UPDATE: VOTING IS CLOSED!
Ladies… gentlemen… Chris Harrison…
This has been an incredible journey. I can honestly say this has been the hardest decision of my life, and it just kills me to have to decide who gets to stay… and who has to go home. I really hate to say goodbye to these amazing paragraphs, but I had to look inside my heart and find the first paragraphs I really connected with on an emotional level. Thank you to all of you for being here tonight.
(deep breath)
I only have 7 roses to give out tonight.
But first, let me discuss with the camera in a pained voice some of the things that helped me make my decision.
While I met over 600 beautiful women er, paragraphs in the course of this journey, some of them just weren’t in it for the right reasons. Here are some of the things I was looking for, and a few of the reasons some of the paragraphs did not receive a rose this evening (besides the fact that some of the paragraphs had shotgun-wielding fathers).
I crave originality. When establishing a world in a first paragraph, it is so so so important to avoid cliches and sentence crutches. One easy way of telling if you’re using one of these is to run a “find” in the comments section for key phrases in your paragraph. For instance, Chris, I hate to single these lovely paragraphs out but the phrase “the last thing X expected” was used five times.
Also, trust is just so important in a relationship, and I really had a lot of respect for the first paragraphs who trusted me as a reader. Some of the paragraphs who will not receive roses tonight had too many redundant words of emphasis. When they said something unexpected, they followed up with superfluous emphasis, as in “No, really.” or “Literally.” or “Seriously.” or “I’m not talking about this, I’m talking about THIS” You have to trust the reader to recognize when something is surprising, and if you do have to qualify it, it means you probably could have written it better the first time.
Lastly, I found myself attracted to first paragraphs who didn’t try too hard — they didn’t try too hard to be literary, and they weren’t too chatty. A healthy middle ground is simply amazing.
(another dramatic pause — have I mentioned the candles??)
The first rose…. goes to MAY VANDERBILT.
Let me tell you — it took hours and hours to go through the entrants to pick finalists, and I seriously cannot thank May enough for her help. For the love of all things Bachelor, please subscribe to Good Girl Lit, buy THE BOOK OF JANE, and express your appreciation to May — this was a tremendous task, and the mere thought of trying to choose finalists without May gives me hives. Not that I get hives. Moving on.
Now for the finalists in the Largely Indispensible First Paragraph Challenge…
IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER…
The second rose…. goes to Sophie W.:
Oh no, it’s some kind of infestation, Rosemary thought, prodding the ground with her boot. Next to the barn were several fist-sized holes, just big enough for rats, or worse, imps. She hated imps. They were always getting into the larder and causing a fuss.
The third rose…. goes to eric:
There’s this girl I’ve never met that I know everything in the world about. Well, most everything. Not the big stuff, I guess. Like what she prayed about when she would cry at her bedside or whether she really believed those prayers might get answered. And I never knew all of the reasons for the crazy shit she did, but hey, who really does? I did know other stuff though. The real freaky-deaky shit. Like how she would crack open her father’s disposable razors with a pair of pliers she kept stashed behind her dresser and how she’d slice herself up. Sometimes I think she left her window blinds open that way just so somebody, anybody, me–a guy she never met–would know. Not that she was some kind of attention whore. Just about everybody is some kind of attention whore. Not Scissors, though. And I could testify in court to that, since, I’m like, some kind of authority on the girl.
The fourth rose…. goes to CC:
Brooklyn didn’t know very much about me. Actually, the girl knew surprisingly little, which was exactly what I needed in a friend. She didn’t ask intrusive questions and I didn’t have to lie or have my heart pound while I searched for acceptable answers. She wasn’t into meaningful conversation and heartfelt talks. She was light, snappy, and never depressed. And most importantly, she wasn’t my responsibility.
The fifth rose…. goes to Emily Ryan-Davis:
Life inside a piano isn’t all knitting cobweb sweaters and napping. It’s dangerous. Every time a clumsy student flings himself at the bench and bangs on the ivories, just to see his fingers walk across the black and whites, I face death. The action’s unpredictable. If I’m in the wrong place at the wrong time, I could lose my head.
The sixth rose…. goes to Aden:
He was short and skinny, shorter than the others, and never wore a shirt when he ran. His thin arms flailed as he kept ahead of us and we all wondered how. He was so fast. But mostly we watched the bouncing scars on his back and thought about how he got them. We called him the Wizard. It was because of his hair, wild black mass with a white shock hanging in the front. That’s how I thought of him. The Wizard. I wish I knew what names they had given him but I never asked. Between us, there was an unspoken rule: everything would remain unspoken.
Chris Harrison: “Paragraphs, Bachelor… this is the final rose this evening.”
The last and final rose…. goes to Regan:
The great flaw in the system was that some of the Children remembered what it felt like when they were taken. It was impossible to tell who would remember–temperament, age, gender, none of them seemed to matter. The flaw persisted despite all of the technicians’ attempts to eradicate it. In rare cases a Child, newly imprinted, would awaken at odd hours of the night, crying for reasons she couldn’t explain or shaking with a nameless dread and a desperate feeling that something wasn’t right.
Chris Harrison: “Paragraphs, Bachelor…. If you did not receive a rose this evening, please take a moment.. and say your goodbyes.”
IF YOU RECEIVED A ROSE TONIGHT: please e-mail me at nb@cbltd.com — you are entitled to a query critique. I know some of you don’t need a query critique because you’re all agented and everything, but we’ll figure something to properly reward your awesomeness so e-mail me anyway.
Now is the time for voting. Here are the procedures:
In the comments section of THIS POST, please vote for your favorite paragraph. Anonymous votes will not be counted, so please either sign in to Blogger or use your real name. Please do not openly campaign for yourself or others on the Internet or via e-mail (this is a meritocracy), and irregular voting activity will be monitored and mercilessly punished.
Thank you so much to everyone who entered — I really appreciate that everyone put themselves out there by entering, the response was seriously overwhelming. And trust me, it was ridiculously difficult to pick finalists — there were many close calls and tough decisions.
What an amazing journey.
Scott from Oregon says
Oh… THAT MAY…
OK.
I vote for the Wizard…
Sharon says
I vote for Sophie W and those pesky imps.
Sophie W. says
Oh my God, Nathan. This made my day. Homecoming game was cancelled, the girl’s game was cancelled, Homecoming might be delayed and I have two tests on Monday (after Homecoming!?), so basically life sucks for me right now…
And then I saw this blog post and my life is no longer beating me over the head. I will triumph over Homecoming Blues and destroy those tests! I CAN DO ANYTHING!
Neptoon says
Aloha Nathan and May,
Mahalo for the funfest. Insanity can be good!
Vote: Emily Davis-Ryan
She made me want to see the next paragraph.
Hey…speaking of insanity…how bout a contest for the second paragraph?
Michael says
I vote for Sophie W. and her imps. I sympathize with the imps in the larder problem.
The Anti-Wife says
Aden
Makes me want to know more
Stacey says
Aden – great imagery!
Deborah K. White says
I really liked Sophie W., Emily Davis-Ryan, and Regan’s first paragraphs, but I guess I’ll vote for..um…
I vote for Regan. Tell me when the story/book comes out, ’cause I’m buying it.
Lill says
Sophie ….
If the finalists were books in a bookstore, Sophie’s is the one I ‘d take to the cashier.
Marva says
Emily Davis-Ryan because I like fantasy and her idea just sounds so darned original. Just what lives in the piano? I’m dying to find out.
I’d give 2nd to Sophie’s imp infestation. Again, I like fantasy.
Danette Haworth says
Regan!
Sue Eves says
Her paragraph won my heart in the long list –
I vote for Emily Davis-Ryan.
Thanks Nathan
cynjay says
Emily Davis-Ryan.
Southern Writer says
Thank you two for all your hard work. I don’t know what you were thinking when you didn’t choose mine, but I forgive you.
All the winners are great, but my vote goes to Eric. That opening line still grabs me.
Morgan St. John says
Emily Ryan-Davis. Love that bit.
AmyB says
I vote for Eric.
Monica says
Emily Davis-Ryan.
Loved it.
Morgan St. John says
SERIOUSLY, her name is Emily Ryan-Davis… 😀 [i double checked about 10 times… so I wouldn’t look like an idiot!]
I’m cheering CC on as well even if I did like Emily’s better. WHOOT!
BookEnds, LLC says
I have to vote. Eric. When all is said and done his is the one that I can’t forget.
Nathan Bransford says
Morgan St. John-
Thank you so much for pointing out that it’s Emily RYAN-DAVIS. Ack!! I have no idea how that happened — I thought I copied straight from the comments. My apologies to Emily.
Kristina S. says
I relaly like Adens! That one has my vote!!!
Sirena says
Congratulations to all who received a rose, they were well deserved. I only found this blog when I heard about the contest but I thought I would add my voice to the masses and vote.
I picked Regan’s paragraph. It was haunting and made me want to read more.
Now do I get a second and third vote?
jadedmetaphor says
I’ll vote for Regan, but they were all intriguing.
Thanks for hosting this, Nathan.
Church Lady says
CC–I liked the first line in the last contest as well.
Congrats to everyone!
Sally Kalkofen says
I vote for Emily Ryan-Davis!
Go, Emily!! 🙂
cate says
Emily Ryan-Davis
Teresa says
Of the choices, Regan gets my vote. Congrats to everyone who got a rose and thanks to Nathan for the opportunity to enter.
Karen McQuestion says
I vote for Regan!
Other Lisa says
Oh, man…that photo of the Bachelor guy cracks me up…was he really sooo cheesy and plastic as he appears?
Kit Wylde says
As I am a friend of one, I cannot vote (a bit biased LOL), but I enjoyed all of them. 🙂
Kit
danceluvr says
I really like Sophie W’s first paragraph. Short, simple language that intrigued me. Imps; how fun!
My second choice would be Emily Ryan-Davis’ life inside a piano. I just have to know what is it? A mouse? Or maybe a cockroach?
julief says
I don’t know how i’m supposed to vote when there all such stellar paragraphs. Seriously. I’ve been thinking about it all day.
Ultimately, I’ve decided to vote for Regan (which I think I read before, possibly on SYW on AW?). But even now I feel a tug to several of the others.
Congrats to the finalist! And thanks for taking on the tremendous task of judging, Nathan and May.
dramabird says
First … my vote goes to Emily, because I immediately recognized the paragraph from the 600+ that I’d read through. I’d love to know … *is* it a spider living in that piano? Or perhaps an imp? 😉
Second … my sincere thanks to both Josephine Damian and “lisa” for their kind remarks on my “redheaded or stupid” paragraph. That truly made my day, roseless though it was. 🙂
Jordan says
I vote for Sophie. You are a beast and you KNOW IT.
McKoala says
Tough call, but… Regan
Aden says
Ach, the turbulence! Nathan, you almost killed me–amped up on Coke and ice cream, now this. And to be in such humbling company… I’m really honored.
My vote goes to Sophie, and her beautifully rendered stiff-upper-lip paragraph about the imps.
Good luck to the finalists and thanks, Nathan, for running the competition.
Derek says
My vote goes to Sophie W and the Imps. I loved its offhand simplicity.
Dead Man Walking says
@Not even close. Aden.
Jenyfer Matthews says
CC
SzélsőFa says
Regan.
Thank you for the opportunity for taking part.
sex scenes at starbucks says
Regan
Lisa says
Regan. It’s the only one where I feel like reading the book. If you ever take her on as a client and get her published let me know where I can buy it.
Kylie says
I vote for Regan and the Children. That really makes me want to find out what’s going on.
Anonymous says
I vote for Sophie W’s paragraph.
Great first sentence too! Good luck.
Kimberly Lynn
emilyofnewmoon says
I vote for… Sophie! And thanks again for the contest.
Laurel Amberdine says
Wow, this is hard! Juding all the entries must’ve been overwhelming.
I don’t know about everyone else, but when I tried reading through the original entries, I seemed to like nearly everything I read, or dislike everything… depending on my mood more than the paragraphs themselves. Weird.
The finalists are all great! But if I have to pick just one… I vote for Emily Ryan-Davis.
Congrats, guys!
Linnea says
I made my choice by imagining myself in a bookstore opening books at random and reading the first paragraph. Which one would be the most difficult to put down? Regan’s. I vote for Regan.
andracill says
CC 🙂
Rising says
Sophie.
Simple and intriguing.
Emily Ryan-Davis says
I’d take Sophie W’s book home with me. Such a casual, off-hand treatment of an unusual situation – catches my attention immediately.
It took me ’til this morning to get past the excitement of seeing my own paragraph to focus long enough to read the other finalists. 🙂 Congratulations and good luck to everybody!
Am I allowed to give an e-mail address? Some voters mentioned they’d like to say why they voted, and I’m curious! If I’m not allowed, I’ll take my flogging like a big girl. If I am allowed, my e-mail address is emily.ryandavis @ gmail.com