I tend to be an overly logical person. I can’t listen to the song “Whoomp! (There It Is)” without cringing every time Tag Team raps, “These three words when you’re gettin’ busy/Whoomp there it is.” It’s four words. FOUR WORDS!! 1) Whoomp 2) There 3) It 4) Is. Geez. Come on, Tag Team. Get it together.
And yet every now and then I like to shock my fiancee by buying a lottery ticket, such as when I spontaneously bought a Mega Millions ticket even though I had a better chance of being immediately beamed to Pluto by space aliens — someone has to win, right? There’s something about beating the odds that appeals to me.
All of this is to say that I really like queries. I like them a lot! Yes, I have to reject virtually all of them, it takes a huge amount of time, and the odds aren’t good. But I really enjoy reading them. I like the good ones, I like the bad ones (except these), I particularly like the ones that don’t make any sense whatsoever. It’s anything but a drag, and I swell with a rosy hopeful feeling every time I start to read a query. I’m always hoping someone is going to beat the odds.
I’m telling you this because lately I have been receiving quite a few queries where the author thinks it best that we both first acknowledge how horrible the query process is and how much time we’re wasting before we get to the actual part of the query where the author tells me about the story.
Things like: “I know you’re probably slogging away and it must suck to read all these queries, believe me, this sucked to write too, but anyway, here’s my story, not that you’re probably reading past this because reading queries is so boring, but hopefully since I’m acknowledging how horrible it is to read queries and demonstrating my self-awareness about how much this process is ridiculous you’ll actually read my story.” (I made that up, but it’s not far off)
Look: no apologies necessary. Maybe people have gotten the idea from some blogs that we literary agents sneer at every hopeful author who crosses our desk, love to skewer the bad ones and laugh maniacally every time we press the reject button. But I’m here to tell you: queries are not unpleasant to read. You’re not going to find a sympathetic ear with me if you want to complain about the query process, because I find that it is an incredibly effective mechanism for weeding through submissions, and I don’t mind the time I spend reading them. Respect the process, people.
If you want to sneer at someone, I have three words for you: sneer at Tag Team.
Need help with your book? I’m available for manuscript edits, query critiques, and coaching!
For my best advice, check out my online classes, my guide to writing a novel and my guide to publishing a book.
And if you like this post: subscribe to my newsletter!
Dwight's Writing Manifesto says
Those are four words.
Soooo…
You’re saying to aim for the middle ground between “I’ve written the next DiVinci Code bestseller!” and “Have pity on a poor, self-deprecating, wordschloggin’ mench, wouldja?”?
D’oh. It’s just so complicated.
Nathan Bransford says
Don’t worry, the middle ground between “Pity me!” and “Let’s make money together!” is vast.
Terry-O says
Nathan, what a fun blog. I love it. Had to comment on the music thing, ’cause this lyric has always driven me NUTS. It’s from the Counting Crows song, “Round Here.”
“Round here we talk just like lions, but we sacrifice like lambs.”
Arghhh! Do lambs sacrifice? NO! Lambs ARE SACRIFICED, and it would’ve been just as easy for him to sing, “we’re sacrificed like lambs.”
It comforts me to know there are others in the world who are bugged by stuff like this, so thanks.
Ithaca says
Got an e-mail from a reader with a description of the children’s book he was writing:
No moral! No fucking princesses!!!!
I thought: Great query letters are made of this.
sex scenes at starbucks says
Someone asked me recently if it was tiresome to slog through the slush at my zine in order to find the good stories. Frankly, the question confused me (and made me feel sad that this writer felt this way). Most of the stories are well-written and fun to read. The rejected ones just usually are missing some element I look for; it’s either not right for my magazine or it’s just not quite there yet.
And yes, clearly “Whoomp, there it is” is FOUR words, and no, lambs do not sacrifice.
sex scenes at starbucks says
By the way, I had an idea from your first line questioni: Maybe you could have a favorite first line contest. We wee readers could enter the first line from our novels-to-be in your comments section and then we all could vote–or you could choose which you like best.
Your first contest. Wouldn’t that be exciting??
Nathan Bransford says
SS@S-
Shhhh….. This week’s You Tell Me was a warmup to the very contest you are talking about. An announcement will be made tomorrow.
Also I think you can see the future.
Anonymous says
I have questions! I’m a regular visitor and commenter, but I’m keeping this one anonymous. I have two questions.
1) I’ve been reading your archives. Several articles and many comments mention how fast you are to respond to queries. With that in mind, how long should a writer wait to email you when he or she has received no response?
2) Our Beloved Miss Snark has left me confused with what seems like conflicting advice. On one hand, she told us to keep querying until we’ve queried a hundred agents. Not sure if that’s the number, but it was a lot. On the other hand, she told us to research agents before querying. When I researched agents to query, this narrowed my list down to only 22 as being compatible. What’s the deal with that?
Anonymous says
I am an agented writer, but when I was in the query stage, I loved sending queries. It was like getting Christmas cards in the mail when I got a “yes” back from an agent.
Just in case other writers are rolling their eyes with that comment–I had some rejection to my queries and plenty of rejection after sending my proposal. All writers and agents run into rejection.
Nathan Bransford says
Anon@10:53
1) If it’s a query and you haven’t heard from me in two weeks then you might e-mail again. If you haven’t heard from me it probably means something went wrong. But this only goes for me and otherwise I’d direct you back to the one month rule.
2) If you are operating in a very specific genre, you may indeed only have 22 agents, although even if you have a specific genre that seems like a low number — how strict are you being when weeding out candidates? It may be that you need to widen your net a bit.
Other Lisa says
Regarding the lottery: I heard a scientist explain it thusly. Someone will win, but mathmatically, it will never be you.
I can’t accept this! The lottery is my retirement plan! It’s either that, or Publisher’s Clearinghouse.
Linnea says
Funny you should mention Publisher’s Clearinghouse. I just got my $10,000,000 enticement in the mail yesterday. With that much money someone else could clean this darned house, cook all the meals and leave me alone so I could write! Made a note on the queries. No rhetorical questions. Good. I don’t do it but I see it so often on writers forums that I was beginning to think I was the crazy one!
Linnea
Tom Burchfield says
Thanks for the words of comfort . . .
Anonymous says
Other Lisa, I hate to break it to you, but your risk of being killed in some sort of motor vehicle accident this year is about 1 in 6,500; whereas your chances of winning the lottery are about one in 14 million.
I’m not trying to be a kill joy, I’m just against regressive taxation in all forms.
Another kill joy says
Actually, the odds of winning Publishers Clearinghouse is far worse:
“The odds of winning a recent $1 million prize were one in 136 million, and one in 330 million for a $10 million prize.”
Well, I’ve got to run outside now and get struck by lightning (576,000 to 1.) See you.
Nathan Bransford says
another kill joy-
I also hear the odds of successfully navigating an asteroid field are approximately 3,720 to 1.
Annnnnnnd my true colors show.
sex scenes at starbucks says
I can! I can see the future.
It’s my platform for my new futuristic sci fi novel. 🙂
Other Lisa says
Well, see, that’s why Publisher’s Clearinghouse is my backup plan.
Christopher M. Park says
Maybe Tag Team was actually making the subtle comment that “Whoomp” isn’t actually a word?
Chris
Nathan Bransford says
There is no explaining the lyrics. They’re just wrong. I don’t think a group who wrote the lyrics “there’s a party over here/a party over there/wave your hands in the air/shake your derrier” deserves the benefit of the doubt.
burgy61 says
“I particularly like the ones that don’t make any sense whatsoever.”
Might I ask why you like these in paticular, is it they are amusing or thought provoking?
Nathan Bransford says
burgy61-
I really wish I could print some of these (ethically, I just don’t think it’s the right thing to do). But some of them are just amazing. The absolutely-true alien encounters, the “true crime” works written by the people who actually committed the crime… it really just goes on and on. There’s a sort of genius in being so bizarre.
Brian says
“I also hear the odds of successfully navigating an asteroid field are approximately 3,720 to 1.”
Oh my gosh, Nathan, you are SUCH a nerd!
NEVER TELL ME THE ODDS!
Geek check! Oooh, busted.
And I’m outta here…
jjdebenedictis says
The lyric that always made me squirrelly came from “In the Time it Takes”, by Beth Nielson Chapman:
…like a star that’s travelled years to shine…
The physics geek in me has apoplexy every single time. The star’s light travelled years to shine on us. Not the friggin’ star itself.
dr. love says
Nathan:
If an author approaches you saying they already have an editor/publisher interested in publishing their book, do you still go through the same process about deciding on representation? Or do you say: “Sweet, easy money.”
Just curious.
Nathan Bransford says
dr. love-
It’s still the same process. I don’t tend to represent one-off projects and I need to make sure I’m totally on board with the author before I commit.
Dave Wood says
Maybe those clever lambs have been fooling humanity all this time and manipulating us into sending them to the gods.
Take a look at the first paragraph of the sample query letter on the Predators and Editors site: “What if the President of the United States committed a murder in front of you? What if you were a member of his Secret Service protection? Would you arrest him? Would you report the crime? Or would you cover up the crime to protect the nation because of an international crisis?” That’s. like, *four* of the dreaded things. Though, I suppose, if you could write a scenario that made the idea seem plausible, the questions wouldn’t really be rhetorical.
Janet says
Very timely comment, Nathan. I read just today that a novelist in Poland was arrested when the police realized that one of his recent novels was actually a mostly factual description of how and why he killed his wife. Or was it her lover? Anyway, you get the point. I’m going to try to get a blog post up on it later.
original bran fan says
Silly me, I kinda thought “Whoomp” was the sound and “There it is,” where the three words. Sort of like “Pow! Right in the kisser.” Pow! is simply the sound effect.
Buy a lottery ticket, don’t buy a lottery ticket…your odds of winning are pretty much the same. My hubby is fond of walking up to the lotto kiosk, taking out his money, NOT buying a ticket, then waving the money around and saying, “Look! I won two dollars!”
You can see why I love that man.
Tammie says
What a great post – after reading agents blogs every day one does start to wonder if receiving a query makes an agents skin crawl and not in a good way.
Can’t wait to hear the rules for tomorrow!
Eliza says
It’s three words.
“Whoomp! Deh’i dis.”
I’m done.
*gets busy*
Serenissima says
The odds I’m masochistic enough to want a better sense of are:
1) For those who’ve written a novel, what are the chances of acquiring representation?
2) For writers who’ve landed an agent, what are the odds of being published?
And I’m also anal about song lyrics. Used to drive me crazy in TLC’s “Waterfalls” when they sang about “AIDS” being three letters.
MLM says
Nathan,
This applies more to yesterday’s post, but I’m running behind this week and you’ve got like A HUNDRED comments there already…
Have you ever asked readers what their favorite LAST line is? Just curious what the responses would be.
jjdebenedictis says
1) For those who’ve written a novel, what are the chances of acquiring representation?
2) For writers who’ve landed an agent, what are the odds of being published?
I’m not the expert, of course, but I’ve heard agents reject about 95% of everything they see. However, that’s because 94% of everything they see is crap.
If you’re a really good writer, your chances of getting representation are really good. If you’re a pretty good writer, you’re probably getting lost in the crap. Strive to become a really good writer; it’s all you can do.
Once you have a credible agent with a record of sales, however, I think it’s the exception for your book to not get published. Most agents won’t take you on unless they know they can sell your book, and usually, they’re right.
cynjay says
I’m with bran fan. “Whoomp” is a sound effect, and thus, technically not a word.
what'sinyoursoul says
Nathan, your true color is brassy gold? No wonder I like this blog.
Nathan Bransford says
Whoa whoa whoa. Sound effects aren’t words?? Onomatopoeia, people!
C.J. says
oh, nate –
i bet you used to bullseye womp rats back home too. y’know they aren’t much bigger than three meters. call me crazy, but i think tag team counted the words and intentionally threw the three words thing in. thanks to everyone for posting yesterday – it was a blast to read, my favorite was the one about the inevitable ass-kicking. solid.
Conduit says
I used to do the lottery every week until I heard it described as The Stupid Tax.
Haven’t done it since.
Sophie W. says
Since we’re being picky, I thought I should point out the spelling of derrière. 😉
Thanks for the post, Nathan. It’s always boggled my mind that writers seem to think that reading the slush pile is a chore for agents. If they weren’t eager to find new authors and exciting manuscripts, they wouldn’t be agents in the first place. So for the love of God, stop apologizing!
Niteowl says
I’m sorry for apologizing! Or considering the possibility of apologizing! I’m also sorry for being sorry about apologizing!
Sorry!
Regretfully Yours (but not too regretfully),
Nitey
Phoenix says
Nathan:
Hypothetically, if you have a contract on the table and you’re looking for an agent, who can you approach of the pack of agents who have already rejected the work?
I’m thinking:
1) If they rejected on just the query, then you can re-query
2) If they rejected the full, then you don’t re-query
But what about if they rejected a partial? Re-query or not?
Looking forward to tomorrow!
Nathan Bransford says
Phoenx-
If they passed on your work and did not ask to see a revision then you don’t re-query.
Curtastrophe says
Thanks Nathan for (again) squashing one of the many myths writers get into their heads and in turn repeat.
What’s your opinion on people who are in the process of writing a novel and post pieces of it online through sites such as this or Myspace? I think this is a good idea because of the critiques a writer can get, but others say just the opposite because of issues like plagarism or idea theft.
I’ve been looking through your archives and haven’t found anything relating to this, so I thought I’d ask it here.
A Paperback Writer says
nathan,
sex scenes at starbuck isn’t necessarily a prophet: murderati is running the same contest this week, so it’s all over the blogosphere!!
Oh, and here’s a good quote for you:
“I can explain in two words: we propose to marry your daughters.” (Pirates of Penzance)
Of course, Gilbert and Sullivan KNEW they were miscounting, so maybe this one doesn’t really qualify.
Nathan Bransford says
apw-
Whaa?? Really? I thought of it first! Uh… even if I haven’t yet implemented it… yet. I wanted to do the warm up You Tell Me.
I’ll have to check out this murderati you speak of.
Nathan Bransford says
curtastrophe-
I think it’s fine to post short excerpts online, although you might want to post other excerpts rather than your WIP. But even if you decide to post your WIP I don’t see the problem with a short excerpt.
Curtastrophe says
That’s what I was thinking too. Thanks.
Lisa says
So this is what you want:
1. Dear Mr. Bransford, (Which means we actually know who we’re sending this to.)
2. This is what my story is about. (Which is followed by a well written description of a really interesting story that you haven’t actually heard 6,238 times already this year.)
This is what you don’t want:
1. Dear #54645684586,
2. Don’t you just hate the query process? It’s really horrible. Boy is it horrible. I feel bad for you reading this…..
I will keep that in mind and try to remember your name when I finish editing my extremely interesting and completely original story that you won’t mind reading the query for.
FrostIntoFire says
This might amuse you. Simon Singh has a similar problem with a song by Katie Melua (UK singer) and proposes a new, scientifically accurate version…
https://www.guardian.co.uk/g2/story/0,,1581445,00.html
She sang the new version on the radio although she had a little trouble fitting all the syllables in.