Lock the doors. Close the windows. Make sure the kids are safe. And for the love of Justin Bobby, stay away from the computer. There is a scourge sweeping the nation.
Normally I am a mild-mannered fellow. I always wave “thanks” when a driver lets me into their lane, and when pigeons hit me in the face with their wings when they fly by me, I blame myself. Pigeons just don’t understand how I walk.
Queries beginning with rhetorical questions, however… this I cannot bear.
UPDATED 5/30/19
And I have some bad news. I’m losing. The frequency of queries beginning with rhetorical questions keeps rising. Sweet Magnolia cupcakes, I’m losing!
I know, I know… What a strange battle to be shedding tears over (yes, I cry every time I receive one of these letters. Leave me alone). But I will riddle you this: there is no way to make a rhetorical question an interesting start to a query.
The more extreme the rhetorical question (Have you ever wondered if space aliens live in your underwear drawer?) the more I want to say, “NO.” The more mundane the rhetorical question (Have you ever felt sad?) the more I want to say, “NO.” Only the second no is more of a sarcastic no, like noooooo, rather than the first no, which is more of a serious no. It’s all about inflection, people.
Some have pointed out that very good ad campaigns have utilized rhetorical questions. Some have pointed out that movie pitches often use rhetorical questions. True and true. Query letters and rhetorical questions, however, go together like peanut butter and asphalt.
So I have a challenge for you today: maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I should surrender the battle and pledge fealty to my rhetorical question overlords. Should you have the talent, the wit, the hardy constitution, write a rhetorical question that would make a great beginning to a query letter. Let’s see if it can be done. I’m ready to be convinced.
Or you could craft the wildest, craziest, most hilarious rhetorical question that would ever grace an agent’s inbox. You know. Whichever one you would find more fun.
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Art: A swarm of locusts by Emil Schmidt
Have you ever had a quest against rhetorical questions?
(HA! I found one you had to say YES to!)
Graham,
You are correct! I did say, “Yes.” Then I tapped my fingers together and said, “Tell me more about this…. quest.”
Although given the way my quest is going, I don’t think it’s going to have a happy ending.
Were you ever taught that rhetorical questions were not meant to be answered?
(another one that deserves a YES!)
Nathan,
Aren’t rhetorical questions ones for which formal answers aren’t required or expected? And, no, that’s *not* a rhetorical question. :O)
In case you haven’t already had your daily allowance of totally useless trivia: According to EATS, SHOOTS & LEAVES (hilarious title, eh?), “In the 1580s, English printer Henry Denham invented a ‘rhetorical question mark’ for use at the end of a rhetorical question; however, it died out of use in the 1600s. It was the reverse of an ordinary question mark, so that instead of the main opening pointing back into the sentence, it opened away from it.”
Hmm…if your would-be authors used this rhetorical question mark, perhaps their queries would be more interesting? :o)
Amanda and MLM,
You are correct that rhetorical questions aren’t meant to be answered, but I never claimed to be normal.
Aren’t you glad I’m not going to type a rhetorical question?
(AHAHA! I’ve always wanted to do that. Sorry, Nathan.)
Have you ever wondered if adding cow manure to asphalt would create an odor so obnoxious that no one would want to drive anymore and would therefore decrease the amount of greenhouse gas in the atmosphere?
“Are you perhaps wondering why I, Michael Chabon, am sending you this query?”
From O.J. Simpson: “Dear Editor, what if I did do it?”
(not that I’m condoning – just trying to win the game)
“Have you ever wondered what it would be like to duct tape Andy Rooney to a chair and beat him to death with a plastic Wiffleball bat?”
Fiction:
“What happens when a narcissistic frat-boy and a chimpanzee who’s up to no good team up to fight crime, correct fashion sense, and save the world from Aunty O’Moldy’s Genuine™ Lard substitute?”
“What would you do if your mind was locked inside a man-eating robot the size of three football fields?”
“Do you often wonder why erotic vampire lit could not be married to a steampunk version of Robo-tech?”
“What if all your fears had been made real, and were hiding under the hat of a short squat man who wore only brown tweed suits”
Non-fiction:
Why exercise when you can Pancakerate™?
Having trouble visualizing your success-path and how it prioritizes with regards to your daily action items?
Have you been looking for a much-maligned System of Success that can have you doubly fabulous, doubly good-looking, and doubly-rich with you lifting a finger?
Not that I’d start my query like this, but it fits:
“What’s a boy to do when his own tits attack?”
“Am I the only one who wonders why there isn’t more literary erotica written featuring protagonists romancing farm animals dressed up in high heeled shoes and corsets?”
Have you ever wondered how to win a war against rhetorical questions?
This sounds like the beginning of an ad campaign to me….yes, that’s it, scroll down to find out how you can by the Rhetorical Question Blaster kit…
Can you imagine a world where your mom’s underwear had never been munched by aliens?
Scott-
You see! That’s a great rhetorical question, but which one would you prefer:
Can you imagine a world where your mom’s underwear had never been munched by aliens?
or
It was just a normal day until Scott saw space aliens eating his mom’s underwear.
I guess my follow-up question would be — is there ever a time when an opening is better because it’s a rhetorical question? It always seems like a non-rhetorical question opening makes it more interesting. But again, I could be wrong.
what happens when one man’s psudo-obsession with jellyfish tanks becomes a murderous obsession?
nathan, you’ve swayed me. when i write the dreaded query letter, i will not cannot may not start with a rhetorical question. cross my heart pinky swear, etc.
so hey, it’s nathan: 1
rhetorical question : 1,000,000,000
it ain’t so bad. =)
Is it wrong when Ricky wants to shake his mother into jello for suggesting, yet again, he’d be better off in law school? This literary agent’s sleepness nights just got a dose of warm milk on acid. The Manuscript that Kicked Me in the Jewels is a slip stream, fantasy drama of 80,000 words.
Nathan –
I think you’re right. Opening lines do sound better without rhetorical questions.
I wasn’t sure before, but after reading that last example you just gave, I think I’ve got to agree. It sounds more focused.
You’ve convinced me.
Now you’ve just got like 10,000 more people to convince, so they’ll stop sending you RQ’s.
Consider the freakin’ lilies of the field, who neither toil or spindle.
Is spindling something the manufacturer forbids? Along with ‘do not fold, spindle or mutilate’?
Ellis
If a whipsmart literary agent were dispensing invaluable advice about the world of querying, would you be smart enough to follow it?
You’d think it would be hard to write an entire book in rhetorical questions, wouldn’t you? Doesn’t it sound like the kind of weird experiment that someone like Beckett would try? But what if someone pulled it off really well? In my novel Don’t You Think?, a famous female singer-songwriter named Paulana Dorrissette (does that sound like someone you know about?) writes a song entirely in rhetorical questions–but who would listen to such a song? And what if this song is the only thing that can stop the imminent destruction of the Earth? Don’t you suppose this scenario would lead to a gripping and hilarious 70,000-word novel?
Wouldn’t you like to read the manuscript? Can you contact me at the information below if so? Is it all right if I thank you for your time?
‘drew-
I just lit myself on fire after reading your pitch.
(actually it’s very funny. Your pitch, not the burns)
Wow. I actually had a contest entry censored and deleted.
Nathan, you’re not really Snark, are you?
Dwight-
Yes, indeed. Please see me after class.
Hmmm, maybe you should post a warning label about this at the top of your blog. All Snarklings know we’re supposed to do our homework first.
Actually Bob Dylan,s song “Blowin in the Wind’ is a series of rhetorical questions, according to Wiki.
Burgy61-
burqy61-
That’s a good point. “How many roads must a man walk down before you call him a man?” is a actually good example of a line that is better because it’s a rhetorical question.
Ok, so — we can make a rhetorical questions ecxeption for Bob Dylan.
Have you ever had really good asphalt peanut brittle?
Jen, Nathan
I agree with you.
‘drew:
Too funny!
Nathan,
I think for the rhetorical question queries you should take a big red Sharpie and write “NO” across it and then send it back.
That might begin to make a dent in your crusade.
Wouldn’t make you any friends though.
Or how about a twist to the time honored fav: Have you ever wondered what life would be like if there were no such thing as hypothetical questions?
“What would you do for a Klondike bar?”
Just rewrite your standard rejection notice to read:
Do you wonder why I’m rejecting you?
In reaction to the latest anon post:
What if this query was accompanied by the best 3 chapters you’ve ever read? Would you write NO across it, as a matter of principle? My male ennui novel, “Agent of the devil” follows a blogging agent who’s trying to change the writing world. Will he stick to his principles, or represent reprehensible authors, who just keep querying with rhetorical questions?
Nathan,
>Can you imagine a world where your
>mom’s underwear had never been
>munched by aliens?
>
>or
>
>It was just a normal day until Scott
>saw space aliens eating his mom’s
>underwear.
But there’s a difference. In my version, having mom’s underwear munched by aliens is normal, and in yours, it’s what makes the day abnormal.
I guess I’d have to say something like:
It was a normal day until Nathan noticed that aliens had not munched his mom’s underwear.
I agree with you about rhetorical questions, but there’s something in my first version that’s lacking in the second.
Guess I’d better work on the second before I submit a query about a world where it’s normal to have your mom’s underwear be munched by aliens. If you light yourself on fire too many more times, well, people might start to talk.
My bit was along the same lines as ‘drew (although his is much funnier and mine would only work as a book for writers):
Don’t you just hate it when newbie writers send query letters stacked with rhetorical questions? How do they think they’ll ever get published? HOW DO I GET OUT OF THE SLUSH PILE? offers the best writing advice ever given in a succient, yet humorous, way. Written by now-crazy-man and former esteemed literary agent Nathan Bransford, this 22,000 word manuscript is sure to make editors and agents weep with joy.
I got it:
Nathan couldn’t imagine a world where his mother’s underwear had never been munched by aliens.
Hmm. I think I might be on to something…
I’m with Nathan on this one. I can’t think of any rhetorical question that isn’t more vivid in simple statement form. The nature of being asked a questing like that is simply distracting at the start of a query.
Of course, before I saw that everyone else had the same idea, I was tempted to submit:
“Have you ever wondered why we keep submitting rhetorical questions to you?”
Of course, that would require a pretty substantive followup, now that I’ve hooked your interest…
One more, and then I think I’ll shut up–until the next one.
In rewriting my rhetorical question as a statement, I think I landed on the reason rhetorical questions don’t work. They address “you” instead of being based on the character.
When you read a question, you might think something like, “Who cares what I can imagine? Who is your character and what’s his problem?”
I’m not even going to try to be clever and come up with a rhetorical question today, but I was thinking perhaps the plague was started by movie trailers. I notice a lot of them begin with the guy with the deep, scary voice asking some sort of rhetorical question.
Thank goodness my agent writes my cover letters now.
Subservient No More might be on to something.
Forget about rhetorical questions for a minute. How many queries do you get that start with “In a world where…”?
Subservient No More and Scott-
I definitely think movie parlance has invaded people’s notions of a query letter (and some people even provide a logline in their query), but you may be surprised to know that I get very few letters that begin with “In a world where…”
I’m as surprised as you are.
Subservient:
Obviously then, we need to start a trend of audio-queries, like the greeting cards that play music when opened. The aversion to rhetorical questions is obviously just a matter of delivery.
😉
Hi Nathan,
How do you feel about starting a query with a question that isn’t rhetorical? I started my query with this question: How can you tell if your doctor cares more about keeping your HMO happy than keeping you healthy? I hit paydirt. Multiple agents were interested, and I got representation.
By the way, I don’t have connections, so agents selected my query from their slush piles.
Thanks in advance for your answer.
OK. I’ve been in school all day so I can see the jelly tank idea has already been used by cj, but I’ll use it anyway with a slightly differnt spin:
Dear Agent Nathan,
What if you returned home from work and found an evil albino trapped inside your jellyfish tank?
Do you think the first words out of your mouth would be: Sweet, my answer is get out of my car?
🙂
JoZ
Have you ever wondered what percentage of the population is trying to write the Great American Novel at this very moment? Unfortunately this is all in vain. Why, you might ask? Because you’re holding the Great American Novel in your hands at this very moment.
Two questions. Cliche. Repetition of cliches. Arrogance. Yep, looks like all the basic elements of the agent-getting query letter are here… wouldn’t you agree?
Subservient has a point, you ask a question and you come off sounding like the “movie guy” voice and if you start of with the “Have you ever wondered?” You come off sounding like Andy Rooney.
Too funny.