This query is part of the Be an Agent for a Day contest. Rules and Regulations here
Please post your rejection or manuscript request in the comment section!
Dear Agent for a Day,
In a story that will challenge your perception of right and wrong, Nicky Fusco sets out to avenge his wife’s death, and to punish people for an oath that should never have been broken.
My name is Nicky Fusco. I’m a hit man. That’s not always bad, though; sometimes there are reasons for what a person does. I had five best friends growing up, and now three of them are dead. One got shot in a gang fight; one died in a car wreck; and the other one—my best friend—betrayed an oath, so I shot him. It was an oath we had all taken as kids, and after twenty-five years I had kept true to my end of it even though it cost me ten years in prison.
You might think this is cruel, but why don’t you listen to my story and let me tell you about friendship and honor—and what happened in my neighborhood when someone broke an oath.
Friendship and Honor is set in Wilmington, Delaware, and Brooklyn, New York, and is the first in a mystery/suspense series featuring hit man, Nicky Fusco, and Detective Mario D’Angelo. It is complete at 121,000 words. I have been writing for a number of years and am active in the Mystery Writer’s Critique Group as well as The Online Writing Workshop for Science Fiction, Fantasy, and Horror.
Thank you for your time and consideration. A complete manuscript is available upon request.
Sincerely,
Author
STATS: 7% request rate
RainSplats says
Dear Author,
Thank you for your query. Unfortunately it’s not a good fit for me. Best of luck.
-Rain
Enusan says
Thank you for your query. I like your premise but your writing style does not grip me. I’m afraid I’ll have to pass.
Cheers,
Bokai
Alisa says
No, thank you.
Alisa.
Shannon says
Dear Author,
Thank you for submitting your query for FRIENDSHIP AND HONOR for review. Unfortunately, I am not the right person to represent this story. This is a subjective business so another agent may feel differently. Good luck.
Sincerely,
Shannon
lilianamama says
Dear Author:
This was my last decision point, but I think I will pass.
I really wanted you to have a stronger plot breakdown. To do that, remove your first paragraph as you state all of it much more effectively in your next paragraph.
Then tell us in Nicky’s voice what his “breaking point” was. Why does he take action now. Then what happens? How does that effect him and make him a better or worse person?
I suspect you’ll have no problem finding representation and wish you the best.
collegelife says
I am interested in learning more…
Cat Moleski says
Dear Author,
Thank you for your submission. I am interested in reading more. Please send me your first fifty pages.
Cat
Joy says
Dear Author,
Thank you for your submission and your interest in using me as an agent. After taking some time to consider your material, I have decided that this isn’t right for me.
Best of luck in your writing endeavors,
Joy
Tip: I’d skip the third paragraph because it sounds preachy. I think the second paragraph is a good hook on its own. Great start. Keep querying me.
Bekkoni says
Dear Author,
Thank you for your submisson. Unfortunately, this novel is not a good fit for me.
Best Wishes,
Bekkoni
Aisling says
Dear Author,
I am sorry to inform you that I am not interested in your book. It does not fit with what I am looking for right now so I regret to tell you that, although I appreciated you sending me your query, I would not like to represent your work. I wish you the best of luck with your future writing!
Aisling
Anonymous says
Dear Author,
I appreciate you sending in your work, but I don’t think its right for me.
Best of luck,
Keith Champaign
Rae Bateman says
Dear Author,
Thank you for your submission, but this is not for me. I wish you luck in finding a home for your manuscript.
All the best,
Rae
Anonymous says
Dear Author,
I liked it. Send me more
Backdoor Trojan
Anonymous says
Dear Author,
I appreciate your time and efforts, but I am sorry to say that I do not wish to represent your story. If you have another story idea, please send it to me in the future, and I would be happy to look at it.
Best Wishes,
Quintus Blackburn
Anonymous says
Dear Author,
I’m sorry, but this story is not right for me. Thanks for sending me your request, I really appreciate it. Please continue writing.
Veronica Lovette
Anonymous says
Dear writer,
I enjoyed your query, but I’m afraid I’m not the right agent to represent this work. I’d love to see more of your writing.
Gloria Valentine
Anonymous says
Dear Pursuing Author,
After thoroughly reading your query, I feel that your story might have some real potential, and that it holds a lot of the qualities that we are looking for at this time. Please send us the first 30-50 pages of your story for further reviewing.
Thank you,
Pepe Habanera
Chuck H. says
Dear Author,
Sorry to say this just didn’t grab me. Good luck with your search for representation.
Sincerely,
Chuck
(Sorry, I don’t believe in making heros out of criminals. The daily news does enough of that already.)
Anonymous says
Dear Author,
Thank you for the submission, but I regret to inform you that I will not be picking up your story.
Keep Writing,
Agent Jackie Moon
Anonymous says
Dear author,
I appreciate your query and found your concept interesting; however, it is just not what I am looking for. I look forward to future queries from you!
Thank you, Scarlett Cyrus
Anonymous says
Dear Author,
I think your novel has real potential, please send me a full manuscript for further review.
Anonymous says
Dear Author,
I have decided not to take up your offer on publishing this book. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to view your material.
Thank You,
Happy Gilmore
Asherose says
Dear Author,
Thank you for your submission, but it isn’t for me at this time. Best of luck with it elsewhere!
Agent
Reasoning: It’s hard to pin down with this one. I felt a little ‘told to’, meaning, I was a little put off by being told the story would challenge my perception of right and wrong, implying the writer already knew what that is. I know that’s subtle, but it is honestly what I felt. I also though the blurb was more like a partly-written section of story than like a blurb, maybe because of the first person and second person. The ‘about’ para is great, and the query structure was generally good.
Eva Ulian says
Thank you for your submission but I do feel you will need to add more importance/distinction to that oath in order to make your manuscript stand out from the rest of this genre
LateInTheGame says
Dear Author,
Thank you for your query. Unfortunately, I am not the best representative for your work.
Good luck in your search for representation.
All the best,
Agent LateInTheGame
drat says
Dear Author,
Thank you for sending me your query. I gave it careful consideration, but ultimately I concluded I’m not the right agent for the book.
If you gave more of a feel for what kind of environment the protag grew up in, or some of the actual conflict (not the philosophy behind it) that might work better.
Good luck with your manuscript, and query widely!
Thanks,
SDC
Gryph says
Dear Author,
Thank you very much for your query. While I appreciate the time and effort you’ve put into your work, I don’t believe this is a good fit for me.
Please remember that what doesn’t fit one agent may well fit another! I encourage you to not give up. In the future, if you have other manuscripts to query, I hope that you’ll think of me again.
Sincerely,
Agent Gryph
SuzieQ Agent4U says
Dear Author,
Thank you for sending me your query. Unfortunately, I don’t feel this is right for me. Good luck with your search.
Best,
S
Kate H says
Dear Author,
Thank you for your query. I’m afraid I’m not the right agent to represent you, but I wish you the best of luck.
Kate H
Reba says
Dear Author,
Thank you for your query. Unfortunately, it is not the right fit for me.
Best,
Reba
s.koncilja says
Dear Author,
I received and read your query. Unfortunately it is not something that I’m looking for at the moment.
Keep me informed about your future work and good luck!
Agent S.K.
Anonymous says
Dear Author,
I regret to inform you that I am not interested in representing your story. I hope you have better luck in the future.
Best of luck,
Arkham
superwench83 says
Dear Author,
Thank you for your submission. Unfortunately, your manuscript isn’t right for me. Best wishes in your search for an agent.
Sincerely,
Agent for a Day
Nifaerie Noven says
Hi,
Thanks for querying. You have a very strong voice and a rare intimacy with your characters. However, I can not accept your work for representation because it deals with stereotypes of the mob. (You don’t know who I work for!) It’s also a bit on the long side.
Best of luck.
Nikki Hensley says
Dear Author:
Thank you for your submission. Unfortunately, I don’t think I am the right agent for this novel. Best of luck in your search!
Agent Nikki
publishingcareer says
Dear Author
Thank you for your interest in our agency and submitting your query for your novel Friendship and Honor.
I read it with interest but unfortunately it is not what I am looking for.
Best of luck and kind regards.
Yours faithfully
Robert Sullivan AFAD
Melissa says
Form rejection:
Dear Author,
Thank you for your query. Unfortunately it doesn’t meet my needs at this time.
Thank you and best of luck,
Melissa (Ximera)
Just_Me says
Dear Author,
After serious consideration I am forced to pass on this novel. I think you have a great deal of potential and I enjoy your character’s voice. But I am not comfortable enough with the subject matter of revenge to be the right advocate for this work with an editor.
Should you write another series with a more optimistic tone I would be delighted to hear about it.
Sincerely,
Agent
Dave says
Sorry, but I’m going to have to pass. Don’t give up though!
vicariousrising says
Thank you for your submission. Please send me your full manuscript. I look forward to having the opportunity to review your work.
just this girl says
Dear Author,
Thank you for submitting your query to Be an Agent for a day. Unfortunately I will have to pass on this. Although I found the premise interesting (why did he choose to become a hitman?) I found the writing in your synopsis awkward.
Best of luck,
Just this girl
Hallie says
Dear Author,
Thank you for submitting your query to My Imaginary Yet Successful Literary Agency. I receive many queries each day, and I request only a small percentage of manuscripts that I’m interested in representing. I have decided not to request one for your book because I don’t feel that I’m intrigued enough to be its best representative.
Should you need resources for querying, finding writing resources and groups, or if you’d like to know more about how I choose manuscripts, please visit (this section of my agency’s website) for more information. I wish you the best of luck in finding a home for your writing. Thank you again for giving me the opportunity to consider your work.
Warm regards,
Hallie
__________________________________
And if I were fortunate enough to be able to give some feedback to each and every author I declined, I’d note the following:
I wish I could give better feedback, but the query didn’t make me want to read more. Someone else might want to, though, so good luck!
Kendra says
Dear Author,
Thank you for submitting your work. Unfortunately, this is not a project I feel I can sucessfully represent. Good luck in your writing.
Kendra
Hildegarde512 says
Thank you for submitting however [If I were a real agent, a GENTLE FORM REJECTION would exist here].
Jada says
Form rejection.
Reason: Not enough detail about the story. I would take out the parts written from your character’s POV and use the room to outline the plot, and give details about your MC and the conflict he faces. Include pages and your MC’s voice will have the chance to be heard.
Vic K says
Thank you for submitting to my agency, however I’m going to take a pass at this time.
Vic K
Reason; At the end of the day, I wasn’t caught up enough in the concept.
Anonymous says
Dear Author,
Thank you for considering me. Unfortunately I have to pass. Reason for rejection – personal taste.
Best of Luck!
Agent X-9
Anonymous says
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to represent you. Unfortunately this work is not for me. Good luck with your search for representation. Agent Festus Crapper
abouttothunder says
Dear Author,
Thank you for the opportunity to represent your work. Unfortunately, it isn’t a good fit for me. Since you deserve an agent who will fully support you project, I will have to pass.
I wish you the best of luck in finding representation.
Sincerely,
Agent-for-a-day
P.S. It might be a little bit long for the genre. What really worked for me in your query letter was the opportunity to hear your character’s voice. I think his story might be interesting, but at least as represented here, his voice is not distinctive enough. That’s very subjective and it’s a close call.
Heather says
Dear Author,
Thank you very much for taking the time to query our agency. I have given your project thoughtful consideration; unfortunately, it is not a good fit for us at this time because, although the project seems to be well conceived, I feel the manuscript may need extensive editing prior to being ready for shopping at publishing houses. However, after a revision of your manuscript to bring the work to a tighter length, typical of the genre, please feel free to resubmit to my attention.
Best Wishes,
Heather