers/artists tend to get swept up in working really long hours during certain stages of a project. I’m thinking about taking off the entire summer and returning to editing my novel in the fall. Seems like a huge shame when artists let their dreams ruin their lives, since that basically defeats the idea of a dream life. I think there’s a huge difference between using art to fill an empty void in one’s life and the demand that art itself places on an artist to keep their brain wrapped around an idea until the project’s completed. Really interesting topic for discussion! Think I’ll watch “The Wrestler” soon.
Thanks for your kind words, Mercy Loomis and Mira!
Mira says
I believe in multiple lifetimes, which is helpful in circumstances like this.
I think it may take more than one lifetime – maybe several – to really become the best possible writer you can be.
Maybe the answer in this lifetime is……not yet.
Mira says
Oh.
Shoot. This is the type of topic I could talk about for hours. I’ll try not to post too often.
But one more thing.
Failure can be transformative. Unbelievably valuable lessons can be learned from failure.
Trust, acceptance, perspective, compassion, and kindness.
Failure, which is a type of grief, can bring equanimity and self-acceptance. It can help your heart grow. All grief does. It can also lead to stronger and deeper hope, inspiration and dedication.
All of which can be channeled back into your writing.
Vegas Linda Lou says
I think the key is to balance ambition with personal responsibility and dreams with realism. It’s just not fair to expect your spouse and kids to suffer for the sake of your art; these are people you willingly brought into your life. Let’s not confuse drive with selfishness.
Concerning dreams and reality, you know, one word I never hear in my writers’ group, at conferences, or in agent blogs is “talent.” How about a post on that sometime, Nathan?
Dearth of Reason says
How cool is this, pondering the nature of art and aspirations! Sweet!
There’s a bell curve behind this intriguing subject.
You can live on the hump with many others.
A life less ordinary requires you to traverse those places not commonly explored.
A life extraordinary requires skills, passion, and a willingness, perhaps even a compulsion, to venture beyond the accepted, the assumed universal boundaries, and transcend.
The tragedy comes when your talent and drive position you on one place on that bell curve, but you choose another. It works in either direction.
However, if you are in balance with your position, I believe you have a shot at happiness. The trick is, as they say, wanting what you’ve got.
I haven’t quite mastered that trick. I still want to be Bono. Too bad I can’t sing.
Mercy Loomis says
My husband and I have a rule that we started when we first started playing MMORPGs, and which we now apply to many aspects of our lives.
Real Life Always Comes First.
Want to go on a raid, but friends want to go see a movie? RLACF.
Want to work on your novel, but your husband feels neglected? RLACF.
Want to slack off, but you haven’t done your writing quota for the day? RLACF.
It’s the definition of real life that changes. 🙂 And for us the priority scale goes like this: our marriage (would be “our family” if we had kids), dear friends, making a living, other life goals, chores, hobbies, acquaintances, slack time.
Helps keep things in perspective.
Rachel says
I agree with Bane of Anubis. I haven’t seen the movie specifically because of the type of character it portrays. No offense to anyone who liked the movie, I just can’t get worked up about someone who seems super self-destructive. As for writing, I love to write but I make sure it doesn’t interfere with the rest of my life. If it ever does, I back off and focus on my friends, my family, my other interests.
PurpleClover says
“What do you think about it, and the simultaneously aspirational and destructive writing life?”Wow, was that supposed to be a pep-talk?? How depressing!
sigh.
Anonymous says
There is a saying: “In everything the key is moderation.” Yes, I believe if we did everything in the middle- at the moderate point we can live a long (albeit perhaps boring) life.
But does moderation make brilliance? Or a great athlete? Or great anything?
I would say no. The extreme does. We have all read success stories of those that sacrificed everything to attain their goal. They became the best at whatever they do because they pushed to the limit- the extreme. Just my opinion.
Oh, and The Wrestler is in my Netflix queue
Nathan, I think if you ever wanted to try another career I think you’d be great as a movie reviewer too!
Lois Lavrisa
HeygateLive says
Great posting, and it says a lot about the writing life – except one thing. Writing in itself can be very healing. Despite all the drawbacks – isolation, depression, poverty, complicated personal relationships – the act, like the performance of an athlete – can be intensely redeeming.
I mean, why the hell else would you put up with everything that goes with it?
Marilyn Peake says
Mira said:
“I think it may take more than one lifetime – maybe several – to really become the best possible writer you can be.”
In doing research on time travel for my sci fi novel, I discovered the Many-Worlds Theory of Quantum Mechanics, and read some fascinating books about it. According to that theory, all possible worlds we can imagine already exist, and scientists will eventually figure out how we can travel among them. So, you see, in some worlds, we’re already famous writers … We just need a time travel machine to experience the reality! 🙂
Vegas Linda Lou says
Lois, that’s a great point about moderation not producing greatness–I totally agree. What’s sad is when people go marching down a path without stopping to assess their talents, or worse, they don’t bother to hone their skills. I can’t tell you how many writers I’ve met who expect to hit it big–really big–but who have no realistic idea of their capabilities.
Silicon Valley Diva says
Sure, I bet there are some artists or writers out there that give up everything else in life. Whether they make it or not, I feel deep pity for them. If their entire life is writing, than that must be an empty life indeed.
As much as I live and breathe to be a writer, I’m not willing to sacrifice my family. They will always come first.
Neglecting everything else in life to fulfill some dream is not just unique to the writing profession, however. I haven known people in the business world who have become estranged from their families, all because the end goal of attaining a huge fortune was ALL they wanted in life.
Anonymous says
Help, someone hacked into my Netflix account and the only movie on my queue is Mall Cop, over and over! I can’t watch it anymore but it keeps coming…
Mira says
Marilyn,
Lol. But no, I think this world is the one in which we become famous authors. At least you, anyway. 🙂
It’s the other worlds where we know how to fly and can move objects with our minds.
Anonymous says
If you have to try that hard, you ain’t that good. Face it. Some people can just do it with a lot less work than you.
CNU says
Not all self destructive people are writers and not all writers are self destructive. Sometimes there’s overlap, but this stems more from the ability to articulate emotion, which seems most palpable when it’s misery or bliss. No one wants to write about how ‘great’ mediocrity is.
This is especially true if one is writing about Tragedies, which are meant to give catharsis to the audience through the outpouring of emotion for the afflicted. We’re all guilty of this vicarious pleasure at some point or another. (* The song “Vicarious” by the rock band, “Tool” speaks of this phenomenon. *)
It’s similar to trite consolations to the third world. When people act it’s charity.
When people talk about it- it’s narcissism.
My personal view is that life itself is suffering, thus to hide from it is pointless. You might as well try to hide from sunlight. Learn, grow, experience. Love the pain for what it is- a strict teacher that will illuminate the pleasurable moments.
Good topic.
Peace,
-C
PurpleClover says
Okay so I have to agree with Bane of Anubis.
In all honestly this post hits too close to home with certain aspects (and certain family members). I think it’s selfish. These people are driven by greed and maybe they aren’t totally home upstairs which may be their only saving grace. But anyone that is willing to throw away relationships and be that self-absorbed deserves the ending they get.
I haven’t seen the film so I have to base my opinion on your post. But I think people need limits. Maybe someone can struggle their entire life and finally meet their goal at the very end but then what? Who will you share that with?
For those that don’t subscribe to a belief in a higher power, that ending may be okay. But for me, I do, and I don’t want to be judged with those choices on my record.
I’m not saying you have to give up your dreams or beliefs, but I think you should limit the efforts and lengths you go to in order to follow them.
Jen C says
For me, writing isn’t at all self-destructive. Perhaps it’s because I’m a single gal with no family and no commitments other than what I set for myself. I think the negativity that other people experience is down to guilt, but for me there is no guilt associated with spending hours in front of the computer writing. Or on Twitter. Or blogging. Or on You Tube. Or looking up funny cat pictures.
I don’t know. There always just seems to be more than enough hours in the day.
Other Lisa says
Hmmm…why is it that I suddenly want to recite lyrics from “The Gambler”? 🙂
Anonymous says
Wow. I’ve thought about this a lot and struggled with it:
there are some people who just want more out of life, and in order to achieve it they’re willing to forgo time with friends and family spending hours huddled in front of a laptop…
I’m a mom. My kids are 14 and 10. When your kids are this age, you know, there will be a time–not too long from now–when they’ll be GONE. This is in the back of my mind, always. What. Is. Important. They are. And they always win. I’m not going to sacrifice this one shot I have with them, to wander off too far into ‘my needs’. I’m not saying I do not go for things– I have a novel, an agent, I’m revising– but my LIFE is with them. It makes me sad (and guilty) when I hear of other writers blowing off their families for the sake of their “art.” I hope to never be like that. There is time for everything. Or, I’ll have more time later. I don’t want to have any regrets.
Chuck H. says
Some one once said “Life is what happens while you are making other plans”. That’s me. I had planned to be a famous journalist but they were trying to draft me so I enlisted and stayed for 20 years, picking up a family along the way and writing when I could. I wouldn’t trade what I have for anything but sometimes I wonder what if?
Haven’t seen the movie but understand the character. Maybe I’ll see it when the kids or grandkids or great grandkids aren’t around to distract or I don’t feel like working on my second (unpublished) novel.
Robert A Meacham says
I guess I am neither genius or driven to the point of obsession. Sure, I want to be published and in print with 5 million books. That would be nice. I am a simple man wanting only to be recognized by family that I am, or was after death ,a loving father and husband.
Let me put it this way; If i was on Deal or No Deal and the bank’s offer was a publishing contract, I would turn it down for sure money and then I would give it away for future grandchildren.
The Writers Canvas says
I loved the movie; saw it on opening day. I think that type of persona depends on the person and the various factors added in.
Look at many talented actors who have gone to tremendous depths in their soul to portray a character and it affects them. Mickey Rourke is one example, as he’s said in interviews that this film is his life in acting. Mickey Rourke made the wrong choices, ticked off the wrong people, and wound up on the outskirts, trying to get back in.
While I definitely think artists of any kind (writers, actors, etc.) can feel/perceive more than the average human being walking around, it’s to their advantage to clear their heads and minds so they are the least cluttered–this allows them to be free. And in being free, they are free to invent, create, and soar with the gods.
Elaine