My love of query trends is well-documented, and people are often asking me what I see a lot of (whether they want to avoid or capitalize on trends depends on the person). One thing I’m prepared to declare official: the absolute most common titles include the words GATHERING and RISING. I always joke about how the ultimate title is THE SISTERHOOD OF THE CLUB CODE, but I think we’re going to have to change that to THE GATHERING OF THE SISTERHOOD OF THE CLUB CODE RISING.
Anyway, here’s an early You Tell Me since we’re going to be celebrating America’s birthday tomorrow (stay awesome, USA!): You Tell Me a million dollar book title, something that will send people scurrying to the bookstores. And heck, let’s just go ahead and make it a contest. It doesn’t have to be a parody like THE GATHERING OF THE SISTERHOOD OF THE CLUB CODE RISING, it could be something more straightforward like THE HOMEBOY PHONE (I’d buy that in a second) or THE BLACK SWAN (that one is taken, but is extremely awesome).
The winner (chosen at my sole and completely irrational discretion) will get their own query critique, and, of course, the bragging rights that come with winning a contest on a random blog.
Let the games begin!
If I Did It (You Would All Be Dead Now) by Tom Marvolo Riddle
Screwing the Bank
Can I submit more than one?
Chanterelle Billow Crest (ennui of a chef involved in the Manhattan project)
The Eighth Day of the Week (a self help book about time management)
Rumors of the Iron Eagle (memoirs of a US/USSR double agent)
The Invisible Piñata (a romance between a US border guard and an illegal alien)
Toll on the Wire Rode (political satire about internet censorship)
AWP 🙂
Hmm, a million dollar idea… based on two other million dollar ideas… how about HARRY POTTER’S SECRET?
“How To Tell If They’re Secretly Gay.”
Alternate title:
“How To Tell If You’re Secretly Gay.”
Here’s a few…
“The Great Texas Trailer Park Escape”
“The Final 48, or The Five People I’m Going To Meet In Hell”
“How To Kill A Consultant”
Silent Moon
Peace Undisturbed
Capturing Yesterday
The Pickle Jar
A Crack In the Pavement
“Clue Number 32 – Cold Vomit”
“Nancy Drew Her Semi-Automatic”
“Balloon Smugglers”
“A Smoked Cheese Pig and a Whole Lot of Nothing”
“A Pair of Dice in Paradise”
She Uses a Machete to Cut Through Red Tape
Borrowing from the great band, Cake.
Purgatory: It’s Okay
Jack Be Nimble
After I Killed My Sister, I Ate A Small Piece of Cherry Chip Cake
I’ve just developed a crush on Brian.
Just give people what they want:
“Make Millions by Sitting on Your Ass”
or
“Get Rich by Playing Video Games”
Something like that. 😉
Alien Hookers of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
And one I’m actually playing around with:
Happy Cheerful Goth Kids: The Musical
I briefly considered changing the title of my most recently completed novel to (drumroll, please) …
Graveyard Sunday
…because I thought it sounded kind of cool, but it doesn’t actually suit the book.
Related to The Black Swan, a friend of mine often berates me for an insightful observation I once made on the banks of a river…
Swans are Bastards
It’s just that me and swans don’t see eye-to-eye. I intend to write a book exposing their evil one day.
“Spice: A Tale of Two Spouses”
Okay, I don’t know if it’s a million dollars’ worth of title. How about:
“The Men of Greater Influence”
Standing Still In Time
Learning to Break Free
The Secret to Nothing
The Pilot’s Daughter
Waiting for the Moon to Rise
Doodles on Napkins
Randominity
Yesterday and Forever
Geesh, I’m bad at titles….
How about:
“A Surfeit of Tap Dancing Ski Divas”
(a mystery, of course!)
“Evil Exposures”
(could be mystery, could be sf, could be horror)
“To Dream in Multidimensional Colors”
(now that *has* to be a Lovecraftian pastiche!)
The Year of Sweaty Glands
My Six Ex-Wives
Of course it’s a fantasy.
My best real titles (not entries)
– the football movie: Black Sunday
– teen slasher movie: Sorority Babes at the Slimeball Bowlerama
– war: War of the Rats
– humor: The Tail of the Giant Rat of Sumatra; a Hemlock Stones mystery.
Threading the Mallet
Life Sucks, Then You Die: A Love Story
The Year of Saving Bertram from the Secret Code of the Rising and the Gathering
Here are 5:
Smudge: A Ghost Story
Desolation Row
The Death of God
Unbounded
and one from my son:
Mediterranean Peanuts from the Black Lagoon
I can’t edit my last comment/entry. I wanted to change the titles, but whatever. I’ll just put some here. I probably have too many. Oh well.
Behind Bars: The Paris Hilton Story
(oh no, that one probably IS going to become a book. gag me.)
The Moon Is Down( I know, I know – already taken.)
Nutcracker (has great possibilities.)
Snow Silent Tomb
by Colleen Rowan Kosinski
Also: The Soul Jar
Both of titles are possibilities for a fictional book I am writing about people in comas.
Colleen Rowan Kosinski
Parity Vacant
I saw this spray painted on an overpass decades ago and it stuck with me. Always thought it would be a great book title.
When I Said ‘I Do’ (by Hillary Clinton)
Your Guide to Getting Laid—
when you want, how you want, and by whom you want
10 Ways to Skip Taxes and Avoid the Slammer
The Perfect Book for People Who Aren’t
—
subtitle: No…you aren’t.
Why I Hate Tiger Woods
The Bed We Made…Ill-Fated Decisions of Our Gvernment and the Price You’ll Have to Pay
She Never Has to Know
The Gorgon Memoirs
The Gospel According to Cavendish
Oy, “M” Theory!
The Moonshiner’s Sonata
Contests, woot! I can’t resist!
Song Sworn
Ennui: French For Life Sucks And Then You Die
Oh, Hex!
The Accidental King-maker
*Parody Entry*
Rising Sisterhood: A Series of Unfortunate Club Gatherings About The Code of The Magical Pants
This is great! I wish I logged on earlier.
My entries are:
1) The Dream Thief
2) Feathers, Moons, and a Wish for Huyana
3) Tick Tock
4) Random Stings
5) Extraction
How many can we do? And when is this contest over?
Thanks!
OOps, Dream Thief is already a book. Sorry—
Takoda
Tick Tock is also a title–sorry again. But Yay for me, because I love Dean Koontz and just ordered it off Amazon.
I’ll stop now. Good luck to everyone!
Takoda
If You Say Nothing’s Wrong, I’ll Believe You
(Great gift for your bride-to-be)
How To Make Your Literary Agent A Million Bucks (And Make Yourself A Few Dollars In The Process)
The Death Wish of Mickey O’Shannon
Not In My Backyard – A Self-Help Guide To Keeping Your Yard Squirrel-Free
Here’s one I’ve used:
The Evening and the Night
How to Live Like Donald Trump Without Looking Like Him
Back Fat and Unwaxed Lips
Endless Vicissitudes: A Handbook to Your Teenager
Archimedes’ Secret
Okay, last one!
“An Inconvenient Sleuth”
THanks!
1) Crapweasels
2) A Vivacious Man
3) Nirvana Lemmings
4) The Flying Pig Boutique
5) Ow
6) Of Inkwell Eyes and Gothic Mandibles
7) Jukebox of Humiliations
8) The Peanut Butter and Jelly Demon
~Whitemouse
Under the Bleachers
by Seymore Butz
(Okay, try #3. Darn kids keep using my computer)
Crushed By The Weight Of A Hundred Thousand Words
(because I’m really feeling that way)
or The Hundred Thousand Word Conspiracy Code
Sick with the Sun
Mostly Human
The Secret Bride
Problems with a Dead Mother
(self-help)
The Cat in the Pyramid
The Secret Life of Queen Hatshepsut’s Cat
“Popcorn persecution”
‘And Finally …’ by God
‘My Father, the Alien’ by Bill Gates.
‘How To Exorcise Evil Hamsters’
seeking the unseekable
a memoir
This is for my MS under revision: a novel based on the official red light area in Pakistan:
Daughters of Joy and Sorrow
Lighter Side of Black
Deceptive Music
Behind the Open Door.
TERROR AWAKES
Alex
The Slackers Guide to Changing the World
Don’t Read This Book
Ooh, I vote HOW TO LIVE LIKE DONALD TRUMP WITHOUT LOOKING LIKE HIM! Very clever, earl scott.
The Secret Book of Secrets
What Nobody Wants You to Know
Your Mother Never Told You
The Book of Useful Lies
How to Get Away With Everything
The Live Forever Diet (or has that already been used?)
THE TOAST BITCHES
The story of four women who regularly meet in the lunch room, torturing their colleagues with the smell of fresh toast while they discuss their lives, their loves and their hates.
It’s already been used (created) by Mary Oliver for a poem but with an appropriate quotation, it would be a cool book title: LINGERING IN HAPPINESS. (“and soon so many small stones, buried for a thousand years, will feel themselves being touched”)
MLB
1) Cell Phones for Drug Dealers: (How to Stay Ahead of the Law series, Volume 1)
2) Here’s Blood In Your Eye (An Ocular Mystery)
3) Kaleido-scope: The Changing Role of Medicine in America
4) Bloody, Burning Monsters: A Pop-Up Book for Psychopathic Children
No, Paris Hilton’s book would be called Surrounded by Bars for the double value.
I *so* want to see Happy Cheerful Goth Kids the musical.
“Losing Weight on Five Pounds of Chocolate a Day”
Laurel… that’s great! I’m really liking The Book of Useful Lies!
“A Perfect Query”
Writers would queue up to get a copy! It’s a sure winner. 😉
Happy 4th!
The Dead Hand Pill
I can’t take complete credit for this title (in fact, I’m not sure I want to take any credit at all!) because it was dreamed up by a small group of publishers’ reps at a rather boozy soiree a number of years ago. Not that publishers’ reps are in the habit of drinking to excess, mind you, or even that they might make fun of their publishers’ titles, but we all thought that “The Joy of Sex Scratch-and-Sniff Pop-up Book” had a ring to it that would also open the door to a great series.
Cherry Popsicles and Jello Shots
Da Vinci and the Deathly Hallows
How to Finish a Thought: For People Who
My title, “Now.”
You guys are cracking me up. Okay, here are mine:
“Worm in the Rain”
“Clear as Night”
“Herding Cats”
and what the heck,
“Finders Keepers” (my current YA WIP about a young teenage boy who is taken from his family when the father he never met gains custody of him)
On the lighter side:
“Breakingthatcaffeineaddiction”
“Breathing the Life Back into Your Marriage: The Theory and Practice of Genital Resuscitation”
“A Monkey Could Do It: The Secret to Following Trends and Writing Marketable Books”
“OMG LMAO WTF BBQ – Understanding Your Preteen in the Age of the Internet”
Happy 4th!
Liz
Oh, and if we’re only allowed to submit one, just use the top one on my list.
Liz
Barbie’s Conundrum
1) The Wolf Who Cried Boy
2) Coffin City
3) Survival of the Fittest Slave
4) Recycle My Body: True Stories of Plastic Women
5) Waisted: Addicted to Thin
The Life and Death of Black Steve, King of the Pirates.
Ack! We’re not border guards! We are border patrol officers or customs and border protection officers!! I am not a rent-a-cop!!
I’m Okay But Your Mommy’s Dead: The true story of a serial killer
Wherever You Aren’t, That’s Where I’ll Be: A Novel (Women’s fic, naturally)
She Wore Chaps On Wall Street (The real story of insider trading and how it operates.)
Over My Undead Body (the adventures of a soon-to-be vampire seeking revenge on the one who infected her)
Some of these are so bad I love ’em. Not sure about mine, though.
Oh, I had to mention my favorite real title (and it’s a movie): CANNIBAL, THE MUSICAL. Hi-larious.
I love all these.
How about: Harry Potter 8: Harry Potter and the Rising Dark
Really, anything with Harry Potter 8 in front of it would fly out of stores, so I didn’t think that hard about the actual title.
1.) Till Court Do Us Part
2.) The Groovy Tune of Marty Moon
3.) The Trashcan Thief
4.) The Ink Disciples
5.) Pushing the Big Red Button
The Truth behind Colonic Irrigation
Winnar: “A Smoked Cheese Pig and a Whole Lot of Nothing”
Laughed a whole bunch after reading this.
Memoirs Of A One-legged Man In An Ass Kicking Contest
I’m Going To Hell, Will you Save my Place In Line?
or
Hell: I’ll Save You a Seat By the Fire
The Book of Snark: Killer Yapp Reads the Snarkives.
(This would likely sell a few hundred at least)
Dunderhead and McGoon: How Sillyputty Saved the World
Ok, may not sell a million, but sillyputty rules.
JDuncan
http://www.jimnduncan.com
Anonymous: The Truth Behind Colonic Irrigation.” Is that by Colin Lavage?
Anyway, my nominoses:
“Well, Just Turn Up the Air Conditioning Then! A Skeptic’s Guide to Global Warming.”
“If I Were President,” by George W. Bush.
“Undisclosed Locations: A Travel Guide,” by Dick Cheney.
“My Favorite LSD Trips and Sexual Misadventures,” by Pat Robertson.
And (drumroll) the actual title of my next novel: “Damnation Creek.”
(Trademark!)
Why do the Redneck Girls Hate Me?
Time Management for Agents: How to Respond to Every Query in Two Hours or Less
by Nathan Bransford
Word Math for Dummies
The Daughter’s Daughter, Daugherty Daughter’s Mother’s Daughter’s Daughter.
The above by Chris Daughtry
Metaphysically Clairvoyant Emotions on Man’s Constant Turmoil in Seeking to Free Himself from the Inhibitions that Stifle a Creative Philosophy (or Best Strategies for Watching the Scrambled Porn Channel)
PORN: A graphic novel.
And, judging from the number of hits my blog gets because of an incautious post title: Medieval Porn – would be very popular.
New one–nonfiction:
There is No Magic Wand: An Insider’s Guide to Special Education from a Parent and Professional Perspective
(disclaimer–actual project I’m toying with–not only am I a sped professional but I’m a sped parent)
Racer X’s Guide to Keeping the Mystery in your Marriage
Ten Ways to Drive Your Spouse Crazy (into Love with You!)
The Presidential Guide to Inventive Language Usage, Useless Geography, and the Internets
(by The Decider who Decides)
Since this post made me think of writers as a school of fish flashing sideways at a splash in their midst, my title is:
Fish School Dissected
Since you said “enter often”…
The Lion, the Witch, and the Espresso Stand in Oz (a hybrid of Narnia and Wizard of Oz worlds)
Lord of the Ringworms (a pet care guide)
Tome of the Wii and iPhone (for video and techno geeks)
The United Federation of Tribble (for Trekies)
Harry Potter and the Drooping Dumbcane (a botany encyclopedia)
AWAP 🙂
The Barmecidal Philanthropist
For search engine optimization I’d go with:
The Secret Da Vinci Kite Potter
(snicker)
I have two more spoofs:
The Devil Wears Nada
The Headless Stupid (sorry to make fun of one of Zilpha’s books–I loved this one!)
Everything I Learned in First Grade: sequel to Everything I Learned in Kindergarden
You’re Starting To Grow On Me
LOL!!! Medieval Porn and The Decider! Cracked me up!!!!
The Secrets of the Conspiracy Sisters kind of rolls off the tongue.
My self-help suggestion:Blame is not a Game: How to Free Yourself of All Responsibility in your Life
“Healing Chiron”
If you’re not familiar with Greek mythology, you won’t get the sheer smartness of it.
“How to Achieve World Peace: A Handbook for the Anarchist”
“The History of Christianity: A Guidebook for the AntiChrist.”
“Roadkill. Or… How to save money while grocery shopping.”
“Why do you hate me? The tender confessions of Oscar the Grouch.”
“Richard Simmon’s Guide to Being Manly.”
“How to get a record contract.” by William Hung.
— craig.
Based on some of your reading selections:
The Baltimore Crisis
The Baltimorean
The Stars Above Baltimore
Year of the Orioles
In the Slammer (yanno, we are number 2 in the nation for homicide)
Cheers,
Armageddon Looms…and Other Great Reasons to Stop Dieting
Three more from me:
Stain on a Dark Note
Death of Seasons
The Gingerbread Coffin
(Obviously I’m in a jolly mood today. 😉 )
How about:
Friends Make Good Produce – The Cannibal’s Cook Book
THE LAST PARAGRAPH
by Paige Turner
The Budge-Nuzzard!
Land of the Leapers Wee
My Smells, My Hells
The Fabric of Night
-Brandon Jimison
I’ve Caught My Tail, What Do I Do With It Now?
A Feather Is A Letter From A Bird
Oh, goodie, a second chance!
We’ll Always Have Paris… Hilton
written by her boyfriends
:-0
But I’m casting my vote for Tom Burchfield:
If I Were President by George W. Bush
🙂
The Lyin’ Bitch and Her Wardrobe.
What Really Saved the World? The Search For Virtual Reality.
The Goodbye Chronicles
The Wrinkled Toes of the Creekside Ballet Company
Okay, okay, MORE TITLES. They might all suck, but this is too much fun to stop!
BOOKS, BOMBS, AND BANANA PEELS
SLEEPING FOREVER
MOONSHINE IN THE MORNING
LIKE, OMG, THAT’S SO TOTALLY, LIKE, WHATEVER! (THE VALLEY GIRL’S GUIDE TO, LIKE, TALKING)
A WHISPER IN THE SHADOWS
MY MIRROR SELF
In All the Dark Corners
Annnnnnnnd… time’s up.
Tallying up the votes now. Check back tomorrow for the winner!
Hi Nathan!
How about a hot and sexy title!
Disorderly Sex and Uninhibited Bedrooms (Secrets to a lasting marriage)
Destiny Blaine
destinyblaine@yahoo.com
“Flakes Bloom”
Let me know if want the manuscript for it, Nate. : )
Never Suck a Dead Man’s Hand by Dana Kollmann (a book about her CSI experiences)